Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by detritus, Mar 3, 2009.

  1. detritus

    detritus New Member

    there was once a brilliant dream
    and fears ignored while i sleep
    i hit pause to wake, till its time again
    to cross one more off my list

    you've forgotten now
    what you wanted
    or why you ever
    crawled out of bed

    i hate it now because it makes me remember
    you shouldnt have taken that from me
    please dont make me wait
    and still have to stay awake


    written because im bored, pissed, really missing a cigarette, and its only fair that i get critiqued as well.
    if someone were to get me a bar of chocolate and a pack of smokes, id be much obliged.

    my own opinion of this is quite low, i find it too discontinuous.
  2. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    i liked only the second para.....
    is it ur first time?
  3. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening


    sorry, thats the first thing that came to mind.
  4. detritus

    detritus New Member

    i cant believe i cant think of a comeback for that question.
    so anyway, no its not, although i dont normally write, i draw.
    at any rate, this was quite forced

    say what? o_O
  5. y forced ?... acche bacche jyada raat tak nahin jaagte...!

    i liked it ...but for whome was it ?
  6. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    did som1 put a gun to your head so u cud write a poetry?
  7. detritus

    detritus New Member

    talking to myself

    I wasn't forced to write it. I forced the writing a little, since I didn't really have anything inspiring me to write.

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