While explaining a bit about christmas to a bunch of kids, they asked me if I ever got a christmas present in my entire short little life and that's where I came up with this. I'd opened an old school book of mine and seen all sorts of things scrawled on the pages...names of crushes, friends, enemies, random musings and some very impure thoughts in general. That's where I came up with the concept of what if books are actually nothing but pissed off trees which are trying to get even with us...and are now spies for Santa? What if they could read our minds like we can read them? I've never had very public-worthy thoughts in there anyway. Enough of my rambling, onto my creation...I thought some of you would enjoy this, it's got a Calvin and Hobbes touch to it: WHY I NEVER GOT A CHRISTMAS PRESENT: An International Conspiracy I think I've got the study blues I see it as I revise Spread through the pages are subtle clues that books are spies disguised They know the girls I think I like With whom I've fooled around They even know that little tyke I pounded into the ground tit-for-tat means books read you and mark you, just the same I ask myself what good it'll do And then it fits the frame Ever wondered how Santa guesses If we've been naughty or nice? 'tis not chance, logic impresses That books are spies disguised!!! Year by year I spent those weeks Supressing the horns and tail I never guarded those imagination leaks which could embaress even those who sail And books, those poor trees I say Are out to settle the score And they get back by giving away Our deepest secrets and more. As I sit here wondering whom to blame I hit upon a plan Tomorrow, in my exam, I'll write my name And there I'll take my stand I'll refuse to write a single word Thats come from an exploited spy I'll call the examiner a stupid turd And refuse to tell him why A rebellion against this infernal system That cost me a million toys I'll burn these books in front of them And so will the other boys And so I put my books away Lock them all up tight Tomorrow is another big day The day I set things right ------------------ 27th December 2004.