The Invitation-

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by #iR@, Dec 5, 2007.

  1. #iR@

    #iR@ GANDI BACHI RELOADED

    wrote this one last nite... i think its somehow related to a poem dat i rote n posted here long time back... it was called "THE REPLY"... so yea hope u get SOME part of this poem... anyway.. enough of the talking.. here the poem...

    --> The Invitation

    The invitation that i sent you wasnt a lie
    come let me show you a part of my life
    stand still and let me explain
    whatever you see is more of a game
    so just stand still and let me explain

    just turn around and look at the walls
    they all seem so blank to u
    but to me they are the world
    till i break them down and deicide to move on

    stop flipping through those pages of those books
    you wont find anything to your good
    its all written in a languauge which is better not understood
    just stand still and let me TRY to explain

    ok just try feel the heavenly breeze
    everytime i feel it, it reminds me of a new dawn...
    dont make that face that you cant feel it at all!

    i finally give up hope n walk you to the door
    "just let me know the next time you plan to drop by", i whispered
    "i'll change my world for you TILL u plan to hang around..."

    i dont think the poem needs any explaination but basically... its about showing around wat ma life is all about BUT it just doesnt make sense to anyone... n well yea dats wat usually happens in normal life too if u think about it... n yea in the end u r just like buzz off! but the next time u wanna look around tell me before u come... i'll try showing u something u wanna see... or rather something dat makes sense to u... n one more thing... see in the poem EVERYTIME "I" try showing around like PROPERLY as in by giving details... i am just distracted by the "VISITORS" reactions or expressions... or atleast dats wat i have tried to portray... then again u r more then welcomed to take the poem in watever sense u want! hehe

    thx for reading n like always comments r welcomed...
     
  2. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Ahh yes,more like the other perspective to The Reply.With reference to that one,this makes more sense..but it is quite beautiful on it's own.
    Going stanza-wise,1 would explain the theme..good inroduction.2 is just beautiful,seriously.The line "till i break them down and deicide to move on" was just..*speechless*..3 was ok..elaboration perhaps,necessary though..
    4..hmm..don't mind my indepth comment but this kinda reflects you,I'd say.The fact that his/her reaction would bother you says a lot about you.At that point I really felt that's you.
    The theme kinda changed from that point,FOR ME.See,the reply was more about you/inventor.This one,from that line,was more concerned about the world.
    i finally give up hope n walk you to the door
    I thought..hmm..maybe I was wrong..maybe it still is about HER.
    "just let me know the next time you plan to drop by", i whispered
    I kinda knew what would come next..but was hoping for something else.
    "i'll change my world for you TILL u plan to hang around..."
    And this part,I didn't like.Why would the person do that?Change his/her world to make it understandable to someone else?Well romantic,yes.Truly romantic.But maybe I was too held up on The Reply,which was more individualistic..sort of :"you won't get it and I can only try explain".I thought..uh..anyway,I'm blabbing.
    Bottom line..excellent write.The end,though romantic,didn't cut it for me.
     
  3. #iR@

    #iR@ GANDI BACHI RELOADED

    ok.... *speechless* on ur comments... BUT the poem was not SUPPOSED to be romantic under ANY cicrumstances... see i know i know... i mean the end SHUDNT have been FINE GO TO HELL I"LL CHANGE MA WORLD FOR U under any circumstances... but wen i was riting this... the poem somehow changed into a more HUMAN NATURE kinda deal THAN "ME" i mean... see in the end u r like fine i WILL do a lil changes to make u feel comfortable around ma place or something like dat... i mean u change urself OR rather time n events MAKE u change... so i guess... dat explains it... n it wasnt romantic like AT ALL! :eek:: BUT THEN AGAIN... thank u SOOO much for the feedback man... just HAD to clear out the end... hehe... glad u enjoyed it... =)
     
  4. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    errr...apologies..maybe "romantic" was too intense a word.What I meant was perhaps an amalgam (pats back for improved vocabulary) of sweetness and compromise.Sweet I can understand.But compromising was a bit harsh on the "subject" in the poem.Before I speak too much (again!) I liked it.And well,you justified the end pretty well.Thanks for clearing out things.
     
  5. AtoZ

    AtoZ New Member

    good attempt GBR but just feels like |R|E|A|D|I|N|G|
     
  6. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    I dont know but this poem really makes me picture you as bubbly. The kind of person who probably just stares at everyone and giggles away lol. Im a little like that as well.
     
  7. #iR@

    #iR@ GANDI BACHI RELOADED

    @ AtoZ... lol thx for the comments man... :)

    @ farinlovely... umm ok... kool i guess... bubbly?! interesting... ok i really dont know how to react to ur comments but thanks for reading n commenting... means a lot... seriously!
     
  8. sukrut

    sukrut God Guitarist

    @the thread starter.........

    great poem........makes one dip into the mood of the poem.....not some high wnglish which nobody can understand but still appreciate........

    godd one...keep it up!

    cheers
    :beer:
     
  9. Angira

    Angira New Member

    nice attempt......
     
  10. #iR@

    #iR@ GANDI BACHI RELOADED

    @ sukrut... thx man... i just use the "normal" english dat i know... dats all... dont wanna make something too hi-fi dat even i cant understand...

    @ angira... thx for reading =)
     
  11. Rude_gal:)

    Rude_gal:) New Member

    Hey Hira...this has to b urs...no doubt...

    like always...GOOOOOOOOD ONE....
     
  12. #iR@

    #iR@ GANDI BACHI RELOADED

    ^ lol... thank you! *actually smiling*
     
  13. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    i'll change my world for you TILL u plan to hang around..."


    I think this line kinda sticks in my head. It's like you'll try and be nice but if they choose to hang around, you'll go back to being yourself so they'll either go away or learn to accept the real you.

    Well written....the rest of it was a little tedious to read I thought.
     
  14. anubhav27

    anubhav27 New Member

    same here bjr.........
     
  15. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    My earlier comment,I see,is totally wrong..how come I missed the "TILL"?It's even capped!!That line was the only thing that bugged me in the poem and apparently I read it halfway through..so,yeah this poem is beautiful. (*still can't believe he missed a capped word*)

    Of course,the credit goes to bjr for quoting that line.
     
  16. #iR@

    #iR@ GANDI BACHI RELOADED

    @ last 3 posts.... ok i cant believe i rote this... total crappy line...

    *actually thinking why on earth she rote it*

    ANYWAY... thanks for reading though =)
     
  17. anshphenomenon

    anshphenomenon Rape me :boff:

    i like this one.
     
  18. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    meh, just because you don't believe in it wouldn't make it crappy. I can actually identify with that line somewhere.
     
  19. goooooooooood
     

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