War and Peace

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by horsesmouth, Feb 26, 2009.

  1. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    Wel this might be an aggressive and angry poem, but speaks volumes about the current society, politics, technology, and war thats ruining our world...
    hope you like it!

    We are all sons of this planet.
    Look around us, is it pure?
    Is'nt there mountains of filth around?
    or are we waiting for more?

    Why are we slave to devices,
    machines and computers?
    Can we bear the darkness this technology has given us?
    or are we mute commuters?

    There was a time when 'Right'ists and 'Left'ists were preachers
    until the end of the last college day.
    But then they entered the sink of politics;
    and now they are, needle in the hay

    People who carry arms of destruction,
    Factions who put up masks of glory,
    by thrashing the weak, and steal from the needy,
    Is there an end to this story?

    The world needs progress,
    robots and I-pods.
    Quarks and nano-sciences,
    and a yearn for racing-cars.
    And every group needs a leader,
    to win the world, repute their name,
    Demons and atom-bombs,
    who'll raze all the other kind,
    But dont know the simple truth:
    An eye for an eye, will make this world blind.
     
  2. detritus

    detritus New Member

    am i permitted to nitpick?
     
  3. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    only if its 'good'


    Warning: 'good' is relative word

    kiddin'.....u're welcome 2 make it better, remember its fun-thing.......no copyrights:)
     
  4. i liked it...!
    although it had nothing new ?
     
  5. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    ^well yea, if u mean there r several 1s(poems) on this topic
    I havent read others, so I made 1
    :D
     
  6. urs is good i said !
     
  7. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    ^cheers to that.....
    I make some dark poems sometimes....
    but hey, havent seen urs in a while,
    ur devil's taken a break.....we're waiting here....
    urs r cool 1s
     
  8. detritus

    detritus New Member

    well you'll have to decide good i guess. now the nitpicking -

    We are all sons of this planet.
    Look around us, is it pure?
    Is'nt there hordes of filth around? (filth doesnt come in hordes, and if it did it would be aren't, not isn't)
    or are we waiting for more?

    Why are we slave(s) to devices,
    machines and computers?
    Can we bear the darkness this technology has given us?
    or are we mute commuters?

    There was a time when 'Right'ists and 'Left'ists were preachers
    until the end of the last college day.
    But then they entered the sink of politics;
    and now they are, needle(s) in the hay

    People who carry arms of destruction,
    Factions who put up masks of glory,
    by thrashing the weak, and steal(ing) from the needy,
    Is there an end to this story?

    The world needs progress,
    robots and I-pods.
    Quarks and nano-sciences,
    and a yearn for racing-cars.
    And every group needs a leader,
    to win the world, repute their name, (dont think repute as a verb can be used like this)
    Demons and atom-bombs,
    who'll raze all the other kind,
    But dont know the simple truth:
    An eye for an eye, will make this world blind.

    I didnt mean, improving i dont want to tamper with someone elses work, what i meant was constructive criticism. I think the poem tends to wander a bit, its not forceful enough. Rather than a 'dark' commentary its more of why oh why.. This could've been a good poem, but i think the choice of words in some places messes it up. Now im saying this assuming you posted this here to get critiqued, let me know if thats not the case..
    Also, if you get the chance,i think you should read (if you havent already) the book 1984, by George Orwell , i think you might find it interesting.
     
  9. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    ^yea your corrections are very well pointed out......though I'd thought about all of 'em while writing, except for that needle(s) part.....I guessed I dint focus on that cuz I put the phrase 'as it was' to put some effect! but u saY its good den I'd favour your version

    I used 'repute' as a verb since people already use dis-repute as the same....."so why not try" as I felt during writing this

    and I wanted a proper word for "bunch/lots of" kinda thing....but could'nt find 1 that suits the rhythm......I'd made a choice (horde) but guess turned out wrong.....so u say!
     
  10. detritus

    detritus New Member

    hmm yeah i get it, write it in the spirit and dont edit it.. but i think it would make sense to go over it again and weed out grammatical errors before posting. well if people are using disrepute as a verb then that is also wrong im afraid, its generally used like 'he is reputed to be' or 'he was disreputed by'.
    hmm, see horde applies to objects, filth is just singular. you could make it filthy somethings or 'mountains of filth' or summin like that, dunno
     
  11. about dead things and things which waana be dead... i do write .. see this

    Amunation

    i knw its comfort to move a corner and keep laying by the side of sides
    but arms my friend, so dead although, never find a meaning in cozy confides
    juicy rhymes you cant sing, 'cause the voice's wont meet u again
    Mr. why will find his way to your door, since you know those where, how and when
    the patterns of chaoes, so ritulistic, even the blind man knows his way to dreams
    if guns dont fire, the sinking breaths, create huge clouds of scared soles and screams
    atlest the juggellary of simple desires, will have a way with you, when for others you ow'
    so many words, what a wastefull effort, when what i mean is simply go !!
     
    bjr likes this.
  12. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    yea....well m too simple for this
    :D
     
  13. ^ r u making fun of me :( ...thats not right .....!
     
  14. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    ^wen did I say that?
    I meant i had to think hard to really understand it........realy its a good 1
    rilly good../..I specially liked the end very much....
    I guess u're very good at instant cuts......??.......

    n yea....did u make it for me? m flattered;)
     
  15. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    I guess mountains makes better sense for positioning here!
     

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