The River

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by horsesmouth, Mar 12, 2009.

  1. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    I climb these mountains,
    With the trees I am alone.
    When I scream into these valleys,
    Even my voices seem to drown.

    I am on a journey
    to seek what is true,
    The best of my voyages
    dont give me a clue.
    For what is right, I dont understand;
    Travel is to me, what Life is to man.

    I strolled near the river,
    I looked at it from above.
    It returned me back to me,
    Did'nt feel like the love.

    The river is so loud,
    I can hear nothing else;
    Even closing my ears,
    Does'nt give me back my conscience.

    I could not see what's below,
    The shiny surface hides all thats within.
    Is'nt water transparent like our hearts?
    Or did it bear the mark of some being?

    Then I understood what the river is:
    Its no different than a man.
    To see what's hiding beneath,
    we must dive into the stream.
    The stream that is the heart,
    shows us all that is unseen.
    Not who fear to submerge themselves,
    Only those see who are very keen.

    The message is quite visible, so I dont feel the need to explain why I compared the river to Life!

  2. detritus

    detritus New Member

    ahh.. everything was going great till the fourth para. It doesnt make much sense, and kinda ruins the flow. Was really liking the last verse too but then the line 'The stream that is the heart,' kinda put me off.. You shouldn't make it that direct, it would work much better if you didnt mention the heart or compare it directly.
  3. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    yea, I'm feeling that's wise....
    d'ya hav some suggestions?

    instead of :stream thats the heart:, wht 'bout :The Verve/Life of the stream:
  4. metalhead_junky

    metalhead_junky New Member

    nice poem!
    u r certainly a good poet
  5. metalhead_junky

    metalhead_junky New Member

    I mean it really.....
    it seems as if you enter into your own fantasy worrld when you write poems!

    Reps added...
  6. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    thnXXX a lot dude, n for the reps too,...
    and not into my own fantasy world exactly, more like my life is sufficiently moronic to write poems on it! thats the catch, people write poems only when they are happy or sad....ability comes too...but....

Share This Page