The First Official "Jokes" Thread

Discussion in 'The ChitChat Lounge' started by esgallindeion, Sep 18, 2003.

  1. esgallindeion

    esgallindeion Minstrel Knight

    Transcript of a radio conversation between a US
    naval ship and Canadian maritime contact of the coast of Newfoundland ...

    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees South to avoid

    Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship; I say again divert your

    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


    Canadians: We are a lighthouse; your call.
  2. slash

    slash New Member

    Hey Kool, Idea!!!:)

    Once a Hindu, Muslim and our dear Santa Singh are
    standing when a Britisher comes and asks
    "Hey guys what are your favorite flowers?
    Hindu: "Lotus"
    Britisher: "Ha I clean my shit with that!"
    Hindu is surprised and angry as lotus being our
    national flower.

    Muslim: "Chameli"
    Britisher: "Ha I clean my shit with that!"
    Muslim also surprised and angry.

    Britisher: "sardarji and what is your favorite
    Patriotic Santa: "CACTUS! ab kar le saaf!
  3. Redalert

    Redalert New Member


    Here is mine....

    And now, this week's Shallow Thoughts!

    Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

    Color... it's just a pigment of your imagination.

    As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
    again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than
    a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
    -Jack Handy

    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
    misquoted, then used against you.

    The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me.
    The distinction is yours to draw...

    An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

    Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down

    Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck
    over your fingers.

    Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
  4. esgallindeion

    esgallindeion Minstrel Knight

    George W. Bush visits an american school. He gets into a random classroom, always followed by his bodyguards.
    Then he starts a speech about America, and the proud to be american. At the end he asks:
    -Anybody has any question?
    At the back of the classroom a boy asks him:
    -Me! Hi, my name is Jimmy and I would like to ask 3 questions:
    1st.- Why did you rig the elections?
    2nd.- Why didn't you avoid the september 11th?
    3rd.- Why did you attack Iraq when you knew they had no WMD?
    The playtime bell rings and all the children runs outside the classroom.
    When they come back from the playtime George W. Bush continues:
    -Well? Anyone else have a question?
    Me! Another boy stands up at the back of the classroom, and say: Hi, my name is Timmy and I want to ask 5 questions:
    1st.- Why did you rig the elections?
    2nd.- Why didn't you avoid the september 11th?
    3rd.- Why did you attack Iraq when you knew they had no WMD?
    4th.- Why did the bell ring 20 minutes before the time?
    5TH.- Where is Jimmy?
  5. slash

    slash New Member

    Pay Day

    A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of
    home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
    spending his
    entire week's wages.

    When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a
    angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
    befitting his

    Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would
    you like
    it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied,
    "That would
    be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came
    and went
    with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just
    enough where he
    could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
  6. esgallindeion

    esgallindeion Minstrel Knight

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

    Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".

    Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

    Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

    Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
  7. Redalert

    Redalert New Member

    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    Following years of research, the talented brain pool at the Bhatinda
    Institute of Advanced Studies have found that Superman is an Indian. Here
    are the basis of their findings:

    1) Superman could definitely be from Bombay. Look at his life story for
    example - his parents are killed when he is born, he is raised by a
    different couple, he learns about his true parents only when he grows up.
    And he gets the girl in the end! Where else but in Bollywood films can you
    believe such a story!

    2) Superman runs faster than a speeding train. Where else but in Delhi can a
    man, forget about running, walk faster than a train.

    3) Clark Kent (Superman's alter-ego) could definitely be a Bengali. Where
    else but in Calcutta can you see people wearing thick glasses and sporting a
    bad haircut.

    4) Superman could be definitely a Malayalee. The way he can shuffle easily
    between two jobs (Superman and Clark Kent) makes him comparable to the
    Malayalees working in the Gulf.

    5) Superman could be a Gujarati. Only a Gujju can think of meddling in
    affairs that do not concern him.

    6) Superman could be from Bihar. Only in Bihar do children lose their
    parents when they are just infants.

