A long poem...hope it doesn't bore every1...please comment b'coz I know this isn't a perfect one... (lines in brackets can be skipped) Take the pains of reading it all the way.. Platform no.11 He's sitting by himself, wishing he was somewhere else, Eventhough he knows, Marriages forbid such tales. He loves someone else now, Its obvious to him, His wife had become a nightmare, And his mistress,a wet dream. So he abused his wife, She was being hurt and cursed, And eventhough she was never wrong, things just got worst, His mistress tricked him, and he couldn't bear the pain. She said she didn't want to ruin a good home. This fool he blames his wife, Not getting his mistress' wisdom. Now he's planning to take her, On a so called vacation, Planning to torture her more, For her,it'll be like knocking on hells door. B'coz he just want to break her, with his own frustration. He thought she was stupid, she knew nothing at all, When he saw her pack her bag, She said,"Darling,I forgive you for all." He said he'd meet her, after work at the railway station, They'd leave from there, For a so called vacation. But its been passed 2 hours, and he's still alone, With an enlightment that has grown. "Darling,I forgive you for all", Now he knows what she meant, When she said that back then, Sunk in a pool of guilt, He sits by himself on platform 11. Wondering if he should sit or Should he leap, As he sees the blinding light Of an aproaching train, This fool who waits on platform 11.
i can bet thats "the " original from ya side....good theme...well too different from all the others which have been written on this forum for a while.. will rep u ASAP.
reading the 1st para i thought it would be a funny poem, but then it suddenly changed to a serious one... was not in a mood to read such along poem but once started couldn't help finishing it.. as said before its one of a kind on this forum... my 1st reps on IGT coming your way.....
I'm coming to this section after ages and this is really refreshing to see. It was different from most pieces on this theme. You didn't get over dramatic which is really good and difficult to do. Most of us tend to try and force emotion into it and end up sounding corny. Platform no.11 He's sitting by himself, wishing he was somewhere else, Eventhough he knows, Marriages forbid such tales. Marriages forbid such tales....it's a really nice line and sounds even better when preceded by 2 simple lines like this one was. Hits powerfully. It's a good start. He loves someone else now, Its obvious to him, His wife had become a nightmare, And his mistress,a wet dream. eugh, I wouldn't have chosen "wet dream" here but again, it expresses what you want to say quite beautifully. Nice again. So he abused his wife, She was being hurt and cursed, And eventhough she was never wrong, things just got worst, Gramatically, it should be worse. I didn't like this verse much...it didn't say enough and what it said, it didn't say very well. His mistress tricked him, and he couldn't bear the pain. She said she didn't want to ruin a good home. This fool he blames his wife, Not getting his mistress' wisdom. Once again, really nice. Your ending lines have been really good throughout and I love the way you express in them. Now he's planning to take her, On a so called vacation, Planning to torture her more, For her,it'll be like knocking on hells door. B'coz he just want to break her, with his own frustration. meh, okay...it adds nicely to the poem and builds up for a climax so I suppose its okay. He thought she was stupid, she knew nothing at all, When he saw her pack her bag, She said,"Darling,I forgive you for all." Once again, the last line is the key but the rest of the verse is mediocre at best. Not really in synch with the general quality. He said he'd meet her, after work at the railway station, They'd leave from there, For a so called vacation. But its been passed 2 hours, and he's still alone, With an enlightment that has grown. Really nice again. Nothing to bitch about. "Darling,I forgive you for all", Now he knows what she meant, When she said that back then, Sunk in a pool of guilt, He sits by himself on platform 11. Wondering if he should sit or Should he leap, As he sees the blinding light Of an aproaching train, This fool who waits on platform 11. Beautiful, mate. Hits hard really. All in all, I loved it and think you've really improved since I last read your poems. Well done.
@born2tab....thanx man..yep its original all the way and thanx for reading this one... @2good4you... 1) "1st reps"...I'm honoured. 2) Seriously thank you for reading this long poem.I was worried ppl will be thinking its a waste of time and skip some stanzas which then just makes the poem all so meaningless..ty. @Hira (Don't mind if I don't use #,@ symbols while replying?)...thank you for just replying to most of my works..and "you DO rite really well" doesn't mean you were lying the rest of the times right?Keep replying (or just lying) to the rest of the many more to come...
@bjr...First of all let me just say thanx a heap for that detailed analysis...goes to show the pains you took to appreciate the poem..I haven't really seen many users who give such a good (/huge) reply.For once I know that some1 actually read the poem and not just glimpsed at it...For that sole reason all I can do is "reps" which in no way shows my gratitude... (the rest of this thread can be skiiped since it is just a sort of "poets defense to criticism) [eugh, I wouldn't have chosen "wet dream" here but again, it expresses what you want to say quite beautifully. Nice again.] Ahh you got that...no need to defend myself... [Gramatically, it should be worse. I didn't like this verse much...it didn't say enough and what it said, it didn't say very well.] It didn't say enough.You're right. [meh, okay...it adds nicely to the poem and builds up for a climax so I suppose its okay.] Yep,you see I just wanted to clarify that this "vacation" was not going to be good.. [Once again, the last line is the key but the rest of the verse is mediocre at best. Not really in synch with the general quality.] Honestly the key was "she packs her bag"...I wanted to specify she was planning to go somewhere else.... With no idea if you'll be reading this again...thank you and reps for a great appreciation..
Yes, I tend to read threads where I've posted. I don't take your reply as defense because it wasn't. I enjoy reading poetry but somehow it's a mood thing so I'm here off and on.
lying? come on man.. u seriously do rite well and the day u mess up a poem trust me i'll be the first one to tell u! hehe so prepare urself... uptill now i have seriously njoyed reading ur work! KEEP IT UP!
^^was that for me?Sorry I didn't get that... For the previous reply: [Yes, I tend to read threads where I've posted. I don't take your reply as defense because it wasn't. I enjoy reading poetry but somehow it's a mood thing so I'm here off and on.] Its good that its a "mood thing"...probably why you're replies (whenever they come) are truly detailed...but don't make it seasonal...
