so this my first thing of the like.. comments? Kya wo theherte hain jab hum nahi hote? Kya wo jaagte hain jab hum nahi sote? Patton ke hilne ki aawaazein aati hain, jab hawayein unki khushboo saath lati hain. Saath milkar mehfil ka sama baandhenge, kahin zameen pe baithenge, do baatein karenge. Ya dil ki awaz hi kaanon me pad jaye, isi ehsaas mein yun nazarein milayenge. Jab bhi hamari yaadein aati hai, kya wo hanste honge yun muskurakar? Ek kaandhe ke sahare jab hum nahi hote, na jaane rote honge yun muh chhupakar? Kabhi dhaal, kabhi mashaal ki tarah; hum tumhari raahon me saath rehte jayenge. Jab hum na hon, hamara gham na karna, thodi der theherna, laut ke fir ayenge.
Its a pretty good attempt but I will point out few techinical flaws. Kya wo theherte hain jab hum nahi hote? Kya wo jaagte hain jab hum nahi sote? Patton ke hilne ki aawaazein aati hain, jab hawayein unki khushboo saath lati hain. These 2 verses do not connect. You can use them seperately in different paras. "kya wo hanste honge yun muskurakar?" ... thise line doesn't make sense to me (unless you can explain) Rest is fine.
Its upto imagination, I wrote wht i visualised.. hehe.. its like when u remember som1, n the times u've spent wid her/him, u cant help smiling, ofcourse its followed by a pang of loss. Bout first para being broken, i realised tht bt cud'nt find nything bettr..
with due respect to your emotions .. idea is to help each other with some constructive criticism. keep up the good work
