Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by d_ist_urb_ed, Dec 3, 2007.

  1. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!


    I fell today and shattered,
    no longer could i walk in the midst
    of the juggernaut that moved relentlessly.
    No more, no more could i keep pace.
    I slipped and i vanished in a cloud of dust
    on the well trodden-on tracks
    To left of me, to right of me
    my brothers waited, waited for me to be initiated
    to forever become a silent screaming spectator to
    the march of the juggernaut.
    The hell's fire burned my skin away and
    bathed my soul in flames. I shut my eyes and shed
    a tear, a tear of infinite sorrow and agony
    A tear we shed while we live in anticipation of the reaper
    and now a tear that was shed in memory of
    a life never meant to be concieved.
    The tear fell to the ground rising a puff of dust.
    A still moment passed... and the Heavens parted.
    The rain of salvation drenched me
    washing away every pain, every sorrow, every sin
    Through the rain's fog i saw divinity
    who whispered to me 'God is in the rain'
    The next minute i was hurled through space
    and awoke with my heart pounding...in my bed
    The memories faded in my mind as i lay still and unmoving
    unable to think or speak.
    All i could think of was the cryptic message i heard
    Silently i repeated the message to myself,
    God is in the rain, God is in the rain and then, it struck me
    I reeled and fell to my knees and sobbed
    Goddess in the rain...

    A few things. If you dont like the poem, go ahead and sling mud on it. If you ask questions, i may not answer. Do not ask me to "explain the meaning" or somesuch. I will simply ignore such requests. I do not believe in laying down one single meaning for a poem. I think a poem tells a different story to each person. Also, please do not tell me that this is broken prose. I can already see that and i do not care. It is just a veiled description of thoughts and feelings. I do hope you enjoy it. I am open to criticism. If i seem like a snob laying down ground rules, you havent been around here long enough. Anyways, ta.
    #iR@ likes this.
  2. anshphenomenon

    anshphenomenon Rape me :boff:

    i like it.
  3. alpha1

    alpha1 I BLUES!

    I like the cryptic message part, because it reminds me of cryptic_angel
    : )
  4. #iR@


    WOW! luved every bit of it.... reps for sure!
  5. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Oh cwap!*reads again...and again*

    Well I'm not particularly good at appreciating poems (0% modesty)..I read it and I was lost.See I need a background,a past if you may.So I assumed this guy is a mercenary,about to face his karma.But that didn't fit the bill,except at a few places.So I assumed you're referring to a soldier.That made it a lot easier,for me,to interpret the poem.I don't know what you had in mind,or maybe I got it all wrong,but the scenario I've created makes sense,again,for me.
    What I didn't understand was the difference the word "Goddess" made to the original message..maybe my shallowness resurfaced but it feels like that is the core of the poem.The rest of it would seem like a well written tale of redemption or "the second chance"..
    Then again,maybe I missed the ACTUAL plot as such,but I liked what I read and what I understood.
  6. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    I'll make an exemption to my own rule and reply to this. Partly because i'm flattered that you would give it so much thought. Your line of thought is in the right direction. My poems (all of them save one) take ordinary life and it's occurrences and put them in the language you see above. I'm glad you brought it down to the level of soldier, get it down to an even more realistic level if you can. The use of 'Goddess' was a tad unfair, because there's no way anyone can piece it together. I'm glad that you saw so much of what i was going for. Thank you.
  7. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Ah well,thank you for making an exception.As for the soldier bit,see I believe soldiers would be the only souls to feel like sinners and still be welcomed by God (metaphorically speaking).To bring it to a more 'realistic' level is possible but I'd rather keep the picture I've painted.And you don't need to thank me;the pleasure was all mine.
  8. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    That's what i wanted to hear.
    And also, thank you ansh, baby sis (hira) and alpha (que?).
  9. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    >waht did he say my lord
    ur poems reflect u quite literally shattred and rising, heavens and hells all confused.....may be its ur way !
  10. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    Im not going to say a lot since I've recently written something on very similar lines but it was a painful read till it neared the end. Not that it was wordy but it does make me think of you as rather angry. In a huff is more accurate.

    Loved the part at the end but maybe its because of what Ive written which I shall be posting soon.
  11. browneyegurlie

    browneyegurlie Sweet as Honey

    as ive always said i love the stuff u write and this is awesome :d
  12. Morbid_Angel

    Morbid_Angel Sid the sloth

    Nice stuff, disturbed :).
    I've read quite a few of your poems and I don't think you have all that much on here anyway :p
    How do you give reps again? :$
  13. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    No reps required, i'm glad you liked it. My ickle pweetha liked it too i see, but then she's terribly biased towards me.

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