Raped....

I second that. This was way too predictable IMO.

 

explanation wiped bcoz of poor grammar

 

^ Care to post using proper grammar for once?

 

please make the corrections if u really CARE coz m not bothered... really

 

certainly dont agree with "BaD" poem or put forward wrongly....(read again)NO better way can this be written...wahts blunt should be presented blunt ..otherwise ur not wise enough to be an artist


and sachoo jaan tumne to kamaal kar diyaaaaa...*beer*

 

the theme is different
you can do better than this..
suggesting a feeling neccesarily doesnt make one feel it
since you've asked for grammatical correction
honestly, there is a thing called poetic freedom, sometimes poets use that as a recluse
but... adding dots inbetween just breaks the link for me
i've said this before please dont put the dots inbetween the lines
poetically it breaks the link
maybe your writing the poem as the thoughts flow
take a little more time, reconstruct the lines and connect them
its not neccessary you follow a certain rhyme scheme.... (i gotta follow that too)
if this was well expressed it would've made me go numb..
but i was lost between the lines..
not saying you ought to use some different words or "flowery" words as some people term them
to the point theme makes following it easier

i'd be happy if you try and redo the poem,
if you dont agree to what i say
Leave it!

 

I meant the grammar in YOUR post. Not in the extract or quote. And if youre not bothered, then quite a few people wont be bothered to read most of your posts, just because of that reason. I dont know if that bothers you.

 

As usual, it's a pleasure to read your thoughts, Madam ! I loved it !

tender touch.. turned fierce..
his dead eyes.... my soul got pierced..

I can't imagine a rapist with dead eyes...! Don't you think that fiery eyes will sound better ? I think that lust is a strong emotion...isn't it ?

Galti houi to maafi chaheinge...!

Amanush...

 

Well...wat i made out after reading the poem is... its not an usual rape story...but a rape done by someone who loved u...
And when someone who loves you does such a bastardly act... you neither can deny or stop anything.. but have to go through the mental agony!

Strong lines...

Rhyming...well, i never ever felt that each line in a poem should rhyme...
Few things need to be said in a different way!

All in all.. a good attempt...

@Everyone: Well... reading your comments... made me felt... you all have very liberal attitude towards rape!! :shock:
Time to update you all... Respect Women...
If you see LUST everywhere.... i am not impressed...


REgards,
Zooom..!!

 

Hey Nimi,
this is one of ur most powerful poem....i can really feel the deceit and trauma.

and hey, rape doesnt have to be physically $exual all the time....sometimes few people manage to rape away emotions too.

Nimi u r too gud....cheer up yaar!!

 

I actually think it's the other way around. It is because people feel so strongly about rape that they can't take weak poems made about the subject. Something so in-your-face(as cryptic_angel put it) just doesn't work somehow.

 

time to reply some questions..

why i wrote such poem?
the so called victim.. is so close to me.. this is happened with my dearest person.
everytime i see her in the pain whenever i meet her, makes me numb.
i was wondering if i cud make u all share my numbness.

reason for 'in your face' kind or blunt poem..
a raped girl will never write poem about her experience. u all must have heard
such descriptions by a third party but not directly from victim..
every word i wrote in poem was..pure translation of words directly coming from her
mouth..n just a small try to make it poetic.
and such a girl will never think in poetic terms..
i could have used thresaurus and made it 'poetic' but i preffered this real
bluntness

explaination wiped bcoz of poor grammar
im so sorry for that.. im trying to improve on my english. all corrections are always
welcome.

why do i use too much of dots in poetry? it breaks the link
actually i myself dont know answer for it.. but such dots in poem means.. there is
something more between the lines..unexpressed.. actually i like this style.. i never
thought this could break the link.

why 'dead eyes' n why not fierce..
as told earlier..its mere a translation..
i never wrote this poem to have praise, reps or any such things..
it was a simple try to share something.. without any adulteration..
.
.
.
.

@everyone who praised this attempt..
thanks for giving me confidence that this kind of poetry can create some
numbness in your heart.. atleast we all cud share some pain..

@everyone who crticised this attempt..
thanks for making me realise there are many places to improve at still..
(which i will try for sure). and the pain of such unfortunate event can not be catch
in words..

last thing to say.. please start respecting woman

 

So are you by any chance insinuating that I wont repect a woman if I have lust in my eyes?

Well if that be the case, I prefer to be a male who has no qualms admitting that he sees lust almost everywhere, rather than being a sissy wuss, who cannot admit (or doesnt like being that).
I also prefer to say that even though I see lust everywhere, I still respect women as a human being, thats it. No other special consideration.

All said n done, I, under no circumstance consider rape, or any other act of forcing your will on someone as a just action.


Besides, what exactly does this mean: "you all have very liberal attitude towards rape"?

 

In my opinion, you're failing to capture the basic horror of a rape. It's not about pretty words or complex ones. You really can't make me see the numbness with this. Perhaps you'd be better off writing it as a third person based on the way you feel. I'm sorry for sounding so dispassionate but I have to try and disconnect myself when I'm critiquing.

About the rhyming, when writing about such a serious thing, you have to be extra careful to not let it sound forced since that only makes it look corny. You don't have to rhyme if you're not getting the right words out.

Precisely why a third person view would have been better. I'm sure you'll also agree that someone would not be thinking of trauma in rhymes. The real bluntness would have been devoid of corny rhyming....your attempt is neither here nor there.

This statement is quite ridiculous. Please do not insult my intelligence. I understand that you might be going through an emotional battle at this stage with a good friend scarred for life but to say something like this is really not the way to heal.

 

I liked the poem a lot. offcourse one need'nt be a victim to write this. Wordsworth did'nt write 'yarrow unvisited' after visiting yarrow.
reps for u.

 

@sixstringsin.. so glad u replied here..

@bjr..
ur personal opinion bout the poem is appreciated..
but redoing the poem wil be injustice to it as those r pure words.. directly from the heart..
i agree.. someone else cud have done better.. im no 'wordsworth'
but if i can improve wit such a criticism.. may be i will..
thanks..

but dont agree with the last thing u said..
saying 'please respect woman' is not suppose to offend any1's intelligence..
i have no right to preach any1..

 

polly wants a cracker...

 

lol @ using thesaurus to make it 'poetic'

No one said anything about using big or flowery words. I think it was pretty clear what I meant, in my previous post.

And "please start respecting woman" was not really neede and even if it was, jst saying that won't change anything. Till now I haven't seen anyone showing disrespect to women on this thread (except maybe what Sachoo said about enjoying rape, but then, he said ur poem's good so it obviously wont bother u).

exactly.
___

 

huh... prejudices speaking all..:think:
and world is full of difference of opinions..

i repeat myself....

@everyone who praised this attempt..
thanks for giving me confidence that this kind of poetry can create some
numbness in your heart.. atleast we all cud share some pain..

@everyone who crticised this attempt..
thanks for making me realise there are many places to improve at still..
(which i will try for sure). and the pain of such unfortunate event can not be capture in words..

 

Iam not too bothered abt ur english or punctuation or dots or "blah blah".

U have managed to put your point across.

As far as smthng as bad as "Rape" is concerned, i think there are few nasty people who like to take out some fun out of such things.

For example....luk at my title(thxs to Dr Saurabh for changing it).