The First Official "Jokes" Thread

Stairway To Heaven

There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the
stairway to heaven.

God says, 'There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a
joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh
you go to hell.'

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step.
God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.

Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead
laughs and goes to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't
laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, 'What are
you laughing about?', she replies, 'I just got the first joke!'.

 

Lol i like both of em. Theyre great. MICROSOFT lol. I got 1.

 

This joke is kinda lame but hey who cares.

What grows in between your nose and your chin. Tulips!(two-lips) get it ha!ha!

lol

lol
lol

 

ok their is a kid. Hes sitting in the classroom, he raises his hand and asks to pee. The teacher says allright but first you have to make a sentence out of these 3 pictures. The teacher shows him a picture of a :

1. a plane taking off
2. a zebra
3. a baby.

Then he says oh i know. "Take off Ze-bra baby."
get it like (take off the bra baby). LOL

 

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only the largest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund?s neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came upto the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. ?We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make that alligator look like a Dachshund."

 

A woman is driving towards home in Northern Arizona
when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because
the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car
and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances
surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat
between them.

'If you are wondering what's in the bag', offers the
woman, 'it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several
times and says,

'Good Trade!'

 

A Dying Man's Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.

'Stay out of those,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

 

Some Chinese Proverbs to live by...

# Man who run in front of car get tired.
# Man who run behind car get exhausted.
# Man with one chopstick go hungry.
# Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
# Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
# War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
# Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
# Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
# Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
# Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

 

hehehe.. nice 1s... chek dis out...


Montana Grizzly Bear Notice:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, backpackers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so that the bears are not startled unexpectedly by a human's presence. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear poop and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop smells like pepper and has little bells in it.

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, 'I want to write
stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people
will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will
make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

 

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that
Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: 'Bill Jones having gone to sea,
his wife desires the prayers of the congregation
for his safety.'

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his
audience by announcing: 'Bill Jones, having gone
to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation
for his safety.'

 

Actual Insurance Form Statements

* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house
and collided with a tree I don't have.
* The other car collided with mine without giving
warning of its intention.
* I thought my window was down, but I found out
it was up when I put my head through it.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep
at the wheel and had an accident.
* I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble
and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have
an accident.
* An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car
and vanished.
* An indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in
a small car with a big mouth.
* I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting
to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

 

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his
voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, 'I hear you
Irish are a bunch of drunken' fools. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink
10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.'

The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's
offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
'Is your bet still good?' he asks.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line
up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman
tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all
back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down
in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500
and says, 'If ya don't mind my askin', where did ya'll go
for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

The Irishman replies, 'Oh...I had to go to the pub down
the street to see if I could do it first.'

 

Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard,
hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called
back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered
friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of
the 'conversation.' Just as he thought he was on the
verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication,
his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

'My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls,'
she said.

'That's odd,' the neighbor replied. 'So does my husband.'

 

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden,
a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them.

One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and
started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look
on his face, exclaimed, 'Do you think you will run faster than
the tiger with those?'

His friend replied, 'I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run
faster than you!'

 

man jayanth nice jokes.

Ok theres this guy. he walks in to a bar and says ow.
ha.

ok.

nevermind.

 

Computer users are divided into three types:
novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing
a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

 

jay, take it easy, man!!!!! how many jokes???? letz hav 1 a day frm 1 member. ok? really.. mebbe max 2. herez my contribution....

Lawyer jokes

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They weren't working.... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

3. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

4. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

5. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

6. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you
(A) Go to lunch, or (B) read the newspaper?

7. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

8. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? 'Senator.'

9. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? 'Your Honor.'

10. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

11. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

12. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Don't know. (There are some things a pig just won't do.)

13. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

14. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

 

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident.
Both cars are wreck, but luckily no one was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said,
'Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed.
Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together
in peace for the rest of our days.'

The man replied, 'I agree with you completely.
This must be a sign from God! '

The woman continued,
'And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is
completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break.
It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.' Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then
handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and handed it back to the man.

The man asked, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replied, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police.

 

lol.. gud 1 der, jay.. hey ppl, dusnt nebody else hav jokz in here????? bring it on!!!!



A Marine Colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead
halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse
than usual, nothing is moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of
cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what
seems to be the hold up?"

The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed that Hillary has
moved to New York, and may leave him altogether that he just stopped his
motorcade in the middle of the Beltway, and he's threatening to douse
himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.

He says his family absolutely hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5
million he owes his lawyers for that whole Monica and Paula thing.

So I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still
siphoning."