The First Official "Jokes" Thread

Discussion in 'The ChitChat Lounge' started by esgallindeion, Sep 18, 2003.

  1. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    Donkey story

    One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
    The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer
    tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided
    the animal was old, and the well needed to be
    covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve
    the donkey.

    He invited all his neighbors to come over and help
    him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel
    dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was
    happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
    amazement he quieted down.

    A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked
    down the well. He was astonished at what he saw.
    With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey
    was doing something amazing. He would shake it
    off and take a step up.

    As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt
    on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take
    a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the
    donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and
    happily trotted off!

    Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
    The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off
    and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a
    steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest
    wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
    Shake it off and take a step up.

    Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

    1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

    2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

    3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

    4. Give more.

    5. Expect less

    NOW --------

    Enough of that crap . .

    The donkey later came back and bit the crap out
    of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash
    from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually
    died in agony from septic shock.

    MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

    When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
    it always comes back to bite you.

    You have two choices...smile and close this page
    or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.
    I know what I did!!
     
  2. guitar_gal

    guitar_gal New Member

    The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the first row just above the dug out
    at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service
    agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the President's
    ear.

    President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hilary by the scruff of the neck and
    heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out,
    kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after she lands,
    the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high fives"
    everyone near him.

    The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers,"No Mr.
    President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
     
  3. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing
    to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms
    on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants
    to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge
    gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
    ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing
    there when on the far side of the gym a door opens
    and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with
    a sign saying, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'

    He starts running, and just as he gets close, she
    starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's
    running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the
    ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there.
    And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop,
    she disappears through a door. In comes the
    management who lead him to the showers, and
    then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

    He's back on the street and starts to think.

    'Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If only I
    had a little more time...'

    So he races back to the gym and says, 'I want
    to lose 20 more kg.'

    'No problem,' says the manager.

    Again he strips, and is led to the large gym.
    This time he's standing by the door when it opens.
    Out comes a large gorilla with a sign

    'If I catch you, you're mine.'
     
  4. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

  5. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    Q: How many bluegrass players does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: None. They won't touch anything electric.

    Q: How do you make a banjo players car more aerodynamic?

    A: Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.

    Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

    A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.

    Q: How do you know it's a singer at the door?

    A: He doesn't know when to come in.
     
  6. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    Q: What's the difference between Rock music and a machine gun?

    A: The machine gun only repeats 10 times per second.

    Q: What's the difference between an Electric Guitar and an onion ?

    A: No one cries when you cut up an Electric Guitar.Thaddeus Blue

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?

    A: To escape the Heavy Metal Music.

    Q: What's the difference between a Electric Guitar and a trampoline ?

    A: You remove your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

    Q: Why does an Electric Guitar Player leave his case on the dashboard ?

    A: So he can park in the handicapped zone.

    Q: What is a "nerd" ?

    RCA Dog
    Old Victrola Music
    "The Masters Voice"
    by Arvid Smith

    A: Someone who owns an Classical Guitar

    Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and an Electric Guitar?

    A: You can tune a lawnmower.

    Q: How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

    A: Five. One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.
     
  7. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    Q: If you were lost in the forest, who would you trust for directions?
    1. Santa Claus,
    2. An in-tune Heavy Metal player,
    3. An out-of-tune Heavy Metal Player.

    A: 3. Choice 1 and 2 indicate that you're hallucinating.

    Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar ?

    A: Add vibrato.

    Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

    A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to tell you how much better they would have done it.

    Q: What is a gentleman ?

    A: Someone who knows how to play Heavy Metal Music but doesn't.

    Q: What is an optimist ?

    A: A Heavy Metal Band with a beeper.

    Q: What's the range for an Electric Guitar ?

    A: About 20 yards if you have a good arm.

    Q: How do you tell if an electric guitar is out of tune ?

    A: If the strings are vibrating.

    Q: Why is an electric guitar like a SCUD missile ?

    A: Each is offensive and inaccurate.

    Daffy Guitar
    Looney Tunes
    "Merrily"
    arranged by Chet Atkins

    Q: What does a Heavy Metal Musician use for birth control ?

    A: His personality.

    Q: How do you make an electric guitar sound like an acoustic guitar ?

    A: Sit in back and don't play.

    Q: What's the difference between an Electric Guitar player and a dog ?

    A: The dog knows when to stop Howling.

    Q: What's the difference between a Electric Guitar and an Acoustic Guitar?

    A: The Electric Guitar burns longer.

    Q: Why did the bass player get angry with the lead guitarist?

    A: The lead guitarist turned a string and wouldn't say which one.

    Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

    A: None. The Lead player can do it with his teeth.

    Q: Why are concert intermissions limited to 20 minutes ?

    A: So you won't need to retrain the singers.

    Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a Porsche ?

    A: Most musicians have never been a Porsche.

    Q: How does a Lead Guitarist change a lightbulb ?

    A: He holds it and the world revolves around him.

    Q: What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO ?

    A: You can negotiate with the PLO.

    If you took all the Electric Guitar Players in the world and laid them end-to-end, it would be a heck of a good idea.

    Q: If you drop an Electric Guitar Player and a watermelon off a tall building, which would hit the ground first ?

    A: Who cares ?

    Q: How do you get a guitarist to play more quietly ?

    A: Give him a sheet of music.

    Q: What do vacuum cleaners and electric guitars have in common ?

    A: When you plug them in, they suck.

    Q: How many sound technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

    A: One, two, three, one, two, three.
     
  8. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.
    One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far enough for someone to hear us."

    So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
    15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
    One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"
    Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
    The man replies: "For three reasons:
    (1) he took a long time to answer,
    (2) he was absolutely correct, and
    (3) his answer was absolutely useless."
     
  9. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
    Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
    God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?"
    Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
    God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
    God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
    Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."
     
  10. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
    Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
    Not only that, but....
    Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
    Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
    Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
    You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
    Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
    The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
    The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
    New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
    The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
    If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
     
  11. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    Joke 1: One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down.
    The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
    The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."
    The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."
    All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
    The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

    Joke 2: Overheard: Bill Gates talking with one of his financial advisor's...
    Bill says, "You did what with my 150 million dollars? I said Snapple, not Apple!"
     
  12. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    Last Joke for today


    Abort, Retry, Ignore.

    (Apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)

    Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
    System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
    Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
    Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
    Having reached the bottom line,
    I took a floppy from the drawer.
    Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
    But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

    Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
    These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
    Carefully, I weighed my options.
    These three seemed to be the top ones.
    Clearly, I must now adopt one -
    Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

    With my fingers pale and trembling,
    Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
    Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
    Praying for some guarantee
    Finally I pressed a key --
    But on the screen what did I see?
    Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

    I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
    I pressed again, but twice as hard.
    Luck was just not in the cards,
    I saw what I had seen before.
    Now I typed in desperation,
    Trying random combinations.
    Still there came the incantation -
    Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

    There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
    Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
    And then I saw an awful sight,
    A bold and blinding flash of light,
    A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
    The PC screen collapsed and died,
    "Oh no -- my database", I cried.
    I thought I heard a voice reply,
    "You'll see your data -- Nevermore!"

    To this day I do not know
    The place to which our data goes4
    Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
    But as for productivity - well,
    I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
    And that's the tale I have to tell -
    Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
     
  13. guitar_gal

    guitar_gal New Member

    whoa whoa whoa.. jay!!! cmon! its hard readin so many jokz all at once!! pleez... 2 a day wud b gud.. really..
     
  14. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    Ok will try..
     
  15. Santa comes home early from work. Preeto (his wife) asks him,"santa, why have you come home early from work today?" Santa replies,"My boss lost his temper with me and he told me to go to hell."
     
  16. jijo

    jijo New Member

    hey a gujju oy asks his non gujju girlfriend to utter in his ear, something sweet a little salty and something very soft.........."DHOKLA".....pat came the reply
    hey no hard feelings guys ......................
     
  17. guitar_gal

    guitar_gal New Member

    hey jijo, uv posted da same thing twice.. y duncha remove 1 of em? n if u dunno how 2 do dat, u click on edit n den select dis option 2 delete yer msg..

    alrite.. here'z mine.......

    After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been
    stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a
    detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can
    be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been
    returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology
    and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for
    taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your
    ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience.
    Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the
    country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the
    couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has
    been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house,
    from basement to attic and there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you
    still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't
    I?" :) :)
     
  18. jayanth

    jayanth <.: : Call Quits : :.>

    Because I'm Blonde?

    A girl came skipping home from school one day.

    'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were counting
    today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
    but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

    'Very good,' said her mother.

    'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl said. 'Yes, it's
    because you're blonde,' said the mommy.

    The next day the girl came skipping home from
    school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were saying
    the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only
    say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

    'Very good,' said her mother.

    'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

    'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

    The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
    Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were in gym class
    today, and when we showered, all the other girls had
    flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank
    top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

    'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

    'Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?'

    'No Honey, it's because you're 24.'
     
  19. guns n roses

    guns n roses Pro Guitarist

    Ha lol. Thats a great one Jayanth, lol.....................i thot u told ME 2 keep the jokes clean . jk. lol, i likem like that,.
     
  20. guitar_gal

    guitar_gal New Member

    LOL.... nice 1, jay. u kno, me here.. hav been tryin so hard 2 find CLEAN jokes 2 post.. coz i got dis huge collection of dirty 1s. u ask us not 2 post such stuff n do dat yerself!!!! :p
     

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