A man enters a Bar in Jalandhar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the gathering, "Hey, you want to hear a Sardarji joke?" The whole bar immediately falls absolutely silent.In a very deep,husky voice, the man next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,you should know five things..... 1 -- The bartender is a Sardarji. 2 -- The Security man outside is a Sardarji. 3 -- I'm a 6 feet tall,200-pound Sardarji with a black belt in karate. 4 -- The man sitting next to me is Sardarji and is a professional weight lfter. 5 -- The man to your right is a Sardarji and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously,Mister.Do you still want to tell that joke?" The man thinks for a second,shakes his head, and declares,"Nah...No, I'm not going to explain it five times..."
Sardar and the barber ******************** Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees , the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else" : : :
A Businessman's Fax to His Wife..."To my dear wife: You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary in the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight." When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining-room table: " My dear husband: I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would ! like to inform you that while you read this, I will be in the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation ... although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 into 18 .... And therefore I won't be back before lunchtime tomorrow
IT profiles of Gods.. ********************* IT Profile of Indian GODS: Brahma : Systems Installation Vishnu : Systems Support Lakshmi : Finance and Accounts consultant (SAP) Shiva : DBA (crash specialist) Ganesh : Documentation specialist Narada : Data Transfer Brihaspathi : Chief Information Officer. Yama : ReOrganisation Consultant ChitraGupta : Personnel Records Apsaras : Downloadable Viruses Devas : Y2k Programmers Surya : Solaris adminstrator Rakshasas : In house Hackers Ram : Hardware Support - single user specialist Lakshman : Support software and Backup Ravan : Internet Explorer - WWW Hanuman : RS6000 Vali : Windows 98 Sugreeva : Win 95 Angadh : Win 3.1 Jambhuvan : DOS Vishwamitra : Sr.Manager Projects Hastinapur : Silicon Valley Arjun : Lead Programmer (all Companies are Vying for him) Abhimanyu : Trainee Programmer Draupadi : Web server - free access (Shareware) Bhima : MAIN FRAME Duryodhan : Microsoft product written in VB Shakuni : Bill Gates Karna : Contract Programmer Shikandi : Steve Jobbs 100 Kauravas : Microsoft Service Packs and Patches. :rock: :nw: :rock:
Hottest Headlines for today * India wins Cricket World Cup match; 120 people die of shock * Bihar sold to Pakistan; Resulted In an unrelated incident Literacy soars up to 86% in India * Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of Family Planning. * Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians * Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst * India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games * Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software * Laloo to be made National Animal * Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commomerate 50 years of Independence. * Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a stick and some Pottasium Permanganate * Ray of hope for India as Ganguly (Skipper) retires * Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in Jail * Death penalty upheld for Attempted Suicide victim
A) Sardarji is buying a TV. Do you have color TVs? Sure. Give me a green one, please. (B) Sardarji calls Air India. How long does it take to fly to Amritsar? Just a sec, says the rep. Thank you, says the Sardarji and hangs up. (C) EMPLOYMENT.. Our Sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column ”Salary Expected” He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote: Yes (D) NOBODY THERE.. A girl friend tells sardarji: "come home evening, nobody there". But when he went her home evening, nobody was there. (E) A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, What is that shiny object? The clerk replies, That is a thermos flask. The sardar then asks, What does it do? The clerk responds, It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold. The sardar says, I'll take it! The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His sardar boss sees him and asks, What is that shiny object with you? He said, It's a thermos flask. The boss then says, What does it do? He replies, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. The boss said, Wow, what do you have in it? The sardar replies, Two cups of coffee and a coke. (F) A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Punjab, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai (G) What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ? He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !! (H) What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper? (he already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!! (I) Once there was a meeting of all the Surd (sardarji) freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, Oh we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it? That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied No problem! We’ll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed. All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied, OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ????? (J) Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. I would like to buy this small TV, he told the salesman. Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs, he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman I would like to buy this TV. Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars, Salesman replied. Damn, he recognized me, he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. I would like to buy this TV. Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars, he replied again. Frustrated, he exclaimed nahin dena hai mut de! magar yeh bol, how do you know I'm a Sardar? Because that's a microwave not TV, he replied. (K) Why did 18 sardarjis go together to an ***** movie? Because below 18 was not allowed. (L) How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence? Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear (M) What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. (N) How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday. (O) What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought. (P) Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday. (Q) Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe. (R) How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff. (S) What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel. (T) What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes? The back of his head. (U) What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!). (V) What do you call a sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh. (W) Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. X) Why does Sardar have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. (Y) How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. (Z) Why can't Sardar dial 911? They cannot find the eleven on the phone A-Z sardar jee jokes
I Bet This is The Best So far........ Definition on Kisses ******************************** Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing. Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips. Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart. Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts. Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria. Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction. Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic. Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned. Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply. Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36. Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old. Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all. Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects. hot jokes *********** An elephant to a naked man: "How do you drink water with that?"
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a London Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an London office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a London secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in London health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a London conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
1) outside a shop selling donkey rides in thailand - "do you want to ride your own ass" 2) outside a laundry shop i don't remember where - "drop your pants here for best results" 3) outside a curio shop - "we buy used items and sell antiques" 4) outside a bar, annoucing the speciality of the day - "special cocktail for the ladies with nuts" !!
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. SILENCE, THE FINAL FRONTIER: WHERE NO WOMAN HAS GONE BEFORE 2. THE UNDISCOVERED SIDE OF BANKING: MAKING DEPOSITS 3. PARTIES: GOING WITHOUT NEW OUTFITS 4. COMMUNICATION SKILLS (PART I) TEARS - THE LAST RESORT, NOT THE FIRST. 5. COMMUNICATION SKILLS II: THINKING BEFORE SPEAKING 6. COMMUNICATION SKILLS III: GETTING WHAT YOU WANT WITHOUT NAGGING 7. DRIVING A CAR SAFELY: A SKILL YOU CAN ACQUIRE 8. TELEPHONE SKILLS: HOW TO HANG UP 9. INTRODUCTION TO PARKING 10. ADVANCED PARKING: BACKING INTO A SPACE 11. COMPLIMENTS: ACCEPTING THEM GRACEFULLY 12. CLASSIC CLOTHING: WEARING OUTFITS YOU ALREADY HAVE 13. OIL AND GAS: YOUR CAR NEEDS BOTH 14. TV REMOTES: FOR MEN ONLY
another one One day, Pete complained to his friend,"My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it It only costs $10.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper, which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to! wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water,a stool sample from his dog,and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights,and printed out the following analysis: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter is gettin' screwed by three guys at the same time and having urinary infection. Put her on antibiotic and keep a track of her outings. 4. Your wife is pregnant . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. And bastard,....... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better !!!!!!!
