reflection

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by nandy0894, Dec 20, 2012.

  1. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    i stare at a girl
    pretty she could've been
    but her eyes dont twinkle
    after all that she's seen..

    her eyes are red now
    from all the crying and screaming i am sure
    her lips are twisted now
    the same lips those were once pink and pure..

    her figure's fragile
    she is not what she used to be
    she's full of sorrow
    she is as sad as one can be..

    her friends called her sunshine
    she was the one who made everyone smile
    but now it seems the life has ceased
    and now she shows the pain that has been there all this while..

    i sometimes wonder what happened to her
    wonder what it could be
    and then i stare at my reflection
    and she stares right back at me..
     
    1 person likes this.
  2. simple and awesome poetry ...this word "sunshine" is like very close to my heart ..so i particularly like the lines after it

    u try and write a happier version of this ...if its sad its not the end ... reps added
     
  3. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    thanks a lot :)
    perhaps i should leave it sad for now..maybe it demands it..but lets c in near future if there is some happiness..then i shall rewrite it.. :)
     
  4. rickkkyrich

    rickkkyrich Guest

    Very touching... Loved the lines and the feelings it conveys...
     
  5. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    thank you..
     
  6. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    The poetry is good.
    Somewhere in between it seems a little insincere, but the end makes up for everything.
    So, overall, very good !
     
  7. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    please do point out the parts in which it seems insincere... :)
    and thank you very much...
     
  8. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    it's not the specific lines, rather a culmination of several aspects. If you intend to show a serious mood, even the punctuation matters a bit..

    but these lines:
    "her eyes are red now
    from all the crying and screaming i am sure"
    "
    she's full of sorrow"
    don't create the feeling of intense pain she must be feeling.

    and finally:
    "
    her friends called her sunshine
    she was the one who made everyone smile
    but now it seems the life has ceased
    and now she shows the pain that has been there all this while"

    The above four lines are good, but there is dis-symmetry in the number of syllables...

    All this still doesn't undermine the theme of the poetry, which I believe is the best part..
     
  9. i read and re-read some poems here they are awesome
     

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