    7) Superman could be from Tamil Nadu. He has more super-enemies than true

    8) Superman could be from Kerala. Only in Kerala do young and old men try to
    see through girl's clothes, as if they had X-ray vision.

    9) Superman could be from Andhra Pradesh. Only an Andhraite can think that
    he is immune to bullets. Look at Rajnikanth and Chiranjeevi.

    10) Superman could be from Bangalore. Only Kannadigas work without thinking
    of taking the day off.

    11) Superman could be from UP. Only UP-ites disappear from their jobs more
    frequently than any other race.
  8. esgallindeion

    esgallindeion Minstrel Knight


    Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a
    watched a few Indian movies and had his head spinning. He was
    that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of
    apologized for everything he had done.
    In the movie of Mithun Chakravarthy Newton dada was confused to
    extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
    1) Mithunda has a Brain Tumor that, according to the doctors
    be cured
    and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, Our great
    is shot
    in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through
    taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured.
    Long Live Mithunda
    2) In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with 2
    has a Gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, what he
    holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet towards the
    knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the
    Then, Mithunda utters the following dialogue
    "Apun ka naam hai HIRA,Apun ne sabko Chiraa".
    3) Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a revolver but
    got no
    bullets in it.
    Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest maginations.
    for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots,
    the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet.
    closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun.
    Bang... And the gangster dies....
    4) The heroine is tied to an electric chair and the remote is in
    of the villain about 100 km away.
    As usual, the villain confronts the hero saying "Hathiyar phek
    main yeh remote ka button dabake tumhari mehbooba ko mar
    The usual
    fight occurs and just as the hero makes the final blow, the
    but not before he presses than damn button.
    Now what to do?
    Sure enough, there is a horse and the hero jumps on it. Now there
    The current in the cable connected to the electric chair is
    fast but
    our hero and his horse are desperately trying to catch up....
    on for a
    few km and just as the current would hit the chair, the hero
    from the
    horse and picks the girl away from the chain and husssshhhh. She
    The poor electric current only goes to an empty chair.
    Hero! Hero!! Hero!!!
    5) This was too much for our Newton to take and he was
    off and he decided to go back.
    But he happened to see a Rajnikanth movie for one last time and
    that at least one movie will follow his theory of physics.
    The whole movies goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the
    changed. Oops not so fast. The climax finally arrives.
    gets to know that the villain is on the the other side of a
    very high
    wall. So high that Rajni can't jump even if he tries like one
    superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajni has to
    kill the villain because it's the climax.
    Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible...
    Rajni suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a
    throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height
    wall,he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his
    second gun.
    Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead
    Newton faints!!!!!!!
  9. slash

    slash New Member

    yup, thats bollywood for ya.....hehe

    My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

    Henny Youngman

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we

    Rodney Dangerfield


    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's

    Milton Berle

    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a

    George Burns

    I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
    "There was water in
    the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She
    said, "In the lake."

    Henny Youngman

    The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

    Henny Youngman

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
    know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband
    replied, "Yes,
    dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."


    When a man steals your wife, there is no better
    revenge than to let him keep her.


    I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
    like to interrupt her.


    My girlfriend told me I should be more
    affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.


    A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
    not to report it
    because the thief was spending less than his wife


    Getting married is very much like going to a
    restaurant with friends.

    You order what you want, then when you see what the
    other fellow has,you wish you had ordered that.


    Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is


    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
    it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't
    know son, I'm still paying."


    Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
    Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
    Dad: That happens in every country, son.


    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what
    real happiness was until I got married; then it was
    too late.


    A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife
    wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


    A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
    millionaire." "And what was he before you married
    him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A


    The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is
    that you never get to prove it.


    A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and
    said,"I've found a woman just like mother!" His
    father replied, "So what do you want from me,

    Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
    rest cheat in Europe.

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
    intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope
    over experience.


    If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
    attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
    name was Always.

