Not at all happy with the title..very lame..but anyway..I wanted to say a LOT in this poem but I have serious doubts if this poem says it all...honest feedback is kinda necessary coz I'm seriously considering a rewrite...would hate for such a complex theme to go wasted.. I'm just another sinner in a prison black walls and steel bars have become cozy now this solitary confinement: my home somehow but when I look out those steel bars it's freedom I smell.. How each sunrise and sunset have a story to tell! This warden it seems somehow has taken pity on me He thinks justice was too harsh and would like to set me free Though ironic a place it is to find sympathy, I'm sure you could not even imagine what freedom means to me.. So the warden merely points to this loosely held brick he smiles and my paranoia awakens but I don't care if it's a trick But I stop halfway for I know that isn't my way out though freedom is a few steps away I know vindication comes with a price to pay.. So I'm just another sinner in a prison black walls and steel bars have become cozy now this solitary confinement: my home somehow..
W-O-W! tooo many thoughts in one poem... i could understand a couple of em in like 2 stanzas but i felt that they were carried on wid MORE thoughts and feelings... its like too much is going on... its like someone going through a CHAOS... a huge chaos of clashing thoughts which kinda makes sense somehow... maybe cause dats something I can relate too... overall... good poem... and how the hell on earth NO ONE commented on this?
I know..actually the original theme is that you have to face the consequences of your actions though somewhere along the line you may find a way to avoid them..but the guilt won't leave you then..but then it got accompanied by other themes and I just knew this poem is quite a mess since it's saying a lot at the same time...but you were pretty right!!Definitely about a huge chaos of clashing thoughts! I'm glad you got it!!!! : I don't know..But I'm glad YOU did!
i took notes while reading this poem..thats how serious i was. the first stanza makes me feel like the prisoner is aware and conscious of the fact that he has committed a crime and with almost like a sigh, he has accepted his fate. is that what you want? the second one, seems like he repents and wishes he had the freedom. the rest i can just sum up.. so what it feels like is that the prisoner is aware of his past and accepts the situation he is in. Although the warden is willing to let him out, on a humanitarian note, the prisoner does not feel like its the right thing to do (perhaps a guilty conscious?) and decides to just suck it out within the four walls that have become his home now.. what happened here, is that i have to disagree with hira.. and maybe even you? .. the first two lines in the first stanza (im just another sinner in a prison/black walls and steel bars) are probably the only lines in the poem that bring out emotion..the rest all feel like its a story with an insight into one's head and opinions. "So the warden merely points to this loosely held brick he smiles and my paranoia awakens but I don't care if it's a trick" ..is an example of a weak stanza. Hopefully, you can see how. Its like a story. Ive read your other poems and i know what you are looking for is a stronger emotional and deeper sense of connection with your characters. This is not it. Close your eyes and put yourself in that position. Dont give us the setting or the plot; instead give us everything you feel and think. Feel what you think they feel when in that situation. You are the sinner in a prison. Become the warden. And tell us. I don't think you should discard this poem. Instead, use it as a template and work with it. Mold it to what you see in your head. It can be frustrating to have something in your head which can not be seen with the same intensity on paper. Goodluck hun...and awesome effort.
ps..i love the word vindicated. there is much emotion involved with that. allow it to show in your work. Give it more than just a definition of accusation.
Well, the title is gud and so is the poem..... u started off pretty strong.....it was a bit low in the middle and end was fine...... u can change something if u wanna make it stronger, but the idea is very well put forth.... well i'm saying this coz its actually a complex theme u r thinkin abt.... otherwise a nice poem....
