The traffic policeman stopped the car driver for crossing the traffic signal on a red. 'Didn't you see the red light?' Growled the policeman. 'Yes i did', replied the driver, 'But I didn't see you!'
Santa Singh at an interview: Question: What is Ford? Santa: Gaddi!!! Question: Good, what is Oxford? Santa: Bailgaddi!
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said,"Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her & continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." Lady : You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went upto her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking & talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied, "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" Lady : It's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. Lady : I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins). He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Lady : You promised you wouldn't laugh. He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper ........ I'm still one hole behind you."
Problem Solved. .. ******************** A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Zail Singh decided to appear for the MBA exam but he failed to understand Logic. One day when he was studying, Rajiv came to visit him. Rajiv: Zail Singhji, how is your MBA preparation going? Zail: Every thing is fine, except I cannot understand Logic. Rajiv: Logic is very easy. Zail: Can you give me an example? Rajiv: Okay. Do you have a fish pot in your house? Zail: Yes. Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it. Zail: Right. Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it. Zail nods his head in agreement. Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish. Zail: Yes. Rajiv: I guess your wife will be feeding the fish. Zail nods his head again. Rajiv: So, logically, you are married. Zail: Yes. Rajiv: So, that means you are a hetero***ual. Zail Singh felt elated that he understood Logic and thanked Rajiv. Next day he met Bhuta Singh who was also preparing for MBA. Zail: How is your MBA preparation going? Bhuta: Everything is fine except for Logic. Zail: Oh, Logic is easy. Bhuta: Please, give me an example. Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house? Bhuta: No, I don't. Zail: Saala homo! Zail Singh decided to appear for the MBA exam but he failed to understand Logic. One day when he was studying, Rajiv came to visit him. Rajiv: Zail Singhji, how is your MBA preparation going? Zail: Every thing is fine, except I cannot understand Logic. Rajiv: Logic is very easy. Zail: Can you give me an example? Rajiv: Okay. Do you have a fish pot in your house? Zail: Yes. Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it. Zail: Right. Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it. Zail nods his head in agreement. Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish. Zail: Yes. Rajiv: I guess your wife will be feeding the fish. Zail nods his head again. Rajiv: So, logically, you are married. Zail: Yes. Rajiv: So, that means you are a hetero***ual. Zail Singh felt elated that he understood Logic and thanked Rajiv. Next day he met Bhuta Singh who was also preparing for MBA. Zail: How is your MBA preparation going? Bhuta: Everything is fine except for Logic. Zail: Oh, Logic is easy. Bhuta: Please, give me an example. Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house? Bhuta: No, I don't. Zail: Saala homo!
Banta Singh got tired of being the butt of jokes and decided to do his PhD. Banta was looking out for a unique subject to write his thesis when he saw a cockroach. Banta placed the cockroach on the table and cut one of its leg. Then he said "WALK". The cockroach movesforward. Then Banta cut its second leg and Commanded "WALK".The cockroach manages to moves forward. Then Banta cut its third leg and Commanded "WALK".The cockroach manages to wriggle forward on oneleg. Finally Banta cut its fourth leg and said "WALK". The poor cockroach could not move and lay helplessly on the table. He repeats the same with over 1000 cockroaches. He finds that the results in all his experiments match. Banta is jubiliant, "NOW" says Banta "MY THESIS IS READY" and proceeds to write it. "WHEN YOU CUT FOUR LEGS OF A COCKROACH IT BECOMES DEAF" Banta Singh got tired of being the butt of jokes and decided to do his PhD. Banta was looking out for a unique subject to write his thesis when he saw a cockroach. Banta placed the cockroach on the table and cut one of its leg. Then he said "WALK". The cockroach movesforward. Then Banta cut its second leg and Commanded "WALK".The cockroach manages to moves forward. Then Banta cut its third leg and Commanded "WALK".The cockroach manages to wriggle forward on oneleg. Finally Banta cut its fourth leg and said "WALK". The poor cockroach could not move and lay helplessly on the table. He repeats the same with over 1000 cockroaches. He finds that the results in all his experiments match. Banta is jubiliant, "NOW" says Banta "MY THESIS IS READY" and proceeds to write it. "WHEN YOU CUT FOUR LEGS OF A COCKROACH IT BECOMES DEAF"
I guess the best so far... hot jokes ****************** Two Friends never planned to marry 'coz they heard much about the after marriage controversies between the partners. But due to internal pressure they both married. After a long time, one day both of them met and asked each other about their life and whether they married or not. Tensed both of them, first friend told the other" Yaar, kya bataoon, meri to raaton ki neend haram ho gayee. jab bhi bed room mein jaata hoon, meri biwi bolti hai- eh chal gear laga". The other much more tensed replied" Yeh to kuch bhi nahin, main to jab bhi bed room mein jaata hoon, meri biwi kehti hai" jaanu, ek litre petrol bharna."
Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women * Dogs love it when your friends come over. * Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. * Dogs think you sing great. * Dogs don't cry. * A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. * Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. * The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. * Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. * Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. * Dogs are excited by rough play. * Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. * Dogs love red meat. * Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. * Anyone can get a good-looking dog. * If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. * Dogs don't shop. * Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. * A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. * Dogs never need to examine the relationship. * A dog's parents never visit. * Dogs love long car trips. * Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. * Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. * Dogs like beer. * Dogs don't hate their bodies. * No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. * No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching *****hood. * Dogs never criticize. * Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. * Dogs never expect gifts. * It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. * Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had. * Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. * Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. * Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one. * You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day. * Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. * Dogs don't borrow your shirts. * Dogs never want foot-rubs. * Dogs can't talk. * Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. * Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Sardar and the lie detector ************************* An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
Santa and Banta now live in different cities. Once when Santa visits Banta's city he phones him and asks him to come see him at his hotel ... Room # 446. Banta is Excited and makes his way across town to see his long time friend. On reaching the Hotel all he can remember of the Room # is that it ends with a 46. He speaks to the Lobby Manager who tells him that were five floors in the Hotel and he could check them all for numbers ending with 46 (146,246,346 etc) Banta goes to the first floor-- room no.146 opens the door and sees that a couple are making love, he quickly shuts the door and runs to the second floor. He now goes to room no. 246 and opens the door -- he gets surprised to see two gays making love. He runs to the third floor now to room no. 346 and opens the door. As soon as he opens the door he gets very embarassed to see two women making love, so now he runs to the fourth floor. When he opens the door of room no. 446 he gets satisfied to see Santa sitting there who also looks very satisfied. Banta "Oye aj taan kamaal ho gaya" ?? Santa "kee hoya bhayee" ?? Banta "Oye main room no. bhul gaya see te main 146 ich gaya Uthhay He aur She lagay hoy see ... Udday baad main 246 gaya Uthhay He aur He lagay oye see ... Phir main 346 paunchya uthhay She aur She lagay oye see". Santa "Achha, chal changa oya toon panj minute pehlaan nahee aayaa". Banta "Kyoon"? Santa "Kyonke ... ithhay Me aur Me lagay hoye see".
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man", he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars". The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, 'Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?' She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, 'NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!' Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, 'I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.' To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN 200 DOLLARS?'
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
Golf in the Bedroom Rules of Play Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and two balls. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denied permission to play the course again. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play at this time. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course several times in one month.
little johnny special One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don't you?" "Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas." His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him." Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter: Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike. Your Friend, Johnny He thought about this and decided to start a new letter. Dear Jesus, Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike. He thought about this and decided to write another letter. Dear Jesus, I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike. He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one either. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and hurried home. He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter. Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike! Your Friend, Johnny --------------------- Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ...." The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me." The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband. "Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob." ----------------------- A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy says, "How old are you?" Johnny says, "Six." The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?" Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid. The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?" Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk." ----------------------------
