Progressive Metal !

Discussion in 'The ChitChat Lounge' started by ssslayer, Sep 19, 2005.

  1. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    i got this from a website (many websites actully so cant list em all here ;))

    The 101 Rules of Progressive Metal

    1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only
    progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.

    2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking
    musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

    3. Have contempt for mainstream music.

    4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics
    but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.

    5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking
    musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

    6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put
    on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.

    7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the
    grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of
    the mainstream sheep

    8. If he doesn`t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not
    being a true prog fan.

    9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn`t all bad.

    10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.

    11. If he hasn`t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal
    is NOT prog.

    12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved
    in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.

    13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him
    something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical
    expression and experimentalism in rock". In any case, make sure that the
    person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He
    wouldn`t have understood anyway.

    14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you
    write an album in the prog vein, you don't necessarily have to.

    15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking
    musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

    16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent
    people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre
    is mentioned.

    17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than
    pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.

    18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song
    under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the
    guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.

    19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers,
    tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk
    away defiantly.

    20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.

    21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden.
    Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.

    22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is
    not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music
    now, why would I go back?".

    23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.

    24. Often state that you don't only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.

    25. you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...

    26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.

    27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a
    cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures
    like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous
    with prog metal.

    28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog
    fans. Own no releases of these bands.

    29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.

    30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.

    31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.

    32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They`re not prog enough to
    get the music, what do they expect?

    33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive
    release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending
    sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.

    34. Make sure your bandname is either a

    -Silent Noise
    -Tender Harshness
    -Healing Gun

    b)Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.



    c)Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.

    -Eternal Twilight Tranquility(Can`t get much progger than that) -Redolent Arithmetic -Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated

    35. Don`t worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since
    90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore
    conventional English grammar and instead focus on what`s really
    important: The lyrics(see rule 36).

    36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.

    37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of
    the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog

    "I`m staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a
    nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"

    "Mornings` gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the
    sleeper ventriloquist"

    "A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the
    festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial

    38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo,
    regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes
    being prog.

    39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don`t
    worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom
    Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of
    your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really
    show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of
    scales on an instrument like that!

    40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".

    41. Change time signatures. Constantly.

    42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and
    not being a true progressive musician.

    43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to
    convince you're wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him
    that his tone is thin and buzzy.

    44. State that Metallica can't properly tweak the boogies. They're so...

    45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out
    playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking **** about punk
    bands and how people don`t understand your music.

    46. Play a ****ty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle
    of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are
    both good choices, as is Erotomania.

    47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges;
    hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that
    boring pop band win?

    48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the
    most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament
    to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet
    community you happen to frequent.

    49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy,
    proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.
  2. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in
    rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a)
    your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday,
    b)you don`t need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good
    enough c) you don`t know anything about computers(even though you sit by
    one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your

    51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.

    52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy
    FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch
    of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.

    53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means
    every time their name is mentioned.

    54. Don't be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.

    55. Do not move on stage. Don`t under any circumstances forget that
    nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.

    56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple
    named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the

    57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking
    musical inteli...Yeah, you`ve got it now, haven`t you?

    58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner
    Turbulence ruled."

    59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog
    metal drummer. If they still insist, don`t kill them, but rather put on
    the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993`s "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still
    today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.

    60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.

    61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece
    with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don't belong on stage. A 5-piece single
    bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that's on the edges of bare
    bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!

    62. No, 6 toms is not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!

    63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for
    years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will
    be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to
    blame a producer or record company.

    64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn`t more popular if it is so
    darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream
    peoples heads".

    65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos
    for their immense talent.

    66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many
    religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.

    67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music,
    except lower forms of music like pop, rock `n roll, blues, techno,
    trance, rap.

    68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.

    69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>> plays it,
    you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers
    you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!

    70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I`m
    talking about)

    71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing.
    Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show
    off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god's sake.

    72. Get a dog.

    73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that
    other prog fans recognize your immense talent.

    74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop
    rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.

    75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of
    APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.

    76. What do you mean, you haven`t trigged your bassdrum?

    77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive,
    best example would be Pink Floyd.

    78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you
    prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.

    79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the
    recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song
    properly at least once.

    80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic
    computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is
    illustrated by Travis Smith.

    81. Write epics.

    82. In case you didn`t know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning
    a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional
    city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.

    83. Have racks with loads of equipment.

    84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don`t
    display them?

    85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented
    on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.

    86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell
    him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"

    87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan
    arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having
    heard every lick you are able to play.

    88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.

    89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is
    intelligent music for intelligent people.

    90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.

    91. BOOOM!!!

    92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.

    93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit
    yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.

    94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.

    95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.

    96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the
    benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and
    Words, the more progressive it is.

    97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness.
    This is not optional.

    98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of
    pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.

