a short poem...YOU AND I

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by Sharmontime, Feb 3, 2006.

  1. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member

    m i improving??? please do tell me and help me.. i m interested in knowing how i write, and how to better my works...


    No No No...
    It's not the way you should be
    First get to know what 'tis dear
    then you'll be always near,
    for all my life here
    you'll be mine dear.

    Yes Yes Yes...
    That's what the One above did bless
    It's YOU and I and
    YOU and I and only
    YOU and I
    and time will never go past by.

    very short indeed ;) please do comment...thanks.
  2. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    compose ur self in a comprehensive manner...what du u want to write....basic idea should be crystal clear ...now approch it either by a very coiled-circular-road way...or very straight from an obloique angle...both the ways lisner sholdnt know till the last line where r u going to land ......ur language is simple so i suggested this
  3. idefixe

    idefixe New Member

    u need to work on ur writing...........

    hey sharmon,

    i read ur poem .it lacked kind of a rythum and was not clear as to what it meant.
    have nice idea about what u wanna write ........ok
    And u definately will improve.....with time

    and thks for ur comments
  4. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member

    @madhuresh : thanks bro...i now i feel that i understood the basic nuances of poetry...

    @idefixe : thanks idefixe for your suggestions. i shall surely work more.
  5. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    hmm.. I didn't get it... :(

    What r u trying to say?
  6. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    From what I understand of it, it's a pleasant (though a tad cliched) thought which you've put together well. You're forcing your rhymes though and that's never a good thing...the flow of the piece is pretty choppy.

    In terms of concepts, you're pretty much where you should be...I don't really have this sort of creativity and am envious of people who can actually put simple thoughts forth in a lovely way....however, you need to work on the way you're writing.

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