Shadows are playing hide and seek..

I love it! Keep up the gud work alwayz!

 

hi nimisha,
excellent poem and equally fantastic thoughts behind the creation.
i can feel the emotions you crafted with the words which is very essential for a writer.
a person who is reading your creation should emote as you emote while writing it,otherwise the purpose of writing goes futile.

you deserve a good round of applause.
hats off to you.


regards,
Souman

:beer:

 

@hardik.. im glad u took it positively..

@ujsen.. @pamposh..thanks..

@souman..:nw: :nw:
good comments from good friends like you..makes my poem look more good..
thanks..

 

quite heavy, i must say.....had u not written the explanation, i am not sure i would have understood it....(that is a compliment:grin: )
it is awesome!!!!really awesome...:nw::nw:..i just loved the concept!!!!
reps for you

 

hey uj.. thanks for the reps yaar...

n double thanks for the compliment..
yes this poem is impossible to understand without explaininng the concept

 

struggled a bit initially to understand the concept while reading...but all doubt were gone when i read the explanatn u gv at the end...The concept was beautiful....u suggested me somethng now
reps...if possible...

 

^^^thanks girl...
always expect some comments from you..

 

The words in bold are where I made a few changes without messing with the meaning (as much as possible). The red areas are what I think need a complete rework and are just not sounding nice.

Like everyone else has said, this line just doesn't work. You'll have to replace it.

I sorta thought the flow of the last two lines was better this way....and quivering sounds more apt than shaking.

simple spell check, nice verse.

This part, in my opinion, simply sucks. It sounds forced and is a word like null sounds very unpoetic when used this way...and the rhyming sounds corny.

The first three lines of this part can just be left out if you ask me. The second part has a nice idea which was badly expressed so you can surely pen it down better.

spell check, no big deal.

The last line becomes redundant. You're already talking about shadows stretching in the second line then why is the third line Shadows growing long? Either modify the 2nd line or change the 3rd. Your call.

Cut out the nil there. I think that should do it.




All in all, a lovely idea. One I've played with many times in my head. The execution was a bit haphazard. Your ability seemed to be fluctuating. I think it's a nice piece which could be great if you worked at it.

I'll give you reps since you asked.

 

bjr.. first of all...its great that u read this poem so carefully..n actually pointed out flaws in it..

not an excuse.. but.. wud like to say again that.. my english is not so good..
so when it comes to, expressing such a complicated theme..im helpless..

wish i cud have someone...to point out each flaws, so that i can actually correct it before posting..
but..........dont have any1...
so i post it anyways....and expect such replies eagerly...
now as u have pointed out... i cud really improve on it..

thanks..

n thanks for the reps too..


((((btw wasnt really expecting reply from you.. u left me stunned:shock: :shock: ..))))

 

haha, I know...that's why I wrote that in the reps. I don't critique often...rarely in the mood but will probably hang around this forum more often for the next few days.

Whatever you post here does not have to be perfect. If it had been perfect, you wouldn't have needed to post it anyway since the basic role this forum should ideally play is help people improve (though it does not more often than not). If you have something particular you want a critique on, feel free to PM me to ask for one since I usually prefer spamming the CC lounge.

 

utterly complex yet loud and transpicuous...

GOOD !!
reps (if i neednt spread more)

 

@bjr... sure.. i'll ask u if any help needed...

@vini..:nw: :nw: thanks.. late yet awaited reply...

.........................

 

send such poems to NCERT! atleast they can keep bachchus bz with some new syllabus in english than same old aged poems!

 

tera naam idea man hona chaahiye tha
an idea can change NCERT(No Complete Education without RaTtafication)

 

lol ..ok! ..dude why dun you write those funny poems as u did when u joined the site! i miss them!

 

yaar abhi life thaap hai
sab kuch tough hai
kismaat rough hai
to idea nahi aate na

aur dusaroon ki chepana ya jhooth bolana bhai ko aata nahi .....