U turn me on...

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by vishwa_81us, Dec 6, 2005.

  1. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening


    Dude, your idea was right but the execution just wasn't well thought out.



    1) To express eroticism, you really have to go into the erotic mode. I don't know about you but when I'm sharing an erotic moment with someone, I'm usually breathing really hard. I don't dare talk louder than in whispers even though there is usually no one else around. I use short sentences....short to the extent that they are almost incomplete. Certainly not lines as long as some that you've used.

    2) I know English might be a weak point for a lot of us but seriously yaar, things like spelling "you" as "U" reminds me of an sms and I have never ever found an sms terribly erotic especially when I have to rack my brains to understand what you mean in it... ("h-a m8, U look sxy whn u ggle") Also, try to run what you've written through spell check just to get the basic grammar correct.

    3) Your rhyme scheme is probably the worst you could pick for an erotic verse. Your rhyming is "AABB" (i.e.- Each line is rhyming with the one right after it and then the same for the next two lines and so on). Try something different. I personally like ABCB(Where only the 2nd and 4th line rhyme) or ABAB(where alternate lines rhyme).

    Think about it:

    There was a rat
    It was very fat
    So it got stuck under a mat
    Where it became breakfast for a cat
    And that
    Was why the rat
    should have gone on a diet.


    This kind of rhyming scheme where every word is with the one before (AAAA) or even the one which you used is usually best for situations which are humourous....hence it is understandable that a lot of people were amused by this poem rather than aroused by it.


    4) No "big" words please. I wouldn't have time to consult a dictionary if the one I fantasize about was naked in front of me. Like cypher says, it's not about what words you're using. It's about how you use them.



    Having said this, I think that this piece had the potential....if only you took it in the right direction.


    Love is a high
    The world is on hold
    A smile on her lips
    And a truth untold
     
  2. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    vishwa, even i dont use "tough" words as such so dont worry abt that... and i didnt really feel anythng as such but it was kinda funny... nice try though, u can definitely do better!

    and hey, i was jst kiddin abt the privacy thng.. where do u get the ideas to write ur poems :shock: coz i would never think of such topics if i were in love :p:
     
  3. the_wizard

    the_wizard Omega == God


    So is Salman Rushdie :beer:
     
  4. vishwa_81us

    vishwa_81us Banned

    @bjr:

    First of all.. i really like to thank u.. for that guidance.. i agree AABB is not the best.. but i like ABAB more then ABCB anyway i will try to improve in all the points u told..


    @bubbly martini:

    bubbly.. thanx for comparing me with khuswant singh.. i think he is good.. becoz he has the potential to tie the reader with the book...n thats n art.. the art of poetry... passion is a feeling just like love.. sorrow.. happiness.. and a good writter is who.. can perfectly bring them to life with his pen..


    anyway thanx to all.. for liking my poem..


    ok i m going to write something different now..
     
  5. koolstrum

    koolstrum The Chosen One

    hey every body is like kharchaa paani leke chhad gaye hamare writer saahab par. itna achha likha hai. I GUARANTEE, is thread ko padh kar anybudy wud start laughing like hell Or atleast he will or she will smile. This thread definitely satisfies the main reason of life. like stayin happy. GUd JAAAB mate. me toh still laughing .... i mean the thought is really mast. mazaa aa gaya bidu. =))
     
  6. vishwa_81us

    vishwa_81us Banned

    ^^^ thanx koolstrum..

    soon.. i will do some serious poems.. but with a funny touch..
     
  7. guitarangela

    guitarangela gran'ma

    hey, i am pretty sure that this has something to do with divya.but very disappointed that she hasn't seen it yet.......gotta tell her soon.... :tele:

    And yeah, i liked the part where her clothes fell on ur face.....nice humour touch.....
     
  8. tumhare_divya

    tumhare_divya luvs 2 luv...lives 2 luv

    @angela...got your call !...:)... of course i saw it...so now i am more cautious while bathing... :p: ...joking...more excited actually... :goof:... ;)
     
  9. guitarangela

    guitarangela gran'ma

    i know that.......got it from ur voice.......all thrilled and excited......
     
  10. Petunia

    Petunia terminally dorky

    Hmm????

    Hmm well what other kinds of poetry do u write vish?
    As for this one, i think i speak for a lot of people when i say..there really wasnt anything erotic about it. It sounds more like a horny narration gone haywire.

    "Bathtub filled with warm water was ready to take u in..
    I watched u sitting and then lean..
    U closed ur eyes and started to moan..
    as if I was touching u.. on and on...


    I saw u full.. i saw u the whole..
    I had only the heart.. that also u stole..
    I watched u moan..moan.. and moan..
    This was the first time.. Baby.. u turned me on..."

    :shock:

    IF there's another attempt on the way maybe you could try more sensuality and emotion..rather than just plain visuals and narration..i mean you have counted yourself in this so many times..."i did this" and "i saw this" and "i saw that" get what i mean.

    Analyze this one..and you can be darn sure you'll be an excellent erotic poet!! :grin:
     
  11. rickkkyrich

    rickkkyrich Guest


    EPIC poetry.. :RollLol:
     
  12. alpha1

    alpha1 I BLUES!

    Yeah, he was an epic poster too ...
     
  13. rickkkyrich

    rickkkyrich Guest

    He was indeed one of the most funny person on IGT...I have read few more poetries by him.. Erotica as he may call it.. Sooooper funny stuff
     
  14. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    Hahahaa... You closed your eyes and started to moan with eyes closed...Haaha *I see what you did there* superb stuff !
     
  15. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    this is ahem..lol :p
    but i read a poem over here.. i do not remember the title or the poet...
    probably it was "desert dreams"
    it was an erotic poem too( if this shall be included in that genre :p:) and was written really beautifully !
     
  16. Morbid_Angel

    Morbid_Angel Sid the sloth

    ah, so you were very much aroused? ^^
     
  17. alpha1

    alpha1 I BLUES!

    Yeah, we are interested in knowing ... which poem?
     
  18. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    no .. !
    but i think you would be.. who knows even this might have helped you :)
     
  19. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

  20. alpha1

    alpha1 I BLUES!

    Ha, yeah nice one.

    Its true, guys are nomads, and its always better to remain so ...
     

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