    99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike
    Portnoy on drums.

    100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.

    101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been
    practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For
  3. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    guess ALL of em are true :grin:
    ronnieanand likes this.
  4. shsnawada

    shsnawada Cyborgs & Pasta

    70% of these things apply to me. Good stuff.
  5. cYpHeR

    cYpHeR Banned

    lol....i confess i went thru juss da 1st post........

    neway i juss recalled we had a progressive rock thread in music talk and smone classified Tool ad progressive :think:
  6. ronnieanand

    ronnieanand n00bier th@n th0u

    Ssslayer. Reps to you. I am seriously sick of these progressive music guys. Progressive was done much better by the guys like Uriah Heep or Jethro Tull. It had some melody in it. Some some bloody ****ty mathematics. It's music not maths :).
  7. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    ronnie ... u are absolute right on target ....

  8. ronnieanand

    ronnieanand n00bier th@n th0u

    When I show them a Clapton solo, they comment it's easy to play. Playing the notes is not a big deal, play with the feel of clapton is the deal. None of these suckers could do that. When I talk about Clapton, I hear comments like Malmsteen plays faster :mad: . I just feel like calling them illiterates or rather I should call them Zombies. No life, no heart, no brain, just walking talking guitar shredding zombies.
  9. cYpHeR

    cYpHeR Banned

    ^whoa another frustration outlet....

    actually i agree wid u on dis one....i suk wid guitars but i can say playin faster is easier than playing stuff wid melody....there r ppl who wen asked bout their fav guitar solo refer to eruption--van halen.....dat was a good solo but lacks melodic touches
  10. nik_bokacheley

    nik_bokacheley :help: I'm a mad :sadbye:

    I confess I didn't read any of the points..:eek::
  11. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    yeah ...
    n then u see even malmsteen etc admit that 1 BBKing note per second is better than 1000 malmsteen notes per second ...

    actaully the ppl are not to be blamed ... u see everything around u is measured on quantitiative music ... so ppl naturally do the same thing to music ... failing to realise .. taht music is not maths ...
  12. ronnieanand

    ronnieanand n00bier th@n th0u

    One small note about Eruption. That was Eddie Van Halen's practice lick. If you hear it combines good left hand and right hand exercises and some good tremelo things. It was not meant to a solo or anything. The producer heard Van Halen warm up with and insisted that they record it for the album. So dont compare it for a melodic solo. Eddie can make excellent melody too. Check out his second solo on Dreams. It's like a solo straight from God. I dont think anybody can make a better solo than that.

    Moreoever Eddie Van Halen is a stylistic innovator. All the bunch of idiots that followed are only copy cats. Practised those licks over and over again and play it faster than Van Halen and claim to be better guitarists.

    I respect innovators. It's much easier to be simply being proficient than being an innovator. A lot of guys can do all techniques like Fast picking, legato, sweep picking and whatever but how many can really be an innovator that the next few generations will follow. It doesn't require great skills but requires something really special secret component. That's exactly what Kurt Cobain had. I am no fan of Nirvana but I seriously respect that guy. I rate him any day higher than Vai or Satriani or Petrucci or guys like that. He did what all these guys couldn't do together as G3 too. This is just my opinion again, so dont start on a debate as who is a better guitarist.
  13. cYpHeR

    cYpHeR Banned

    ^ grudges against Eddie....he was a brilliant guiatrist.....eruption was juss an example....

    peace :beer:
  14. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    Eddie Van Halen Suxxx
    Kurt Cobain Suxxx
    Jimi HEndrix Suxxx
    Eric Clapton Suxxx
    Ritchie Blackmore Suxxx
    Toni Iomii Suxxx

    G3 Ownzzz
    Petrucci n clones Own ...
  15. cYpHeR

    cYpHeR Banned

    u forgot...Alex Scolnick suxxx too
  16. ronnieanand

    ronnieanand n00bier th@n th0u

    Ssslayer knows all of my favourite guitarists :)

    I suck too .. :beer:

    Ssslayer own or rents or hires or whatever :rock:
  17. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    LOL ...




    actually i was sarcastic ... tho i respect those fellers (Petrucci etc) but still i kinda feel that theirs is kinda superficial ...

    anyway i can always listen to Mozart Paganini Bethoven Bach etc ... if i wanna listen to that kinda music ...
  18. ronnieanand

    ronnieanand n00bier th@n th0u

    Original Suxxxxx

    Duplicate Maal rulzzzz

    Adidas suxxx Adibas rulzz
    Reebok suxxx Rebuke rulzzz

    Gibson suxxx Givson rulzzz
    Fender suxxx Fendar rulzzz
    Ibanez suxxx Ebanex rulxxx
    Yamaha suxxx Yemaha rulzzz
  19. ssslayer

    ssslayer Banned

    yeah yeah yeah

    u got it dude ,...

    u own ... :grin:

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