The First Official "Jokes" Thread

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US
naval ship and Canadian maritime contact of the coast of Newfoundland ...

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees South to avoid
collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship; I say again divert your
course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse; your call.

 

Hey Kool, Idea!!!


Once a Hindu, Muslim and our dear Santa Singh are
standing when a Britisher comes and asks
"Hey guys what are your favorite flowers?
Hindu: "Lotus"
Britisher: "Ha I clean my shit with that!"
Hindu is surprised and angry as lotus being our
national flower.

Muslim: "Chameli"
Britisher: "Ha I clean my shit with that!"
Muslim also surprised and angry.

Britisher: "sardarji and what is your favorite
flower?"
Patriotic Santa: "CACTUS! ab kar le saaf!

 

hahaha....

Here is mine....

And now, this week's Shallow Thoughts!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

Color... it's just a pigment of your imagination.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than
a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
-Jack Handy

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.



The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me.
The distinction is yours to draw...

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down
people.

Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck
over your fingers.

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

 

George W. Bush visits an american school. He gets into a random classroom, always followed by his bodyguards.
Then he starts a speech about America, and the proud to be american. At the end he asks:
-Anybody has any question?
At the back of the classroom a boy asks him:
-Me! Hi, my name is Jimmy and I would like to ask 3 questions:
1st.- Why did you rig the elections?
2nd.- Why didn't you avoid the september 11th?
3rd.- Why did you attack Iraq when you knew they had no WMD?
TTTRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The playtime bell rings and all the children runs outside the classroom.
When they come back from the playtime George W. Bush continues:
-Well? Anyone else have a question?
Me! Another boy stands up at the back of the classroom, and say: Hi, my name is Timmy and I want to ask 5 questions:
1st.- Why did you rig the elections?
2nd.- Why didn't you avoid the september 11th?
3rd.- Why did you attack Iraq when you knew they had no WMD?
4th.- Why did the bell ring 20 minutes before the time?
5TH.- Where is Jimmy?

 

Pay Day

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of
going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
spending his
entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a
very
angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
befitting his
actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would
you like
it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied,
"That would
be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came
and went
with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just
enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

 

SIGNS THAT SUPERMAN COULD ONLY BE AN INDIAN
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Following years of research, the talented brain pool at the Bhatinda
Institute of Advanced Studies have found that Superman is an Indian. Here
are the basis of their findings:

1) Superman could definitely be from Bombay. Look at his life story for
example - his parents are killed when he is born, he is raised by a
different couple, he learns about his true parents only when he grows up.
And he gets the girl in the end! Where else but in Bollywood films can you
believe such a story!

2) Superman runs faster than a speeding train. Where else but in Delhi can a
man, forget about running, walk faster than a train.

3) Clark Kent (Superman's alter-ego) could definitely be a Bengali. Where
else but in Calcutta can you see people wearing thick glasses and sporting a
bad haircut.

4) Superman could be definitely a Malayalee. The way he can shuffle easily
between two jobs (Superman and Clark Kent) makes him comparable to the
Malayalees working in the Gulf.

5) Superman could be a Gujarati. Only a Gujju can think of meddling in
affairs that do not concern him.

6) Superman could be from Bihar. Only in Bihar do children lose their
parents when they are just infants.

7) Superman could be from Tamil Nadu. He has more super-enemies than true
friends.


8) Superman could be from Kerala. Only in Kerala do young and old men try to
see through girl's clothes, as if they had X-ray vision.

9) Superman could be from Andhra Pradesh. Only an Andhraite can think that
he is immune to bullets. Look at Rajnikanth and Chiranjeevi.

10) Superman could be from Bangalore. Only Kannadigas work without thinking
of taking the day off.

11) Superman could be from UP. Only UP-ites disappear from their jobs more
frequently than any other race.

 

NEWTON, MITHUNDA AND RAJNIKANT



Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a
movie.He
watched a few Indian movies and had his head spinning. He was
convinced
that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of
junk
and
apologized for everything he had done.
In the movie of Mithun Chakravarthy Newton dada was confused to
such
an
extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
1) Mithunda has a Brain Tumor that, according to the doctors
can't
be cured
and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, Our great
Mithunda
is shot
in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through
his
ears
taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured.
Long Live Mithunda
2) In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with 2
gangsters.Mithunda
has a Gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, what he
does.......He
holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet towards the
knife.
The
knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the
gangsters.
Then, Mithunda utters the following dialogue
"Apun ka naam hai HIRA,Apun ne sabko Chiraa".
3) Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a revolver but
he
got no
bullets in it.
Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest maginations.
He
waits
for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots,
Mithunda
opens
the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet.
Then,
he
closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun.
Bang... And the gangster dies....
4) The heroine is tied to an electric chair and the remote is in
the
hands
of the villain about 100 km away.
As usual, the villain confronts the hero saying "Hathiyar phek
do
warna
main yeh remote ka button dabake tumhari mehbooba ko mar
doonga".
The usual
fight occurs and just as the hero makes the final blow, the
villain
dies
but not before he presses than damn button.
Now what to do?
Sure enough, there is a horse and the hero jumps on it. Now there
is
a
race:
The current in the cable connected to the electric chair is
moving
fast but
our hero and his horse are desperately trying to catch up....
goes
on for a
few km and just as the current would hit the chair, the hero
jumps
from the
horse and picks the girl away from the chain and husssshhhh. She
is
saved.
The poor electric current only goes to an empty chair.
Climax,taaalian.
Hero! Hero!! Hero!!!
5) This was too much for our Newton to take and he was
completely
pissed
off and he decided to go back.
But he happened to see a Rajnikanth movie for one last time and
thought
that at least one movie will follow his theory of physics.
The whole movies goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the
world
hasn't
changed. Oops not so fast. The climax finally arrives.
gets to know that the villain is on the the other side of a
very high
wall. So high that Rajni can't jump even if he tries like one
ofthose
superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajni has to
desperately
kill the villain because it's the climax.
Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible...
Rajni suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a
backup).
He
throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height
of
the
wall,he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his
second gun.
Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead
...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Newton faints!!!!!!!

