Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by ~Bish, Jun 3, 2008.

  1. ~Bish

    ~Bish The Illusionist


    I was bleeding in the pouring rain
    trying hard not to cry
    every drop mixing with blood
    tearing the pain apart

    Something somewhere left hollow
    feelings were still there
    Neither too deep nor shallow
    inching slowly towards me

    It doesn't hurt any more
    I m too tired to feel it again
    Slowly making my way out
    Standing alone while I shout

    All emotions are gone
    It was too full and now bursted
    I am still strong like an iron
    With the only difference, I'm Rusted.

  2. ~Bish

    ~Bish The Illusionist

    Hey bhagwaan !! itna ganda poem likha kya no replies :( no suggestions also how 2 improve..
  3. abhishek999

    abhishek999 New Member


    tera bhi no reply mera bhi no reply.
    chal tera ek reply ho gaya.say thanx.
    waisa poem bura nahi hai,mera toh tujhse bhi bura hai.mera wala ek bar dhek liyo.
  4. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    You know the metaphor is obviously great..execution seems to lack intensity,but the mere concept seems to shout what you wanted to say.If you'd just been a bit more expressive,it'd work like a charm but it's good the way it is too.
  5. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    The first two lines remind me too much of living on a prayer for me to like this. Try being more original with metaphors. concepts can be the same.
  6. ~Bish

    ~Bish The Illusionist

    hmmmm.. thanx 4 ur feedback.. i too agree it was not so good intensity wise.. might be its too loud also.. but i really liked it somehow because the ending two lines came up well.. anyway will take care of all the points u mentioned and try to come up wid something better.. *cheers*

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