The Bar

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by i'm_not_neo, Sep 20, 2007.

  1. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    A poem...pretty long,please don't mind that..Let me confess,I have stretched it a bit but I don't really edit my poems,so please bear it....And oh,yes...please comment.

    He's sittings in a bar,
    On a friday night,
    He's longing for for some peace,
    though he's surrounded in quiet.

    He looks around,sees dozens of other people,
    and they are all unfamiliar and yet so similar,
    Little does he know,
    The wounds of love are always similar.

    The bartender has seen it all,
    He asks this guy about his story,
    The guy just blabs on,of how his love filled days,
    ended in misery.

    But he says,he still has not lost hope
    He's sure she'll return,
    And he knows her love was true,
    So he's willing to wait,in turn.

    He says he'll never love again,
    And wait for his true love,
    Coz he knows his love is strong,
    And he believes there's God above

    The bartender shakes his head,
    'Yet another fool',he thinks,
    He smiles up front but he's filled with pity,
    As he fills the glass for the gentleman,
    And says "The drink is on me."
    ~Bish likes this.
  2. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    The only part I loved: the last line. I didn't really like the rest though. You really have done so much better before.

    Also, how is a bar on Friday night quiet? :p or is it that he's shutting out all the noise..

    You're writing in third person, so, I think it'd be better as "His cursed heart aches".
    The guy's thinking the heart's stupid? And the heart will be together with the girl's heart? :S i didn't get this.
  3. #iR@


    hmmm good poem...the above lines SOMEHOW made me luv this poem... honestly! these lines got me man... they HONESTLY did! so ummm yea... i like the poem... BUT THEN AGAIN I KNOW U HAVE DONE BETTER! =) just keep writing... hehe
  4. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    haha..thanks a lot.You know,I personally had just the last stanza in mind..the rest is just elaboration,really.About the 'better before' part,thanks a lot,but I really am on a downslope when it comes to poetry these days.

    No..actually it's a bar where everyone is just like him..that is,everyone is sad..

    Yes,it should be 'his'.Edited.Thank you.

    Haha...forgive my bad inversions."The stupid guy,he thinks.." is a different line altogether.I just meant to say he's stupid coz he thinks they'll be together again..

    Saying all that,I fear I'll get a TLDR reply from I'm going to stop now.Thanks a lot for reading and commenting,really.
  5. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Really?Those lines??I mean without reference to the poem they're good but in the poem,I kinda mean the opposite of that.Anyway..I take that as a compliment:)

    Ohhh...I think I should humbly ask everyone to bear with my poems now.I really do struggle with poetry these days...

    Yes,I will keep writing.:dance:
  6. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    lol @ expecting a TLDR reply

    And the 2nd half of the 2nd stanza.. HAHA, I feel stupid for misunderstanding it :p
  7. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Edited the poem..and rearranged a few stanzas..
  8. ~Bish

    ~Bish The Illusionist

    dude.. u always used to tell me u write good poems in 3rd person's perspective but see u r also gud in this.. i think this is the 1st time u tried this way.. liked it..
    the ending is good.. but the theme is more of a devdas who is waiting for Paro.. i wud have loved it more if you wud hv written it with the attitude.. "go away i don't want u anymore"... i don't know may b i m talking 2 much..
  9. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    No not really..but thanks a lot. actually the theme is quite the opposite of that.But then again,thanks for reading and commenting..
  10. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    I love the whole setting. I somehow think you havent done justice to the setting. ah the possibilities!!!!! But overall I really liked this. the setting sets the bar for poems here on igt ;)
  11. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Ahh yes,the possibilities,indeed!!I actually do agree with you on that.Could've done better justice to the setting,but instead I built-up the scenario around a s ingle idea..somehow I was content,so here it is.
    lol..the last line was good, as a pun..
    Ohh and I did like Swansong..hoping to read more from you.
  12. #iR@


    ... posted a whole thread here by mistake... srry

Share This Page