Forum Poem 1

I see the rainbow chase the sunny sky

 

Sorry, the best first line I could think of... anyone has any other ideas?

 

I see a bird trying to fly

 

the winds are cold around the mountains high......

 

smells so nice even when i close my eye ....

 

Bringing back the essence that saturates me with joy

@bob - lol, from when have u started smelling with ur eye?

 

want this time to never end ...

@ tejas - it has some deep thoughts behind it .

 

a broken heart i have to mend

 

your happiness to me you do lend

naa that doesn't work....but i get an A for effort

 

I see a rainbow chase the sunny sky
I see a falling bird trying to fly
The cool winds as they cut the mountains high
Still smell so nice though I have closed my eyes
Brings back the essence that fills me with bliss
A lonely walk, trailing the stream, trees amidst
I want this time to never end
A broken heart I have to mend
Your happiness to you I'll send

The lines in bold are also ok, but it ruins the mood i think from a naturistic to a lovesick theme...

 

Anyone has any change to any line or order of lines, please post...

 

Next line, someone?

 

i don't know essi, we need to find some other topic....no one seems to be interested in this topic...

 

A lonely walk, trailing the stream, trees amidst
I want this time to never end
->A season never to change...

 

"I want this time to never end"

i think this line ended the peom..??!! who wrote it.. hahhaha

 

I see a rainbow chase the sunny sky
I see a falling bird trying to fly
The cool winds as they cut the mountains high
Still smell so nice though I have closed my eyes
Brings back the essence that fills me with bliss
A lonely walk, trailing the stream, trees amidst

I think it flows well till here. After that, we have to think of something new, cause like reem said, the next line ends the poem.

 

Brings healing to my weary soul

 

So far, in tejas' post all lines have 10 syllables but the last line has 11. It would be good to continue as 10 syllable lines till the end and finish with 14 lines. That would make your poem somewhat like a sonnet, only with a new rhyme pattern - aaaabbbbccddee.

"Walking alone, by the stream, trees amidst" would make it 10 syllable.

 

To heal my jaded soul, my only wish

 

The line maybe of 11 syllables but it still flows very well with the line before. Though what u converted the line into retains the meaning, it does not retain the essence.
I dunno, i just like the original better. After that i dunno which line to consider. You and essi both posted something simillar. So i dunno which one to consider.