Swansong

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by fairandlovely, Nov 2, 2007.

  1. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    Hi folks! This is my first post here and I hope I fit right in with all you awesome people. Im sorry i havent read anything else yet and I swear I shall comment on other peoples threads as I go along. Im just a brand new virgin for now lol.


    ah this poem (or is it song?) was written in self defence to a line that Ive heard way too much recently "If Id known the last time I kissed you was the last time I'll ever kiss you......." so that got me thinking what if one of them knew their kiss was the last and then I started writing. This poem isnt exactly about that though. anyway read on and comment. any criticism that is fair is welcome. This is also the last time I try to rhyme my lines its so hard!!!!


    Swansong

    An uncomfortable moment shared
    As eyes meet and turn away
    Betraying a truth, twice untold
    In words that lips couldn't say.

    Awkward but inevitable
    I hold you close and realize
    One last dance is all I get
    Thinking back I close my eyes

    Moving in time to lips and love
    Moving in rhythm, getting it wrong
    I dance my dance to these memories
    You dance your dance to the song

    Eyes follow us like a spotlight
    Knowing yet not feeling
    Unaware, you mock my plight
    With dancing eyes, spirit freewheeling

    Moving in time to beat and strum
    Moving in rhythm, getting it right
    I dance my dance to the moment
    You dance your dance to the night.

    And as I lead you out of my life
    I live an eternity in every breath
    Tonight I dance with my life
    Tomorrow I shall dance with death.

    Please tell her I'm sorry.
    __________

    Its very raw, I just wrote it yesterday so Im not even sure if its a song. I hope it is. I'd love to get feedback.
     
    Amanush..., i'm_not_neo and nimisha like this.
  2. nimisha

    nimisha .:Forum Leader:.

    its awesome..
    its been long since i saw good poems posted on this forum..
    glad to read this atlast! so simple.. and subtle..
    reps for you.
     
  3. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    ^Yeah,she's right..long time!!Well,the theme wasn't peculiarly worth praising but it's the way you expressed it!!I liked it...excellent work..you dun really get to read poems which actually make you feel the theme very often,but this one did!!Nice work..keep writing.
     
  4. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    wow! I wasnt expecting praise like this at all. I was even nervous when I opened the site today but thank you so much!!! Id like to know if there were some parts that you disliked or liked more than others.

    Id write practically the same reply to imnotneo too. Thank you! I hope I'll be posting here more and improve.

    you can say negative stuff if you want to. thats what helps us get better.


    Ive commented on a shitload of poems now so id better get more comments!!! lol!
     
  5. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    Before i comment on this, i would like to pointedly express the fact that i am not a good poet, nor that much of a reader of poetry. I enjoy the wordplay and the sensory activity, but i always interpret it in 10 different ways. Anyhow

    As you mentioned, it is evident that you spent a decent time getting the rhyming to work. Dont get me wrong, it was very good, but the next time, as you mentioned again, dont pay too much attention. If the poem's good, it wont matter.

    Next, the theme. The theme was a simple but universally felt one. The best part about it is, nearly everyone can identify with it. And then the poem becomes an eloquent articulation of our feelings thus making it very pleasing to read. Also you used good judgment. You didnt make the poem too grandiose or verbose. And thus it doesnt seem pretentious.

    Simplicity is truly elegance and silence is indeed golden, but too much of either tarnishes the overall quality. I was happy with the way you wrote out the poem in a simple and accessible manner. However with a theme like this, which is so personal and close to the heart, it is OK to use a few complex words. What i'm saying is, you clearly come across as a person having the potential to do a lot more, so dont 'dumb it down' too much.

    Apart from that, i have nothing to say. I enjoyed the poem and i will be looking forward to more from you. God bless.
     
  6. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    phantastic ...
    i culd realate to it ... felt exactly the same onse ....bhuut accha

    I dance my dance to these memories
    You dance your dance to the song
    best lines..........
     
  7. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    The way you comment to other people's poems convinces me that you're way better a poet than you come across on IGT.


    What I really like about this is the subtleness at places. Betraying a truth twice untold? Why would it be twice untold? I'm guessing that it means that the truth was the feeling they shared and twice untold because neither of them ever shared it with the other person?

    the lines madhuresh quoted were among my favourite as well...its almost like you started off with these lines and wrote everything else around them.

    The last line, quite clearly, sucks. Tell her I'm sorry?
     
  8. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    ah okay. I thought it was a nice dripping end. Yes twice untold does mean that plus that they also knew what the other felt yet never let on. seemed kinda clever then lol. thanks for taking the time to take a look.
     
  9. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    points taken but I almost always write songs and not poems and its not easy fitting in words like pulchritude to music. Im not dumbing anything down. Im just trying to use words that are easier on the tongue.
     
  10. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    :grin: That's just a word i happen to really like missy. Again, point taken about songs and not poems.
     
  11. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    out of curiousity, where did you get missy from?
     
  12. ~Bish

    ~Bish The Illusionist

    r u new here ? that was a real nice poem.. fair n lovely..
     
  13. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    Im not sure if that was well meant? lol was that a compliment or a put down?
     
  14. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    by the way I AM NEW HERE and you should read the first post more carefully
    jk :)
     
  15. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    ok, new people means new opinions.



    Anyone?
     
  16. some old story with some old words ...retold... !!

    anything new ... so does the cream works or ut still a blackie
     
  17. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    ^fairandlovely, ur poem was simply awesome!
    heck, why dont you post new ones!?!
     
  18. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    point taken. but isn't it the same old emotion that everyone eventually bows to? Isnt it the same old story told in the same old way though each new person thinks they are special and hence different?



    I sued the cream company and won.
     
  19. ^ may be ///////////////m/////////////
     
  20. detritus

    detritus New Member

    I see. So now, you do the creaming?
     

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