The First Official "Jokes" Thread

That aint ""Dirty"" Its a blonde joke.. Blondes dont know dirty hehe...

 

haha lol. Blondes..........blondes.......

A blonde walked into a bar and said ow.
(no seriously she walked into a beer bar and said ow)
?

??

 

I'm mad as hell with Microsoft.

They may make a good product as far as Windows (as if there was any other place to go) but the Microsoft Network Customer Support is the worst I have ever seen in my life.

I bought a new computer for Mom (who is 80 years young) and she got the $400.00 off to join MSN, that's the Microsoft Network. I thought that it couldn't hurt because she was needing a new ISP any way.

Well I went and installed the MSN software got the local numbers went online. To this point there was a smile on my face. I opened up her mail and went to addresses, an error message popped up. The message read "The contact could not be created. The Hotmail service is temporarily unavailable. We are doing everything we can to get this service back online."

I was under the idea that it was a temporary problem with the local host so I went on home. Two days later she called me up and said that the message "The contact could not be created. The Hotmail service is temporarily unavailable. We are doing everything we can to get this service back online." was still there and she couldn't get the address book to work. Now for me to drive to Mom's house is a 75 mile round trip, granted that it's a pretty drive doesn't matter, the fact is that I had to make a separate trip, and with gas at 2.00 a gal. You do the math.

I got there, I called up tech support. I was cut off 8 $#%$ #$%*&$ times with the same "we are sorry but because of the high volume of calls we have to disconnect your call. Please try again later." Twenty minutes per try I finally got through to a live tech person who told me what to do about the error message. Because of the fact I was on the only land line I wrote down a complicated two page process that in the end didn't work. I tried it twice. The same message came up, "The contact could not be created. The Hotmail service is temporarily unavailable. We are doing everything we can to get this service back online."

Well it was back on the @$%&# phone again this time with an incident #. It took 7 #$%$# attempts to get a human. Each time I waited and then a message on the phone "we are sorry but because of the high number of calls we have to disconnect your call try again later."

Now I'm on the cell phone for quite awhile knowing that if I get a hold of some one I'll need them to walk me through and I'll need the land line to have me get walked through the problem. As I got through I got a hold of a guy that seemed to know his stuff. As we were just getting into the problem the phone beeped me low battery. I asked the guy to call be back and he told me he had no outside line and couldn't call me back. And blank. The phone's battery went dead.




At this point I was #$#%^$%# fuming. I unplugged the $%^#%$ computer and threw it into the packing crate and took it to the car and said that if there was a 14 day return policy they are going to take it back. Well Mom just barely got in the car listening to me #$%$# belittle MSN. Half way there Mom said that she liked the computer and that she would pay the extra $400.00 dollars to keep it. So I turned around and took her and the #$%$# computer home. She said that she would get this computer wiz that charges 95 dollars to come and fix it for her. The whole idea for a new computer was to try and save a little money because her old one needed work that would cost money.

When we got home I set it back up and tried once more to get through to MSN. Well I felt lucky when it only took 4 tries to get through on the incident # line. This time the guy told me that all I had to do was to delete the entire MSN and to reinstall. So I tried it. I did what he said and crossed my fingers and again "The contact could not be created. The Hotmail service is temporarily unavailable. We are doing everything we can to get this service back online." message popped up and I just sat there head in hands close to tears.

I got a stiff drink and tried once more at least to tell them all to got to#$%$# sun don't shine. When I finally got through I talked to the Tech person telling him the problem. As I finished he said I'll need to go and talk to another tech and said he was going to put me on hold for a minute. I tightened up as soon as I heard silence. I was put on hold, waited about five minutes and then was cut off to a dial tone. I was #%*(*&% fuming. I stood up and yelled that I couldn't stand it any more. I scared my Mom from the ranting driving away telling her it's her problem and to get that lady computer guru out there and get it hooked up.

Mom, the next day, was going to call her guru but decided to call BestBuy to just drop the MSN, she'd pay the $400.00 to get away from MSN. Well BestBuy said it was a MSN's problem to disconnect the service. Mom commenced to tell the story and was given a number to MSN to call. She called it and to her amazement got right through. There she talked to a woman who told her that it was a service agreement through the store, BestBuy and Mom and that she'd have to take it up with BestBuy.

Mom then got in her car and drove across town to BestBuy. Now they're making an 81 year old woman do this. She got there with all her paper work and told the tale again from start to end but to another person other than the one she talked to on the phone. This woman at this point helped her. Finally the MSN vampire monkey was off her back. She drove home and phoned her former ISP and asked them to return to their service. They were so polite to her they walked her through setting her ISP up. Mom was FINALLY so happy that she has her E- mail and a new computer. With no help from MSN. #$%&*% &%$*& company. Microsoft sucks.

 

My Original joke...

So Microsoft now actually think they Invented The BEATLES???

 

/* Source Code to Windows 2000 */
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();


}

write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}


}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);


}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())

else
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

 

Last One for today...

Micro$loth Anagrams

MICROSOFT -- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
WINDOWS -- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
PENTIUM -- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
IBM -- I Blame Microsoft
DOS -- Defective Operating System
BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
BILL GATES --Became Insanely Lucrative Lunatic, Gains Assloads of Tokens Exporting Shitware

 

1. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

2. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

3. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

 

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After
two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was
doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about
that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I've never done either.'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?'

I said 'No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He said, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually
fool around?'

'No,' I said. 'I've never done any of those things.'

He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you give a damn
if you live to be 80?'

 

Success

At age 4, success is............ not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is...........having friends.
At age 20, success is...........having sex.
At age 35, success is...........making money.
At age 70, success is...........having sex.
At age 80, success is...........having friends.
At age 90, success is...........not peeing in your pants.

 

There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word its UP. Its easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you dont give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When it doesnt rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but Ill wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so Ill shut UP.

 

you are so !@#!#$ up with microsoft. . then go upto linux and contribute to putting micro!@#! out of business. Lets Join Our Hands And Put Microsoft out of business .. . Put up Linux

 

I'm using Linux hehe.. You thought i still live on Windoze??

 

good eh. . someones got brains here. ..

 

I've been using linux since i bought my computer.. Nothing new for me.. Olny thing is i used to play games on windows.. Now i do that on MAC cause mac supports most of my games..

 

Five cannibals(Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team
now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen
for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals
promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has
disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The
cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders,
managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now
YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working.

 

Deep thoughts

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him -

Is he still wrong?
---
If quitters never win and winners never quit, who is
the fool who came up with, 'Quit while you're ahead'?!

 

Talented Hypnotist

It was opening night at the theatre and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People
came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, 'Unlike
most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people
up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want
you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's
a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch....'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Shit!' said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

 

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room.
How on earth did you manage to do that? he fumed.
Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!

 

nice 1s, jay.. i luvd da hypnotist thingy..

Clinton's Clock

Fred passed away and went to heaven. Arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here." Walking through the gates, Fred noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse. Surprised at how heaven looked, Fred asked, "St. Peter, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?" St. Peter replied, "The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move." Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute. "Sam must be into closing a customer right now," said St. Peter. "The minute
hand on his clock moves all day." Fred and St. Peter continued walking. Soon, they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. "Whose clock is this?" Fred asked. "That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two." said St. Peter. They continued walking and touring heaven. Fred enjoyed watching the clocks
of all his friends. When the tour was finished, Fred said, "I've seen everyone?s clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?"

Saint Peter smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan."

 

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven. The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car. The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car. A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry. "What's the matter?" "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"