|- The Funeral -| The sky is changing its colour The earth feels fresh The smell of jasmine filling the air The candles have melted But the wax turning hard The mound of earth still afresh Being walled up always This may not be uncomfortable for her Everything was fine But the incense was missing She hated that the most Said it reminded her of the funeral of a very close friend But now it wouldn’t matter As she was six feet under and the incense wouldn’t bother Her. Martina ---'-<@ . . Somehow i feel this poem needs some correction...
well, if u can make it better, i'm sure it'll be awesome... but it's gr8, even without any correction!
@Cryptic angel---thanks .... i'l try and make some corrections @Doc .................................... :
I've waited for quite a long time to get a reply from esgallindeion about posting his corrections to this poem.. since i dont seem to be left with any patience i'm posting it here it sounds better than mine |- The Funeral -| The sky changes colour The earth feels fresh The sweet smell of jasmines Lingers in the air. All seemed fine. Except the incense Burning all around The aroma of jasmines. She hated that most Said it reminded her Of funerals Of those dear to her. But now look at her Walled forever In her permanent home With incense all around Yet not bothering her. The candles have melted And the wax has hardened. But the earth's still fresh And the smell of jasmines Lingers in the air.
this placement of words was nice.......... how does it feels laying for days ..years .....BUTT hurt karta hoga.. murade karvat lete hain ya seedhe hi pade rehte hain ?...some one told me chudaails have rotatory foots but still butt to hurt karta hoga.....bubbly y dont u address this painfull aspect of all those ppl 3 feet below the ground
i dunno, i m not liking anything these days.... . me bad .. conceptual problem tho the second one is better, nicely transformed.
Meaning??:shock: Thanks..its jus a poem Thanks sanju.. if you want..you could give some suggestions too.. its been written about a year ago..i think..but would make corrections if u want some yh.. hbbt: hey its ok.... and yh.. even i like the transformed one
only difference in both the poems would be the incense in my poem Everything was fine But the incense was missing She hated that the most wheras in esgallindeion's take it reads But now look at her Walled forever In her permanent home With incense all around Yet not bothering her. jus wanted to explain a teeny yet not tiny difference besides the corrections..
