Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by maxeffect, Jun 13, 2007.

  1. maxeffect

    maxeffect New Member

    That my first ever written poem...a stepping stone to start


    The early morning prayer
    and the breakfast on the table.
    Picking up the backpack
    with school-bag as the label.

    It all starts with the classwork
    and ends with the homework.
    Play, punishment, detention
    all in a day's work.

    The school bell rings
    and we all start yelling.
    Pouncing on every tiffin
    coming from different dwellings.

    Having secret crush on mates.
    Forming our own group & associates.
    Breaking every rule
    making even the mentor look a fool.

    The playing in the monsoon
    and the making of paper boat.
    Fighting for every single mark
    in all the exams we wrote.

    We were all the same
    with no bada no chota.
    Never knew about the terms
    called 'reservation' & 'quota'.

    And the good ol' vacation time
    singing every known rhyme.
    Who cares about the lunch & dinner
    when i'm the today's match winner

    It will never be the same
    playing every game.
    Enjoying every season
    even the cold november rain
    O God! could i be a child again...

    who else
    astroguru26 likes this.
  2. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    A nice write...overall it was good..I did feel that you rushed in on the ideas though..
    "The playing in the monsoon
    and the making of paper boat.
    Fighting for every single mark
    in all the exams we wrote."
    You see you've placed to completely unrelated ideas here..I found the paper boat part unnecessary b'coz that gives you an image of your early childhood..I don't think I ever made 'em after 2nd and we never fought for marks at that age..Anyways this is just my opinion,its not that its wrong..

    As I said overall its good...

    We were all the same
    with no bada no chota.
    Never knew about the terms
    called 'reservation' & 'quota'.

    Though there's some "Hinglish" there,those lines are good...:dance:
  3. maxeffect

    maxeffect New Member

    hey...thank u
    i had lots of ideas for this one....wantd to cover every aspect of growing yrs

    ok..making paper boat...and fighting for marks cover diff. age grps [wat, i thot we fought for marks rite frm childhood :)] but i used this para for a the nxt para speaks abt reservation stuff...and later playing matches stuff.....else the poem wud hav been more lenthy

    srry for those hinglish part..but the para ws going so apt dat i just cant replace it.

    neways a big thank u... i read some of ur poems ...they were feels nice to get my 1st comment from u ..

    [PS. cud some1 tell how this reps system work...i'm a newbie yaar]
  4. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    I guess yes,this poem shouldn't be chronologically is a brainstorm of memories..I would've just preferrred it to be a bit chronological..
    Its your first its really a good start..and btw,you've ended the poem well..
    Please don't apologize for the hinglish part or any thing for that matter..its your poem and it expresses you...and the hinglish was effectively used btw

    To give reps click on the star icon below the user name..
  5. #iR@


    must say dat was one good attempt man... hope u keep riting and keep posting ur poems here... enjoyed reading it! :) keep it up...
  6. maxeffect

    maxeffect New Member

    i'm_not_neo: actually i did tried for a chronology, but not of age..but of time(of the yr), as it starts with school, then monsoon, follwd by exams and finally vacation....but as i didnt do it precisely it went unnoticed.

    #iR@: hey thanks, yep i'll start posting in here, u too hav written a poem on same theme...fortunately we both had a diff take:)
    liked this forum..ppl here are honest with there comments:D
  7. #iR@


    ^ yea i did... hehe and well yea u r right about ppl being honest around here! post more of ur stuff soon...
  8. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    ohhh...interesting..all in all it was good..chronology can be neglected esp. for a nostalgia:dance:
  9. maxeffect

    maxeffect New Member

    Thanx..friends, but i still hav 2 query
    1] I'm still confused abt the rep wen i click the star how many points will be donated, what is this bank & total

    2] How to get these emoticons dance etc. i can manage to gt only the 'smile' :)
  10. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    i look back on histoy and smile ...!
    good poem

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