Misty Mirror

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by maverick8218, Dec 14, 2004.

  1. maverick8218

    maverick8218 New Member

    I think I had posted this before, but I cant seem to find it on this sub-forum. so posting it again...

    Misty Mirror

    A dark scrawny face stared at me.
    Scathed by sins, burdened by crimes,
    paralyzed by fear, wrinkled by age,
    staring at me with wondrous gaze.

    The face had no sorrow, only shame,
    having played life like a game.
    All pleasures once belonged to the face,
    but was only left with utter disgrace.

    I saw repentance in its eyes,
    and that couldn’t be hidden by disguise.
    It wanted to live life all over again,
    but had nothing left but pain.

    The mist began to clear
    out of my mind’s mirror.
    Realization was like thunder in the sky.
    I fell to my knees, and began to cry.
  2. vanhouten

    vanhouten New Member

    Nice one. But if you don't mind an amateur's critic - The last stanza is not fitting. The first two lines are short and last two are long. Maybe a little change there to even out the lengths a bit more would make the poem more rhytmic. Just a n00b pov.
  3. maverick8218

    maverick8218 New Member

    good point van, but this is just a poem and not a song. i wrote it as a free-form poem giving very little attention to rythm or rhyme.
  4. vanhouten

    vanhouten New Member

    Well, its a personal opinion but i think rhythm is mre important to poems than song lyrics. It may sound absurd what I say, but I have seen many song lyrics which have no rhythm when read without the music and the way the vocalist sings it, but with all that it sounds perfect. However, in poems the poet cannot dictate the way in which it is supposed to be read (the proper pauses and speed etc...) and hence a rhythmic flow of lines and words becomes important.
  5. itsme_amit

    itsme_amit New Member

    any composition comes out of heart....
    what u feel..u define..u give it words...
    rhythm comes naturally..
    there is no as such distinction betwen a poem or a song..
    the only difference is how u recite or sing...
    truly urs was a good one....
    i do compose but mostly in hindi..
    today drawing ur inspiration will try to compose in english...
    KEEP IT UP...
  6. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    To a layman like me though, the poem is absolutely awesome dude. Very good.
  7. maverick8218

    maverick8218 New Member

    Thanx a lot for the feedback guys. amit and van, I said this was a poem and not song because it does not have the chorus-verse kinda structure like songs do. here, it's just one stanza after the other. And van, I'll try to change it on the lines that you have suggested and see how it turns out.
  8. DesiPride143

    DesiPride143 BEHAVE!

    good work mav
  9. maverick8218

    maverick8218 New Member

    thnx DP...
  10. vanhouten

    vanhouten New Member

    Excuse me for disagreeing, but I think there is a very subtle difference between writing song lyrics and potery whicha composer must learn to identify. And that is rhythm. The words and lines of a song lyric need not seem rhythmic as it is the vocalist who tells you how the song lyric should be read but in a poem there is no one to tell your mind how it should be and so it is the composer's duty to make sure he does that. And the best way is to make it appear rhythmic.

    Eg: this is part of a song I heard after the recommendations of some IGT member in the now playing thread.
    See, it has no form but the singer makes it rhythmic. But if you were given this as a poem, Im sure you wouldn't have thought it to be very rhythmic.

    Similarly, 'rhyme' can also be used differently for poetry and song lyrics. Bruce Dickinson in Hallowed be Thy Name (Iron maiden) makes 'pole' rhyme with 'low'. But as a poem it would not be that obvious. (btw, that is a form of assonance, if anyone's interested to know).

    I am no expert in poetry and song lyrics. This is just what I feel, after having read infinite no of poems and song lyrics.

    As regards to maverick's poem, rhythm is not that important because the initial stanzas are also not strictly following a rhythm (stanza 1 is rhythmic, two is more or less the same as 1. 3 is different but still not so different as 4, which takes on a completely new dimension of rhythm)... If your initial stanzas had also followed the same pattern as stanza 4, it would have been an excellent form. However, poetry essentially requires no form and rules and which is why I say your poem is quite good. You might not know, but what you have written is free verse based on Cadence and not on meter. But cadence also requires some thought of rhythm for its real beauty to emanate.
  11. maverick8218

    maverick8218 New Member

    LOL van. are you just teasing us or are you being modest when you say that you aren't an expert at poetry ? anyway, some food for thought, your last post. I think you should post a thread to educate poets out here at IGT. believe me, your effort will be appreciated... you don't have to be an expert to draft a tutorial.
  12. vanhouten

    vanhouten New Member

    Well, I haven't written much of poetry, that's why I call myself no expert. There are many potentially good poets in IGT with many good poems. I have just tried to educate myself to be able to understand poetry and I'm still in the process of it. ;) But like amit said, good poetry must come from the heart without being restrained by any rules.

    Well, ok, I'll post some threads about what I have learnt and would hope that any expert would pardon any mistakes that I make.
  13. maverick8218

    maverick8218 New Member

    way to go, van...

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