Some Stories He he he

Discussion in 'The ChitChat Lounge' started by dlogic, Jul 15, 2005.

  1. dlogic

    dlogic Zuitarist

    The Two Nuns

    There were two nuns...

    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

    and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
    the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
    at the most! What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
    logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
    I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
    worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
    Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened.
    The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
    as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do.
    I lifted my dress up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do.
    He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
    A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
    with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

    say two Hail Marys!
  2. dlogic

    dlogic Zuitarist

    The Golden Nugget

    A Husband and Wife, Both were very happy over the twelve-pound baby boy
    that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a
    famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve
    pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather
    hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to
    interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.

    The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and
    Mrs. Brown:
    Reporter: Does Mr. Brown Live here?
    Mrs. Brown: Oh! Yes.
    Reporter: Is he in?
    Mrs. Brown: Why no, he went somewhere.
    Reporter: Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
    Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed. Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?
    Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it
    is strictly private.
    Reporter : Is the place far?
    Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.
    Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
    Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.
    Reporter : Is the hole deep?
    Mrs. Brown : Quite so...
    Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
    Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...
    Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
    Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
    Reporter : Does he work hard on it?
    Mrs. Brown : You bet...........and how he perspires.
    Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
    Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...
    Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
    Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I owe the place.
    Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
    Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site,
    with my consent.
    Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
    Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...
    Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
    Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.
    Reporter : Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
    Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby
    The reporter fainted .
  3. dlogic

    dlogic Zuitarist

    Monkey Business

    Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the
    plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to
    understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the
    monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

    Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"

    Monkey : "Tying their belts"

    Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

    Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"

    Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

    Monkey: "Checking the system"

    Officer: "What were you doing?"

    Monkey:"Looking for my people"

    Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"

    Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"

    Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

    Monkey: "Serving the travelers"

    Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"

    Monkey: "Handling the steering"

    Officer: "What were you doing?"

    Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

    Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"

    Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"

    Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

    Monkey: "Make up"

    Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

    Monkey: "Handling the steering"

    Officer: "What were you doing?"

    Monkey: "Nothing"

    Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"

    Monkey: "All were sleeping"

    Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"

    Monkey: "Kissing the pilots"

    Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

    Monkey: "Responding"

    Officer: "What were you doing?"

    Monkey: "Handling the steering !!"
  4. tejas

    tejas ..........

    LOL. Good ones.
  5. dlogic

    dlogic Zuitarist

    Smart Indian

    An Indian walks into a New York City bank and asks to see the loan

    He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
    borrow $5,000.

    The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such
    a loan, so the man hands over the keys of a new Rolls Royce parked on
    the street in front of the bank.

    Everything is checked out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as
    collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the banks
    underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns,
    repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

    The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and
    this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are little puzzled.
    While you were away, we checked you out and found that u are a
    multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow

    The Ind! ian replied," Where else in New York can I park my car for two
    weeks for 15 bucks?"
  6. dlogic

    dlogic Zuitarist

    Santa Singh

    "Oye Santa Singh"

    Santa Singh replied: "Yes Sir"
    his boss said: "Get this $10 bill, go to Showroom and buy a Mercedes Benz for me"
    Santa Singh said: i'll be back soon with it"

    The boss said to his friend in a winning tone.." See how stupid he is.. he went to buy a Mercedes for only $10"

    The other friend said" Still my driver is more stupid" then he called his driver Banta Singh and said" Go home and check if I m there"..

    BAnta singh said " sure sir"..

    His boss said "see my driver is more stupid..he can't even realize
    that how can i be at home if i m here"

    Now Santa and Banta met on their way..

    Santa: My boss is sooo stupid..he gave me $10 to buy a
    mercedes.. he does not even know that today is Sunday and all showrooms are

    Banta: My boss is even more stupid.. He sent me to check if he is home.. he has a cell phone ..he could have called home and check if he is there..
  7. akkyy21

    akkyy21 #%@!$&

    A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become
    detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
    first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
    suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first Singh answers, "That's
    easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman
    says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
    5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, "This is your suspect, how
    you recognize him?"

    The second Singh smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy
    to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,
    "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are
    showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer
    you can come up with?"

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh
    and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you
    recognize him?

    He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The Singh
    looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears
    contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
    doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
    interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and
    I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office,
    checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming
    smile on his face.

    "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
    lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

    "That's easy," the Singh replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he
    only has one eye and one ear."
    Mudit Malhotra likes this.
  8. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    last one is 2 good ...
  9. deathdr_87

    deathdr_87 Awesome Guitarist

    hahaha.. these ones really crackd me up - i lvoed the one about the monkey, the 3 serds and the 2 drivers...
  10. akkyy21

    akkyy21 #%@!$&

    A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and
    the only one available was wildlife Zoology.After one week, a test was
    held.The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares.
    In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies,
    no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds
    from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier
    every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and
    threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever
    The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have flunked the test.

    What's your name?"

    The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said:

    "You tell me..."
  11. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    mast sec-C hai be ...
  12. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    How about this one:

    Some time ago, President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at
    the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a
    replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a
    very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns
    to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could
    do on such short notice.

    Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his
    finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief of
    Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good
    chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup
    tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to
    have stomach cramps and nausea.

    It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to
    excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing
    through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his
    rear end, which made him feel even worse.
    By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was
    so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the

    He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found
    a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he
    realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's
    office with his trousers around his knees.

    As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the
    President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."
    And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
    guitarangela likes this.
  13. cYpHeR

    cYpHeR Banned

    A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about
    who enjoyed s.E.x more.

    The man said "obviously Men enjoy s.E.x more than women. Why do you think
    we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

    "That doesn't prove anything" the woman countered.

    "Think about this when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle
    it around, then pull it out,

    which feels better - your ear or your finger?"
  14. akkyy21

    akkyy21 #%@!$&

    A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
    >The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
    >He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
    >going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
    >good time to be spoiled by not going.
    >So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
    >for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go
    >to the party.
    >As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
    >have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
    >with him.
    >So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
    >cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
    >could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
    >His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
    >his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
    >She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
    >After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear
    >and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
    >love in the back seat.
    >Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put
    >the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
    >would make up for his outrageous behavior.
    >She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time
    >he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
    >you're not there."
    >Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never
    >even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some
    >other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"
    >"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
    >night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
    >To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss,
    >apparently he had the time of his life."


    Ek baar class main inspection hoti hain..

    Headmaster sahib aate hain....... Sawaal karna shuru!

    Headmaster: "Bachoo Hamari body ka sabse naram part konsa hain"?

    Jab koi jawab nahin deta to master Bunty ki taraf ishara karte huay

    Headmaster: "Bunty tum isska jawab do"!!

    Bunty: "Master ji hamari body ka sabse naram part hain G*ND, kyon ki,
    agar hame thand (cold) lag gaye hum kehte hain 'G*nd Phat gayi',
    Garmi lag jaya hum kehte hain 'G*nd phat gayi',
    thoda chalna pad jaye'G*nd phat gayi',
    Rona aa jaye 'G*nd phat gayi',
    Homework karna ho 'G*nd phat gayi'

    Headmaster ko gussa to aata hain lekin Bunty ka jawaab bhi sahi hain
    to woh kuch nahin kehta..phir sawaal karta hai.

    Headmaster: "bachoo aab ye batao ke, Ladki ki jaab shadi ho jaati hain
    to woh Doli ke time roti kyon hain"

    Phir koi jawaab nahin deta......master phir Bunty ko jawaab dene ko kehta

    Bunty: "Master ji aap itne bade master, gyani or samajhdar AGAR AAPKI

    Master ji ko phir bahut gussa aata hain lekin Bunty ka jawaab bhi thik
    hain...isleye woh use kuch nahin kehta.

    Master phir sawaal karta hai: "Achha bachoo agar main aapko tisri
    aankh lagane ki shakti doon to tum kahan lagwaoge"

    Koi bacha kehta hain sir pe, koi kehta hain mooh main, koi kehta hain
    pet main. koi kehta hain kaan pe.....

    Master ko koi bhi answer acha nahin lagta hain to wohBunty ko phir
    khada karta hain.

    Bunty: "Master ji main tisri aankh haat ki badi wali ungli main lagaaoonga"

    Headmaster: " Kyon Bunty"

    Bunty: " Main usko aapki G*ND main deke ye dekhoonga kii kaun saa
    keedaa (insect) aapki G*ND main Bhatak raha hain jo saalaa har sawaal
    mujhe hi pooch rahe ho"
  15. nadish

    nadish Active Member

    really funny stories ............ :):):):):):)
  16. guitarangela

    guitarangela gran'ma

    good ones........i enjoyed them,very funny
  17. Mudit Malhotra

    Mudit Malhotra BLOODY FINGERED

    nice nicenicenice reps to u
  18. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    here is another nice one ...

    One day, little jonny asked his mom what s e x was.
    "Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.

    The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.

    Little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot.

    So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart,just like the doctor would.

    Except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath.

    His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

    About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow.

    It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

    When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.

    She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.

    All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again.

    Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.

    The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

    After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel!

    I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out.

    Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway!

    He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!Itjumped straight up and started to fight again.

    I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that.this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.

    After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"

    Little jonny's mom fainted
  19. akkyy21

    akkyy21 #%@!$&

    Little jonny in this ^^^ case would be real dumb!!
  20. dlogic

    dlogic Zuitarist

    The Unemployed Dog!!

    A saw an advertisment for a job....

    The position required three qualifications...
    1) You should how to type fast
    2) You should know how to write a computer program
    3) You should be bi- lingual

    So the do applies for the job and gets in for the interview
    interviewer says" i can keep you on the job cuz you dont know how to type"
    so the dog goes up to the type writter and fastly types a letter.
    the impressed interviewer says " i still can keep you cuz you dont know how to write a program"
    so the dog goes up to the computer....and writes the program and runs it efficiently.

    again the interviewer says " i still cant keep you cuz you are not bi lingual"

    so the dog says, "Meow!!!"

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