Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by i'm_not_neo, Feb 27, 2008.

  1. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    I always wanted to write a poem in this manner though not on this theme.I thought I'd experiment with a different theme first and then write the one I had in my mind.Anyway,this is Perspective :


    If her chirps could be heard
    they'd be an agonized plea
    a haunting scream to be set free
    from these bars that confine her home
    to the size of her owner's heart.

    If her chirps could be heard
    they'd tell how she longed for
    the blue endless sky,
    how she'd soar up into the heavens
    and beyond the horizon she'd fly..

    But alas!the dreams only torture her
    for every time she looks out
    Her flight is pinned down to reality
    as she sees the bars that confine her home,
    to the size of her owner's heart.

    So unfair is life to this little bird..
    if only her chirps could be heard..

    If only he could be understood
    he'd tell the truth
    to this naive little bird
    who knows nothing of this world uncouth.

    If only he could be understood
    he'd express his sympathy
    how he longed for her happiness
    but couldn't set her free.

    But alas!He knows better
    what freedom means to her..
    it's her purpose of existence,
    so he opens the door..

    So unfair was the bird
    to a man who loved her the most,
    In him she found cruelty
    but not the good....
    If only this man could be understood.
  2. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    I think it's well written but I still don't like it. The perspective idea is nice if a little unoriginal....perhaps if you want this theme, you can add yet another perspective. One perspective that I always find fascinating is a photograph. You know how they have moving pictures in harry potter. Perhaps you could write on 3 perspectives: the photograph the way it looks to a 3rd person viewing it, the individual perspectives of 2 people whose picture it is....also if you're gonna make it long, the person taking the picture even

    I wrote something once about a photo being a frozen moment of happiness. It never got going though :'(
  3. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Would have to agree with you on many points.'Perspective' is definitely unoriginal..and adding more than 2 would make it really more about perspective rather than just mere justification.
    This one,I wrote,for I had read many poems on the 'Caged Bird' theme and never read a theme that could justify the imprisonment.I just wanted 2 sides to this one :(
    I was thinking of writing in a manner that you described.The tricky part is writing as a 3rd person...that forces you to keep the theme (pertaining to his/her perception) superficial and not delve much into any emotion in particular (since it could justify either of the other perspectives)..a sort of balanced poetic overview.
    Your 'photograph' concept is really challenging.Unfortunately,I could never write on someone else's idea.Maybe you should give it a shot.

    I already have another theme in mind....but nothing I write seems to justify it.So I tried to write something else that would have the same structure but a different theme.

    Thanks for reading and more importantly,replying.
  4. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    Somehow I can relate to not being able to do justice to the concept. That's why mine remains unwritten.

    I'll look forward to your next one though.
  5. #iR@


    hmmmmmm....hmm...hmmmmmmmmmmmm.... ok another hmmmmm... ok enough of the drama... umm i think its a VERY well ritten poem and i actually liked the way it was ritten... i can see dat every word dat u have used in this poem has a very deep thought behind it BUT i think "I AM" not xactly able to get wat u said... i mean wat i got from this poem was the NATURE of both the genders... maybe a justification as well from the male gender... not too sure... but i think for the first time i mean in ur poem... i think the thought wat i think U PORTRAYED was wayyyyyyyyyy too hi-fi for me to understand completely... otherwise what "i" understood from the poem i mean the meaning (even if its not wat u wanted to say) is something dat i havent read before in a "poem" soo i liked it... but DO explain wat u meant awright?
  6. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Haha..hi-fi it isn' probably found the theme to be too obvious and hence thought there might be a deeper meaning to it..though it is definitely NOT a justification of the male gender..

    Here is what I INTENDED to achieve:

    Ok,so the point was perspective..sort of like knowing both sides of the story before judging either.If read separately,part 1 would make the man seem cruel (and you pity the bird) while part 2 would make the bird seem cruel (and you pity the man).
    The part 2 was made to just add a different point of view to the same incident in a hope that it would change the opinions created in part 1.

    The point being how the so-called victim changes with the way you look at it..and about how both were actually victims in their own sense.

    Thanks for reading though!And I appreciate the honesty :)
  7. Petunia

    Petunia terminally dorky

    hey you,

    first of all i wanna congratulate you on doing a pretty damn good job on sticking on track and being able to tie the two perspectives together; i think for a first shot like this, a two perspective-scenario was perfect.. if you feel like a challenge, then yea, the third person would definitely be a start..
    and i think that youve got the potential to make it work.

    however, here's the difference in opinion in regards to the level of difficulty..
    if your third perspective comes in from a farther place or paints a bigger picture.. then there should be no need to dwell on emotions. Emotions exist on a more personal level and deal with ideas that are closer to home. the first two perspectives should be emotional and should contain a much more deeper sensual feeling. the third however, is a broader more realistic picture. you can make it from anyone's point of view. which also makes it easier to avoid picking a side. that make sense?

    And yes, these theme of caged birds is very symbolic and very cliche in the world of literature. i couldnt help but think of "i know why the caged birds sing" by maya angelou. amazing book.

    good work. and keep the rest coming :)
  8. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    totally agree with petunia on the 3rd perspective.
  9. Petunia

    Petunia terminally dorky

  10. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Thank you!!!!!Though you'd be a new name for me in the poetry section,I'm really glad you liked it and commented on(better: appreciated!)this really means a lot.

    It does.But I meant that it's difficult to write a third perspective when the other two contradict each other completely.
    Writing on a clear mindset is perhaps if I were to write on a terrorist act,the viewer's perspective would be that of shock and sympathy,the victim's would be of grief.If I wrote the terrorist's perspective,you can see how the poem would still be about the victim.
    Now this was too extreme an example but I hope you got what I wanted to say.
    But yes 3rd perspective would be very interesting to write in a scenario where the other 2 don't completely contradict each other.And I'll definitely try to write that.

    A cliche indeed..but the theme still works.I'll read the book as soon as I finish the one I'm reading.

    Again,thank you!!!Looking forward to your comments!:)
  11. Petunia

    Petunia terminally dorky

    ^^ well, although im one to write my thoughts out and express them verbally im not one to share..being my personal ideas and rebellious views.. i like to keep them to myself. you might find one or two :shy: on here.. dont try to hunt them down.

    i can see where you come from when you bring up the example of the terrorist and victims.. however, if you look at the poem in its entirety from a third perspective then it shouldnt be so difficult. picture this:
    setting: a soccer game
    third perspective: a spectator in the audience and his views about two specific players... playing on defense or whatever
    second perspective: player 1 (who's got the ball)
    first perspective: player 2 (who wants the ball)

    that was prolly an example that just made everything worse.. but it seems to make sense to me... however, give it time.. and bring out all your thoughts on paper and narrow them down from there.. and im sure you'll fine. :)
  12. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto,it didn't.Actually I'm glad you chose that one since it has two people with exactly opposite agendas.All this while I was imagining writing on an event that has occurred rather than writing on one taking place.Your idea offers uncertainty (wrt to the end of the match) and hence obviously the spectator's opinion would be unbiased.
    I'll definitely try to..did make a few attempts already but none seem to stand out as such.

    Thanks for all your help though..appreciate it.:)
  13. Petunia

    Petunia terminally dorky

    ^^ for sure.
    keep us all posted.
  14. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    hmm ...prespectives ...good effort !

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