    It's not true that married men live longer than
    single men. It only seems longer


    Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
    almost impossible.


    A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all -
    money,a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a
    beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What
    happened?" asked his friend. "My wife
    found out...


    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
    through life thinking they had no faults at all.


    I think one of the greatest things about marriage is
    that as both husband and father, I can say anything I
    want toaround the house. Of course,no one pays the
    least bit of attention.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than
    his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can
    find such a man.

    A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have
    whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law
    gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then
    says,"Okay, give me a million
    dollars and beat me half to death."

    Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
    marriage.They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.


    How do most men define marriage? A very expensive
    way to get your laundry done free.


    The most effective way to remember your wife's
    birthday is to forget it once.


    Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
    packing your parachute

    First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second
    guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive".
  10. esgallindeion

    esgallindeion Minstrel Knight

    Angel on the Christmas tree

    Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready
    for his annual trip...but there were problems every
    where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee
    elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
    ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
    being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa
    that her mom was coming to visit...

    This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness
    the reindeer he found that three of them were about to
    give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out
    heaven knows where...more stress.

    And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the
    boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to
    the ground and scattered all the, frustrated
    Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a
    shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit
    the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to
    drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee
    pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
    over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and
    found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

    Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way
    to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little
    angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel
    said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas

    And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be
    on top of the Christmas tree...
  11. slash

    slash New Member

    I think i know where:)
  12. alli

    alli The Best Ever

    mann... im always cracking jokes... no always cracking sad jokes.. pj.'s ... but i cant think of any whenever i come to this .....

    sob* sniff*...:eek:

    i wonder wht it is........
  13. slash

    slash New Member

    Here is one for ye alli....:)

    Dear Mom and Dad:

    It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been
    remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on,please sit down.


    Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

    Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and theambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

    Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

    The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has
    some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre- marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily.

    I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is
    kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. I am sure you will love him as I do.

    Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have any, er, illnesses, and there is no man in my life at all.

    However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I
    wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
  14. alli

    alli The Best Ever

    i should try this.....

    riiiiiiight.... i wish.....:)
  15. HellRazor

    HellRazor New Member

    For those of you planning on seeing the third LOTR movie at the theater her are some survival tips.

    1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
    2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
    3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
    4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
    5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
    6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
    7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
    8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
    9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
    10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
    11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
    12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
    13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
    14. Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
    15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
    16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
    17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
    18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
    19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
    20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
  16. alli

    alli The Best Ever

    hehehehhe....funny .

    but dont even THINK bout it guys . - never ever EVER will any one of u do even a minor of the stuff writen in this. :mad: (yea - i know it wont happen neways but still...)

    remember - this movie is 'sacred'.
    :nw: - Lord Of The Rings.
  17. esgallindeion

    esgallindeion Minstrel Knight

    Getting old, that one... Seen it three different places but it still makes me laugh...

    Agree with Alli that LOTR is sacred. And PJ is Great. His changes are Superb.
  18. scot_hacker

    scot_hacker New Member

    Small One

    Hey no offense...

    How do you recognize a sardar in school?

    They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher clears the blackboard. Bolo Tararara!

    Ha ha.
  19. FinalPhase

    FinalPhase New Member

    The Busy And Important Entrepreneur

    A young businessman started his own firm. He had just rented a
    beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

    Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing
    to appear busy and important, the businessman picked up the phone
    and started to pretend he had a big deal in the works. He threw
    huge figures around and made giant commmitments.

    Finally, he hung up the phone and asked the visitor, "Can I help

    The man said, "Yeah, I'm here to install the phones...
  20. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    The First Humor Section - Jokes

    Helicopter Problem

    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday
    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's
    electronic navigation and communications equipment.

    Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine
    the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

    The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew
    a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
    The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.

    People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
    drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their
    sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined
    the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

    After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the
    pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped
    determine their position in Seatle.

    The pilot responded 'I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT
    building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me
    a technically correct but completely useless answer.'

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