Walk....

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by aryasridhar, Jan 18, 2012.

  1. aryasridhar

    aryasridhar New Member

    I wrote something last night :D
    Feedback please - Incomplete yet

    I have been walking.......for hours
    Dealing miseries.........in my life

    I have been walking.......walking all along
    walking all along the riverside

    Blinding lights and restless nights
    In the world of changing boundaries

    Pulling the punches off on the face
    Am the back seat driver of my life

    I'm dealing wreck in my head
    No peace to spare
    in the wake of the day

    I talk in to the microphone
    and never hear what I say

    Just when i see the light on me
    the world turns dark to feel

    noise from the neighbours
    hits the wrong chords of facts

    Is this the real? would someone tell me please
    How can i deal, with it, please answer me

    I have been walking.......walking all along
    walking all along the riverside
     
  2. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    good collection of emotions, and neatly and aptly expressed..
    Keep posting!
     
  3. rickkkyrich

    rickkkyrich Guest

    nice lines dude.. keep it up !
     
  4. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    I think the first half of the verse is too literal. its like a running commentary of what your doing. I like the second half where you create nice pictures in my head with your words. id change the first bit if i were you.
     
  5. aryasridhar

    aryasridhar New Member

    Hi, Thank you for the comments, are you referring to these lines?
    I have been walking.......for hours
    Dealing miseries.........in my life

    I have been walking.......walking all along
    walking all along the riverside

    I shall try to work on it and see what i can come up with :)
     
  6. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    yes! I think it would fit better together if you came up with something more metaphorical like the rest :)
     
  7. aryasridhar

    aryasridhar New Member

    Sure will try, I am no genius and does not have a great vocabulary, but will try!!!!!!
    Thank you for the response once again!!!!!!
     
  8. aryasridhar

    aryasridhar New Member

    Modified the entire theme i guess........here it goes :D

    Breath chokes me
    The minutes tick on

    Black holes in my head
    High tides fool around

    Blinding lights and restless nights
    In the world of changing boundaries

    Pulling the punches
    off on the face
    Am the back seat driver
    of my life

    I'm dealing wreck in my head
    No peace to spare
    in the wake of the day

    I talk in to the microphone
    and never hear what I say

    Just when i see the light on me
    the world turns dark to feel

    noise from the neighbours
    hits the wrong chords of facts

    Is this real?
    someone tell me please
    How do I deal with it,
    How better it can be?

    What do I do now?
    Looking down the cliff of sadness

    Do i jump? Will i fall
    In the lap of the good life?

    Whatever it is
    the minutes tick on.....
     
  9. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    i love this one better..! awesome..
     
  10. mymusicmyguitar

    mymusicmyguitar New Member

    WOW.....loved it.....!!!!
     
  11. aryasridhar

    aryasridhar New Member

    Thank you sir!!!!!! :)
     
  12. aryasridhar

    aryasridhar New Member

    Thanks Mate!!!
     
  13. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    I like this a lot more. I hope you're not really taking inspiration from how you're feeling. suicide is not a great option because if there is an afterlife, you might end up feeling silly if you're doing it to end it all :)




    why does it show 7 stars instead of the word when i type in suicide?
     
  14. aryasridhar

    aryasridhar New Member

    Hahaha, no dude I do not have any suicidal tendencies whatsoever........wrote this over a period of time, but finished it just the day i posted here......Life is Beautiful, cheers mate :)
     

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