Dude, your idea was right but the execution just wasn't well thought out. 1) To express eroticism, you really have to go into the erotic mode. I don't know about you but when I'm sharing an erotic moment with someone, I'm usually breathing really hard. I don't dare talk louder than in whispers even though there is usually no one else around. I use short sentences....short to the extent that they are almost incomplete. Certainly not lines as long as some that you've used. 2) I know English might be a weak point for a lot of us but seriously yaar, things like spelling "you" as "U" reminds me of an sms and I have never ever found an sms terribly erotic especially when I have to rack my brains to understand what you mean in it... ("h-a m8, U look sxy whn u ggle") Also, try to run what you've written through spell check just to get the basic grammar correct. 3) Your rhyme scheme is probably the worst you could pick for an erotic verse. Your rhyming is "AABB" (i.e.- Each line is rhyming with the one right after it and then the same for the next two lines and so on). Try something different. I personally like ABCB(Where only the 2nd and 4th line rhyme) or ABAB(where alternate lines rhyme). Think about it: There was a rat It was very fat So it got stuck under a mat Where it became breakfast for a cat And that Was why the rat should have gone on a diet. This kind of rhyming scheme where every word is with the one before (AAAA) or even the one which you used is usually best for situations which are humourous....hence it is understandable that a lot of people were amused by this poem rather than aroused by it. 4) No "big" words please. I wouldn't have time to consult a dictionary if the one I fantasize about was naked in front of me. Like cypher says, it's not about what words you're using. It's about how you use them. Having said this, I think that this piece had the potential....if only you took it in the right direction. Love is a high The world is on hold A smile on her lips And a truth untold
vishwa, even i dont use "tough" words as such so dont worry abt that... and i didnt really feel anythng as such but it was kinda funny... nice try though, u can definitely do better! and hey, i was jst kiddin abt the privacy thng.. where do u get the ideas to write ur poems :shock: coz i would never think of such topics if i were in love :
@bjr: First of all.. i really like to thank u.. for that guidance.. i agree AABB is not the best.. but i like ABAB more then ABCB anyway i will try to improve in all the points u told.. @bubbly martini: bubbly.. thanx for comparing me with khuswant singh.. i think he is good.. becoz he has the potential to tie the reader with the book...n thats n art.. the art of poetry... passion is a feeling just like love.. sorrow.. happiness.. and a good writter is who.. can perfectly bring them to life with his pen.. anyway thanx to all.. for liking my poem.. ok i m going to write something different now..
hey every body is like kharchaa paani leke chhad gaye hamare writer saahab par. itna achha likha hai. I GUARANTEE, is thread ko padh kar anybudy wud start laughing like hell Or atleast he will or she will smile. This thread definitely satisfies the main reason of life. like stayin happy. GUd JAAAB mate. me toh still laughing .... i mean the thought is really mast. mazaa aa gaya bidu. =))
hey, i am pretty sure that this has something to do with divya.but very disappointed that she hasn't seen it yet.......gotta tell her soon.... :tele: And yeah, i liked the part where her clothes fell on ur face.....nice humour touch.....
@angela...got your call !...... of course i saw it...so now i am more cautious while bathing... : ...joking...more excited actually... :goof:...
Hmm???? Hmm well what other kinds of poetry do u write vish? As for this one, i think i speak for a lot of people when i say..there really wasnt anything erotic about it. It sounds more like a horny narration gone haywire. "Bathtub filled with warm water was ready to take u in.. I watched u sitting and then lean.. U closed ur eyes and started to moan.. as if I was touching u.. on and on... I saw u full.. i saw u the whole.. I had only the heart.. that also u stole.. I watched u moan..moan.. and moan.. This was the first time.. Baby.. u turned me on..." :shock: IF there's another attempt on the way maybe you could try more sensuality and emotion..rather than just plain visuals and narration..i mean you have counted yourself in this so many times..."i did this" and "i saw this" and "i saw that" get what i mean. Analyze this one..and you can be darn sure you'll be an excellent erotic poet!! :grin:
He was indeed one of the most funny person on IGT...I have read few more poetries by him.. Erotica as he may call it.. Sooooper funny stuff
Hahahaa... You closed your eyes and started to moan with eyes closed...Haaha *I see what you did there* superb stuff !
this is ahem..lol but i read a poem over here.. i do not remember the title or the poet... probably it was "desert dreams" it was an erotic poem too( if this shall be included in that genre and was written really beautifully !
here..found it.. plz pay no heed to the comments though.. i am just talking about the poem.. ;-) https://indianguitartabs.com/f24/desert-dreams-erotic-17274.html