Jab Hum Nahin Hote

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by horsesmouth, Apr 14, 2010.

  1. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    so this my first thing of the like.. comments?


    Kya wo theherte hain jab hum nahi hote?
    Kya wo jaagte hain jab hum nahi sote?
    Patton ke hilne ki aawaazein aati hain,
    jab hawayein unki khushboo saath lati hain.

    Saath milkar mehfil ka sama baandhenge,
    kahin zameen pe baithenge, do baatein karenge.
    Ya dil ki awaz hi kaanon me pad jaye,
    isi ehsaas mein yun nazarein milayenge.

    Jab bhi hamari yaadein aati hai,
    kya wo hanste honge yun muskurakar?
    Ek kaandhe ke sahare jab hum nahi hote,
    na jaane rote honge yun muh chhupakar?

    Kabhi dhaal, kabhi mashaal ki tarah;
    hum tumhari raahon me saath rehte jayenge.
    Jab hum na hon, hamara gham na karna,
    thodi der theherna, laut ke fir ayenge.
     
  2. rickkkyrich

    rickkkyrich Guest

    its very good...is it ur first post in hindi?
     
  3. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    thnks
    yea, my first... though i'd made one atleast 8 yrs bak, bt it was no good.....
     
  4. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    Its a pretty good attempt but I will point out few techinical flaws.


    Kya wo theherte hain jab hum nahi hote?
    Kya wo jaagte hain jab hum nahi sote?

    Patton ke hilne ki aawaazein aati hain,
    jab hawayein unki khushboo saath lati hain.

    These 2 verses do not connect. You can use them seperately in different paras.


    "kya wo hanste honge yun muskurakar?" ... thise line doesn't make sense to me (unless you can explain)

    Rest is fine.
     
  5. gud one

    keep posting ...this one took a lot of time
     
  6. tesu

    tesu New Member

    awesome lines man... like them :)

    one needs to be up all night to write this kind of stuff
     
  7. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    @walk alone
    i do agree wid ya....nxt tym!

    @tesu
    thnX a ton man
    @monica
    hhaa thnX
     
  8. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    Its upto imagination, I wrote wht i visualised.. hehe.. its like when u remember som1, n the times u've spent wid her/him, u cant help smiling, ofcourse its followed by a pang of loss.
    Bout first para being broken, i realised tht bt cud'nt find nything bettr..
     
  9. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    with due respect to your emotions .. idea is to help each other with some constructive criticism.

    keep up the good work
     

Share This Page