Yet another lonely day

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by apurbajd, Dec 2, 2005.

  1. apurbajd

    apurbajd ~#$&*$@*^$

    Well guyz this is my first attempt to write sumthing which I dare call a poem (u may vary though ;) ) ... just wanted to know 4m u all is it all crap or I made up sumthing at least !! :think: Pls tell me how u feel....

    Yet another lonely day
    Another night of coming back home late
    another night of sleepless hug to the lifeless bed
    another tryst with all thats so black and thick
    That make me believe God is really a sadist

    Another morning of waking up late
    it was so late when I slept
    and waking up to an aimless day
    I stare at the day blankly and wonder
    What am I going to do today?

    Another afternoon under the sun
    and everybody else is on the run
    don’t know after what
    only I seem to have all the time in the world
    to do don’t know what

    Another rainy evening that seemed so lovely earlier
    How I loved to have that rainy shower
    Now looking through the window I still get wet
    Not in the rain, but in tears which seemed so sacred
    When I never shaded one

    And that’s how my days pass by
    That’s how I live this life
    Still I go on forever on this lonely road
    Hoping someday I will find a road sign
    Telling me where my destination lies.
    .:SpY_GaMe:. likes this.
  2. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    ohh.. :( u need to spice up ur life dude.... do smthng!

    good effort though :) i liked it
  3. Garima

    Garima Born to rule <img src="images/smilies/rule.gif" bo

    really a nice try....if its the first try its gr8...
  4. apurbajd

    apurbajd ~#$&amp;*$@*^$

    Woa ... thanx .... I was expecting sum repiles telling it all a crap..... but see .... now i think its time to sit and start writing the next one ...
  5. Garima

    Garima Born to rule <img src="images/smilies/rule.gif" bo

    all the best Dude....for the nxt one :dance:
  6. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    yup.. u'll get better n better as u write :)

    so keep writing!
  7. BubblyMartini

    BubblyMartini !!!HAWM

    is it shedded or shaded??

    i like the poem..
    ur write some more
  8. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    both r wrong, it sould be shed... no such word as "shedded" martina...
  9. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    The poem lacks content. Your writing style is decent and you have the right ideas and flow but your verse lacks content. I could've summed up the feelings in your entire poem into just one or two verses. The others just get repititive.

    What I'd like to see you do is re-write this (I say re-write only because I see potential....otherwise i'd ask you to scrap it)....chop a few of the repititive verses, add another few and change the vibe.

    One of the basic faults that you're making is that the desperation and depression is the only thing you seem to focus on.

    Picture this in real life. If there's an acquaintance of yours (not a friend, just someone you know) who is really depressed, it is human nature that you will try to cheer them up or just be a shoulder to cry on. But if this same person seeks you out everyday and rants on about how unlucky they've been in life, you will, in the end, either lose your mind or shut them up and move on with your own problems. No one likes to hear eternal ranting.

    Anyway, all in all, I think it's a pretty decent start to writing....hope to see some more from you.
  10. apurbajd

    apurbajd ~#$&amp;*$@*^$

    Right Cryptic! got that.
    Thnx bjr for the valuable tips... will definately keep this in mind and try to come up with sumthing better ......

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