Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by astroguru26, Mar 8, 2006.

  1. astroguru26

    astroguru26 New Member

    bomb ripped through the market
    saw bodies flying high...
    burnt and charred beyond idenitification..
    beauty goes into oblivion in few seconds
    scars forever in the mind....

    standing in a moment of complete eerie
    after the deafening sound
    looked for the lucky ones..
    survivors crying for the loved ones
    passers-by running for water to extinguish the fire
    pedesterian running for hospital with severe burns on its own..

    me too..
    survived the doomsday with blood on face
    walking through dead bodies
    searching my toddler..just three years old
    crying on top of voice to help me...plz

    i got one ..finally
    cannot identify in the darkness
    took her in lap and waited in sideways

    thanking god for letting her see again..

    suddenly one survivor brought
    one baby not taking breath....
    eyes open and blood oozing out
    pronounced dead
    i saw mine holding in my lap
    then to that baby....

    i can idenitify that was mine...
    by the pendant hanging of my wife's name...

    i became poor emotionally
    once again...

    without wife and baby...

    nimisha likes this.
  2. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    though the expression was carved the right way but ....kuc missing tha.....
    and for the thought....THESE terrorists r digging thir grave by putting bomb in temples.....i think they didnt had a look at history, this civilisation of ours retialiate's only if touched here...mrenge saale...bajarang-bali ki jai :)
  3. nimisha

    nimisha .:Forum Leader:.

    u keep ur reputation going well...

    sad things..
    well expressed...
    good concepts...
    n turning points at the ends...
    .........................................love your style..
  4. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member

    yes nimisha, i concur*,
    all well said, but the poem is not justified with the title.
    i mean, the title doesnt indicate or reveal anything of the poem.
    am i wrong in asking this..??
    ..seriously not trying to be humble but bit eager to know of the poem being titled as such.

    as for the poem, as usual...HATS OFF for your concept((s) even previous were nothing less!!!)
    mind blowing thoughts....unusual pattern of poetry...

    * copied from one previous post in another thread...i guess no copyrights...:eek:: jus using a new word learnt;)
  5. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    Nice theme AS ALWAYS.

    Am not really a fan of your 'style' though.

    Doesn't do justice to the themes you choose IMO.
  6. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    Alright, let's see now, since i liked your theme, i'm going to give you a split analysis.
    a)First up, what's with the title bro? I dont think it relates at all to the poem, i know you were trying to come up with a "sting in the tail" twist, but you fail to achieve it using the title.
    b)The theme, here's where i give kudos to you, you obviously think quite a bit to come up with your themes, well, that's good.
    c)The poem itself. First up, your grammar is all over the place, i can understand free style poetry, but you stretched the liberties a bit too far than one can handle. Also tying into this is the problem that your sentences dont flow into each other, it looks like a forced story narration from a prisoner being tortured. And it never follows a certain rubric, that was a let down as well.
    All in all, the theme was good, but you need to work a LOT on actually expressing your thoughts using words.
  7. Sanjay Mazumder

    Sanjay Mazumder ~..::MASTERMIND::..~

    I think disturbed is rite.

    Well Rohit, I liked ur thots.
  8. nimisha

    nimisha .:Forum Leader:.

    i think that explains.... why poem is named.... poverty
  9. astroguru26

    astroguru26 New Member

    thanks for giving time to read and encourage me though your constructive criticism........

    i like your comments.......

  10. astroguru26

    astroguru26 New Member

    sadistic approach of poetry doesnot create ripples....even though i am addicted to that some extent of my style....

    while writing cosy themes..i go overboard and bored too.....

    justice....is the big word......and noone can be satsified ..i feel..there will be something always balance......

  11. astroguru26

    astroguru26 New Member

    hope nimishaa's comment given you the idea of what i want to express......
    you liked my themes enough for me......thats the success..

  12. UjSen

    UjSen *#!EVIL*!!

    I like ur title..............caude it doesn't have anything MUCH to do wid the poem.
  13. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    err.. what? sorry, didnt get what you meant to say...
  14. astroguru26

    astroguru26 New Member

    sooner or later everything is funny and forgotten.....

    the approach of themes is sadistic...as far as i know and justice to the themes is better judged by readers even something is balanced....after then..

    good to see your comments...........

  15. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    ^how is it sadistic? you like to see people suffer?
    And where did 'funny' come from?

    Whatever I ask, I do 'coz I'm genuinely curious.
  16. astroguru26

    astroguru26 New Member

    suffering in poetry is theme..i am watching it as i am sufferer too here..

    as fas as funny is related...look for those incidents made you crazy when it happned and aches you too much..and with time..u seem to have forgotten all.........if not let the age pass.....then my words will have some meanings for you.....

  17. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    ^then 'sadistic' is definitely not the right word.

    And funny also doesn't fit. Even if something's long gone and forgotten, I wouldn't laugh at such a serious matter.

    However, I got what you meant to say, so I guess it doesn't matter which words you used.
  18. astroguru26

    astroguru26 New Member

    let me eat my words and you continue smiling as ever......

  19. d_ist_urb_ed

    d_ist_urb_ed Genuflect b*tches!

    Just one line, and most of the poem wasnt about poverty, it was about an emotionally destructive incident, in my humble opinion it isnt nearly appropriate.
    @astroguru, always bro, let me remind you, i WANT you to keep writing, i just want you to improve in certain areas, remember that.
  20. BubblyMartini

    BubblyMartini !!!HAWM

    i liked the theme,
    reminded me of the Black Friday opening scene
    which was superb..

    coming to the poem..
    the expression of feelings or emotions whatever one may term them as, was very subtle i felt...
    if one wanted that person could've made it as gory as possible
    But you being the poet,you've got your poetic freedom...
    and maybe thats the way you like it..

    its nice when people have variations in their poems
    and can write on different themes..

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