 

yup, thats bollywood for ya.....hehe

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman
---------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met.

Rodney Dangerfield

---------------------------------------------------------

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong.

Milton Berle
---------------------------------------------------------

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury.

George Burns
---------------------------------------------------------

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in
the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She
said, "In the lake."

Henny Youngman
---------------------------------------------------------

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman
---------------------------------------------------------

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband
replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

---------------------------------------------------------

When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.

--------------------------------------------------------


I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
like to interrupt her.

-------------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend told me I should be more
affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

--------------------------------------------------------

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife
did.

---------------------------------------------------------

Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has,you wish you had ordered that.

---------------------------------------------------------

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.

---------------------------------------------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't
know son, I'm still paying."

---------------------------------------------------------

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

---------------------------------------------------------

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what
real happiness was until I got married; then it was
too late.

---------------------------------------------------------

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife
wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

--------------------------------------------------------

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married
him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A
billionaire."

---------------------------------------------------------

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is
that you never get to prove it.

---------------------------------------------------------

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and
said,"I've found a woman just like mother!" His
father replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"
-------------------------------------------------------

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
rest cheat in Europe.
---------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope
over experience.

---------------------------------------------------------

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
--------------------------------------------------------

It's not true that married men live longer than
single men. It only seems longer

--------------------------------------------------------

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost impossible.

--------------------------------------------------------

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all -
money,a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a
beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What
happened?" asked his friend. "My wife
found out...

---------------------------------------------------------

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.

--------------------------------------------------------

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is
that as both husband and father, I can say anything I
want toaround the house. Of course,no one pays the
least bit of attention.
---------------------------------------------------------

A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can
find such a man.
---------------------------------------------------------

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have
whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law
gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then
says,"Okay, give me a million
dollars and beat me half to death."
--------------------------------------------------------

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.


---------------------------------------------------------

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive
way to get your laundry done free.

---------------------------------------------------------

The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.

--------------------------------------------------------

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
packing your parachute
-------------------------------l-------------------------


First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second
guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive".

 

Angel on the Christmas tree

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip...but there were problems every
where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa
that her mom was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness
the reindeer he found that three of them were about to
give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out
heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the
boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to
the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated
Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a
shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit
the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to
drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee
pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way
to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel
said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas
tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be
on top of the Christmas tree...

 

I think i know where

 

mann... im always cracking jokes... no wait.im always cracking sad jokes.. pj.'s ... but i cant think of any whenever i come to this .....

sob* sniff*...

i wonder wht it is........

 

Here is one for ye alli....

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been
remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on,please sit down.

YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN, OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and theambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has
some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre- marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is
kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. I am sure you will love him as I do.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have any, er, illnesses, and there is no man in my life at all.

However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I
wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

 

heheheh....
i should try this.....

riiiiiiight.... i wish.....

 

For those of you planning on seeing the third LOTR movie at the theater her are some survival tips.

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

 

hehehehhe....funny .

but dont even THINK bout it guys . - never ever EVER will any one of u do even a minor of the stuff writen in this. (yea - i know it wont happen neways but still...)

remember - this movie is 'sacred'.
:nw: - Lord Of The Rings.

 

Getting old, that one... Seen it three different places but it still makes me laugh...


Agree with Alli that LOTR is sacred. And PJ is Great. His changes are Superb.

 

Small One

Hey no offense...


How do you recognize a sardar in school?

They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher clears the blackboard. Bolo Tararara!

Ha ha.
Sushant

 

The Busy And Important Entrepreneur

A young businessman started his own firm. He had just rented a
beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing
to appear busy and important, the businessman picked up the phone
and started to pretend he had a big deal in the works. He threw
huge figures around and made giant commmitments.

Finally, he hung up the phone and asked the visitor, "Can I help
you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I'm here to install the phones...

 

The First Humor Section - Jokes

Helicopter Problem

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday
when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's
electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine
the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their
sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined
the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the
pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped
determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded 'I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT
building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me
a technically correct but completely useless answer.'