Err..this is a huge reply since I was obviously glad you took the pains to comment on it so honestly. Yup.Exactly. Well,he doesn't repent here.He just longs for freedom. No.Actually,the after the 1st 2 stanzas things get complicated.I haven't done justice to the characters so it's fine if you didn't get it.The complexity appears here..firstly,the warden wasn't even supposed to seem humane.Since I clarified that the prisoner is in fact guilty,letting him go is not right at all.Readers were supposed to doubt his intentions(which I later decided to skip..coz it would only make it more complex)..Though I tried to portray it,what SEEMED like a humanitarian effort was actually a lot worst than the sentence itself for the prisoner..not just emotionally but socially too. And this is where I actually put the prisoner's character (unsuccessfully maybe)..he decides to go through with it for he realizes that freedom is not in escaping from prison but in washing out the guilt.I didn't want to elaborate vindication coz I believe that completing his punishment wouldn't achieve that..but him choosing to face the consequences would be a huge step towards it. I honestly know what you mean.It's just that it was a wee bit hard once the warden was included.People easily lose track of the theme once he gets in the picture...sometimes even forgetting that the prisoner is in fact guilty. I personally hated it.Esp. the 'brick-trick' combo...lamest thing I ever did (after 'most-ghost').But I have to explain the purpose.My initial attempt did not include this stanza and the penultimate one and ended with "But I'm just a sinner.." I was perfectly happy with that one.But based on some honest reviews,most of them didn't get the depth of the poem.Sometimes I just need to tell a story from a to z for it to make sense.Here,the actual intention was to show that 'freedom' was actually close by.'Paranoia' was actually supposed to awaken the paranoia in the reader's mind about the warden's intentions.Again,I doubt if I succeeded. If I were to do that,I'd totally skip the 5th and 6th stanza and begin the last one with a "But.." (imagine if you may).Those are what make this poem a story..like spoon feeding.But I don't know if it'll make sense to anyone..and I'm often afraid people imagining wrong things or worse,imagining nothing at all!And I would hate it if people drew the conclusion that the prisoner was just stupid! Ohh..and I definitely cannot be the warden.I don't want anyone to know what he's actually like for I know his intentions are actually bad but just like it always is,people find the one who shows (or pretends) mercy is always good.That's how I want him to be. I hope whatever I've said so far doesn't seem like a justification for what I've written.I still am not happy with this one but then you get to a point where you know you've said it all and though you won't to say it better,the truth is still out there somewhere. I'd be glad if you suggested any directly applicable changes though. Or I guess I need a break..then perhaps keep the idea of each stanza alive but rework on the phrasing. Thank you!!!!!Really!
Thanks man.Yeah,could work on a few things..but the THEME wasn't really complicated..the characters were complex.Anyway,thanks for reading and commenting..can always use some feedback!
first thought: holy mother of god! :shock: ok, so heres my take on this. i think i get your standpoint. and you arent wrong in trying to justify yourself. because this is your narration and this is your story. The issue lies with the difference between a poem and a short story. the advantage and i guess beauty of poetry is that there is much more emotion that can be relayed in a couple of lines. There is alot more depth in poetry. stories are more descriptive and explanatory.. this is a book. he is mad. she is pretty. straightforward. with poetry you hint and toy with the descriptions.. and the figuring out is left to the readers. I guess whats difficult about this poem specifically is that there is so much going on and there is so much you want to say, but there are limits. What you are actually doing is writing a story instead. And you say that you are afraid of what readers will think and say and worst imagine and misinterpret the poem. Hate to break it to you, but thats what a poem is meant to do. Its supposed to be misinterpreted. Its like a game of tease you play with readers.. you know something they dont. With poetry unless you say the sky is blue, people are left to imagine the color of the sky. And that is why poets choose to be so vague..they want to keep that element of mystery in their art. Its beauty. Its enjoyable. You can not expect people to know and think the way you are/feel. They have their own interpretations and their own opinions. And they will have them regardless. Inescapable. is an example of the numerous elements you want to bring into this poem..it can not be done.. unless you spend more than just a word on it. A word will not bring emotion to a reader, unless you use it more expressive and emphasize on it. Similes and adjectives build...express. bottom line: dont toy with too many ideas..its not safe. because you lose yourself in the moment .. and the essence is gone. And you need to accept that the readers should be led to perceive and feel what they want to. In the process of wanting it all there and telling all i think you've lost the beauty of poetry. Like, for example.. the warden. You dont want too much about him in your poetry, when a reader reads it.. we'll be left to think that he way too nice and humanitarian..and not someone who has a mean streak. Concentrate on what's most important to you and in relaying your message. im not much of an expert.. but if you think it would help.. we could come up with substitutes and explore some ideas together. think of paranoia.. when you are hit with a paranoia.. bring in the emotions related to it. what comes mind first. note: look in your inbox if you havent done so already..
this is a good poem ...can be set for many things and thoughts in many lives and ideas....hw i percived it was of a common mans view...jail main bhi khana to milta hai na ...soo kunn dikkat lo bahar ja ke panga karne ki....lol the prisoner is cool liked ur poem
OMG...LOL. :shock: i just realised what i did. @im not neo: mister, that was not meant for this thread. lol. theres another poem on here.. i think its amits..and well its not his.. its something he found somewhere.. and for the life of me, i thought i was on that thread. my bad.. my bad.
Wow.. i really like when ppl write on such themes.. instead of writing on romatic themes.. well i m no one to give any feedback on such a beautiful thought.. but still somehow i feel.. thought was nice but execution was not so touching.. didn't feel the loneliness and pain which a real prisoner goes through... but hats off to the theme and lines written..
I like the dullness at the beginning and end but I think the intensity should have risen at the point where freedom is within sight. I read the explanation but I don't think you've even come close to capturing all that as you've yourself pointed out. Why didn't you make this into a series of sorts? Part 1 could be acceptance, the second quiet desperation, the third being an introduction to the wardens psyche in general, the fourth perhaps an interaction between the two and then going on from there. Something like a concept album. 5 verses was a weak attempt.
