Another long poem: Well this one was literally "straight from the heart" and I hope every1 likes it.. I think many of us will have either gone through this phase or want to go through this phase... Blur As I count the restless days, the horrible sleepless nights, I just don't think its fair, To be left with the memory of your face. And to make things worse, As if they already weren't, As each day passes, your memory gets clouded and the face blurs. The only thing that prevents me from losing your identity, Is the joy of cherishing, every fragment of time we shared, I still don't think its fair I've known you for a month Left with your name and face, And yet the reminiscences feel like spending eternities in space. So I look up to the sky, And it hurts my soul to do so. As I decide to stop myself, From living in your afterglow. This life, it finds a way Maybe we'll see each other someday, But now I realise, Life could be worse, Watching pearldrops roll off my face, As the memory of your face blurs. I allow you to escape my heart Without a trace.
i liked it..pretty nicely expressed..and more than anything, i liked the title(deep meaning, hidden in poem itself).. good going reps edit: and its not long..dont u worry
Thank You!! Its good to know you liked the title (and I was really looking forward to someone appreciate that)...I'm glad you didn't find the poem long... I agree when you say its "pretty expressive"..but I prefer poems to be very simple which often makes them end up being pretty expressive.. Thank you for the reps..now I have "a spectacular aura about"!!! I was waiting for the "will become famous" to end..
"want to go through this phase..." accha ! "I was really looking forward to someone appreciate that"...the peom was a cute thing ...bandi ka ek photu takh lo pass kabhi nahi hoga blurr..... nice attempt
^^hehehe...you're right about the photo point (should have snapped a pic on my cellphone)..but I didn't,hence "Blur"... And by saying "every1 wants to go through this phase" I meant the blurring phase not the "miserable days and nights phase"... Thank you for reading,your comments are always honest..
I got what u said earlier about the expressive comment..I actually wanted to say that it is pretty and not very expressive because I choose simplicity ...Anyways,thank you...and sorry to make such a mess of such a sweet compliment..
The only thing I could bitch about was the technical aspect. You seemed to suddenly change the rhyme scheme (which isn't a bad thing) and I was expecting you to sort of revert back to it in the last verse which you didn't. See....the first two verses are sort of ABCA (each alphabet represents one line and the two similar alphabets are rhyming lines) and then you sorta moved on to an ABCB pattern and then to an AABB. The thing with so many changes in the scheme is that it makes the flow of words a little rough and that's usually not a great idea when the words you've used are simple. Also avoid using lines like this one- And to make things worse, As if they already weren't, As each day passes, your memory gets clouded and the face blurs. where you use an entire line to basically repeat what you said in the line above it. That being said, I liked it and it's something everyone can relate to.
I'm amazed withe fact that this is actually the first time I've been told I don't follow rhyme schemes.. From my school days,,I hated rhyme schemes..people often mistake anything that rhymes at the end as poetry..I never focus on rhyme schemes.I may switch from ABCA to ABAB or simply ABCD as long as it expressses what I want to say rather than stupidly matching words to make it feel good. That being said,I know the importance of rhyming words,hence some of my works follow it strictly like "Tears in the rain" (plz read to notice the,i think,ABCB).. The point is don't force rhyming words in the poem,if they come, fine..but never force them in the poem. i got your point,of course.Perhaps the flow of the poem gets rippled as the rhyme scheme breaks making the reader feel "huh?" Will work on it.. *****
Oh and about the example: And to make things worse, As if they already weren't, As each day passes, your memory gets clouded and the face blurs. you're right,the second line is unnecessary but when I said "straight from the heart" apart from personal experience,I meant it is completely unpolished..not a good quality for a poets perhaps...but its things like these that make me feel like I've expressed them...hard to explain..I'll try to avoid it though.. And I've forgotten to thank you..apalogies..thank you,always nice to read your reviews..
I thought you did that delibrately when I read it. I'm glad you don't actually feel the need to. I'm a compulsive rhymer and that makes it way harder and often adds cheesiness. It's really not anything you need to work at if you're actually looking to make rhymes. I love freestyle verse. I've been working at something along those lines. It seems a lot harder to me to pull off not-rhyming rather than pull off rhyming.
Forced rhyming brings cheesiness,exactly my point.I didn't know you made poems..did you post any here? @born2tab...thank you,you're replies always encouraging man..
not that I can remember. I stopped writing for quite some time and now I've started again, I find it hard to finish so I just have a lot of unconnected verses on my hard drive reflecting different parts of me. I never really like what I write though.
hmmmm... i am kinda confused about this poem... i know its good, actually VERY GOOD... ok whatever i rite now is what i ACTUALLY HAVE IN MY MIND... i reallyyyyyyy don know why i didn;t like it AS MUCH AS I LIKE THE OTHER POEMS U RITE! *scared* PLEASE DON KILL ME! : honestly... maybe i am not in a mood for poetry... not even sure if theres a "MOOD" for poetry... but then again i said i am CONFUSED about the comments i have about this poem... i liked it but i think u can do better! good effort man!
First of all,good to see you after a long time... Okay the Don't Kill Me part,hilarious...I appreciate honesty more than anything.. I have to make a few romantic/mushy/sad typical poems to come up with something new...hence,Blur (thats perhaps the lamest excuse..) Its fine if you didn't like it...come to think of it, its just another "broken heart" theme..the good thing is,you replied eventhough you didn't like it.. And its actually good to know I can do better...
