The First Official "Jokes" Thread

The success thing i had posted

 

Bill Gates is making the love when his wife says to him:

" Darling, I don't enjoy this! "

He replies:

"Cancel, Retry, Ignore or Quit?"

 

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Quake III for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And a Pokemon game for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To: santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.


No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
Because Christmas now requires at least Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through!"

"It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist.
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package is a picture of Santa himself."

"Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
"Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

 

Cool one Csariya...

 

The Top 11 Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then

11 Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.

10 Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay.

9 Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing
his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta."

8 The "Good Plague" hoax.

7 Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to
the rear to start again.

6 The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times
larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.

5 Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off
the head of Steve Jobs.


4 Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-
invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut.

3 Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie.

2 Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released
until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.

Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then...

1 The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries,
like stonemasonry and weaving.

 

haha.. nice 1, 6string..

 

The Top 14 Things on Bill Gates's To-Do List

14. Change menacing cackle to more of a charming titter.

13. Divest all holdings in Atlantic City, especially Boardwalk and Park Place.

12. Stop payment on Satan's check.

11. Search JobOptions.com: Field = "Technology" Salary > $25 Billion

10. Immediately cancel that "$5000 or a free trip to Disneyworld" offer.

9. Put somebody else in charge temporarily; take the winter off and find Rosebud.

8. Push own "Start" button. At prompt, choose "Shut Down" and then "Re-start Ego."


7. Create new corporate division in charge of sending flowers and candy to Sandy O'Connor.

6. Have Steve Jobs leave bag of flaming dog excrement on Janet Reno's doorstep.

5. Send message to mother ship: "My job here is done."

4. Dedicate my life to finding the *real* monopolists.

3. Hack into Justice Dept. web site, draw mustache on picture of Janet... um, draw *bigger* mustache on picture of Janet Reno.

2. See how quickly the government can prepare for the "11/9/99 Bug."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Bill Gates's To-Do List...

1. Halt global economy by taking all my money and going home.

 

New Microsoft Keyboard

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC Keyboard designed specifically for Windows. Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works. In addition to the keys found on the standard Keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

1) GPF Key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF Key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ Key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD Key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.


4) MS Key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

5) FUD Key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.

6) Chicago Key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) IBM Key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 98!

9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 98. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 98 users, why not make it easier?

10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for

 

Michael Jordan v. Bill Gates

Michael Jordan of the Chicago Bulls.

What's he got to do with Bill Gates?

In US dollars...

Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.


If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of the United States' past presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this:

Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

 

Blue Screen of Death

"In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customise the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSoD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

"The move comes as a result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked: "What do you spend the most time doing at your computer?"

A surprising number of respondents said: "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death". At 54%, it was the top answer, beating the second-place answer - "Downloading pornography" - by an easy 12 points.

"We immediately recognised this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." Explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters. Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customisable BSoD, which appeared side-by-side with the older, boring and static version.


Users can select from a collection of "BSoD Themes", allowing them instead to have a Mauve Screen of Death, or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSoD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

The BSoD is by far the most recognised feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control of its look-and-feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as "the ultimate information portal". By default, the new BSoD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customise the BSoD on systems they ship.

'Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, SEC & Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSoD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig into Apple Mac and the Open Source community: "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than Open Source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even
has a BSoD, let alone a customisable one."'

 

Short Story

The girl was supposed to write a short story in as
few words as possible for her college class and
the instructions were that it had to discuss
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received
an A+ and this is what she wrote:

Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

 

Musical jokes

Do you know any musical jokes?

Here are some from me... But no offense

How do guitar players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm faster than you."

another one:

A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. 'Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?' asks the guy.

The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK'

He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says 'well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with 'things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says 'look I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?'

The young man says 'well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. she's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. this place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.

lol

Check it out...

https://www.justchords.com/reality/musjokes.html

 

jayanth, 4 GODS SAKE, post 2 a day, alrite???? its so damnd hard 2 read all da stuf u post.. i swear.

 

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computer Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

 

Three truck drivers died and went to heaven where they met St. Peter at the gates.

St. Peter says, "I have to ask each of you three simple questions before you can enter the gates to paradise."

So he calls the first driver over and asks his questions. "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"No."

"Have you ever done any dope?"
"No."

"Well have you ever screwed around with other women?"
"No."

St. Peter points to the left and says, "You stand by that door right over there."

He calls the second guy over and starts; "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"No, that'd be bad for my health."

"Have you ever done any drugs?"
"No sir, that'd be breaking the law."

"Well have you ever screwed around with any women?"
"No way, that'd be breaking one of the ten commandments."

St. Peter says "Allright, stand by your buddy over there." and called the third truckdriver over.

He starts, "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"Well, I tried not to but I've always been an alcoholic."

"Well! Let me ask you this, Have you ever done any drugs?"
"Why hell yea, how do you think I stay awake to run 20 hours a day, you've got to roll to make the dough."

"Well," St. Peter asks "I've got to know, have you ever scewed around with any women?"
"Ooooooooooweeee; maaaan, there's this dame back in Baltimore that'll
suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!" St. Peter pointed to the right and says "You stand by that door over there."

When the driver asks about the other two guys, St. Peter explains "Your buddies are going to hell; but we're going back to Baltimore!!!"

 

n jay, i LUVD da short story!!!

 

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

Music Jokes?? Here's One

A tribute to the inventors. This song is written to show our gratitude and many thanks to Mac inventors and we like to dedicate this song to millions and millions of Mac Advocates. Sing to the tune of "We built This City"-Starrship.

WE BUILT THIS CITY

*chorus*

We built this City
We built this City on plug n'play
Built this City
We built this City on plug n'play

Say you don't know C, or recognise ma' codes
Say you don't care who needs, resource and all the loads
Right behind your (doors), filled with rotting corpse
So many of your clones, eating up the shops

In Nineteen Eighty Four..woh, here comes creatiiiooon
Don't you remmember?
We built this City
We built this City on plug n'play

*chorus*

Someone's always playin', the monopoly game
Who cares they're always changin', six forty k's to blame
We just wanna thrive here, and someone stole our staffs
You call this co-o..per..ra..tions, and write us dirty stuffs

In Nineteen Eighty Four..woh, here comes creatiiiooon
Don't you remmember?
We built this City
We built this City on plug n'play

*chorus*


guitar*

It's just another court case, in the lame old days
Lawyers have sealed your loop-holes, oh, and we just lost the case
Who counts the money, that was someone's yearn
Who writes the bugs and claims, innova..tiiiooon
Don't tell us you need us, cos we're the helpless lot
Looking out for justice, bringin' you to court

*broadcasting spoken* I'm looking out over Cupertino C.A, out on a gorgeous sunny Saturday I see the promising rainbow rising

*broadcasting spoken* This is your favourite company, the wonderful company that made your favourite machines' the company in C.A, the company that never slacks

In Nineteen Eighty Four..woh, here comes creatiiiooon
Don't you remember?
We built this City
We built this City on plug n'play

*repeat chorus twice*

*Support Vocals*We built, we built this OS built this OS
We built, we built this OS...

 

Last one for today

 

LOL.. nice toons, jay... n dat suddenly reminds me dat i got loadsa toons 2!!! 1 at a time wud b nice 2 view on da thread, i spose... or u gotta open it in a separate page. so here i go..

area 51....