Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by ~Bish, Jun 18, 2008.

  1. ~Bish

    ~Bish The Illusionist


    ur kiss is melting
    the chocolate in my mouth
    ur tongue sweep for tiny pieces
    entangled between my teeth

    my teeth try to bite yours
    my tongue wants to throw the
    intruder out which is bent upon
    stealing the sweetness

    traitor like those crevices
    open up letting you rob
    each single molecule of
    those aching flavors

    i am left with tasting it
    from yours, tongues
    enmeshed fighting for
    a bigger share

  2. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    sticking your tongue down someone's throat is not pleasant imagery.

    Something like that should have a lot more passion in it.
  3. ~Bish

    ~Bish The Illusionist

    hehe... i guess u took ur imaginations one step ahead of my poem.. tongue is not down someone's throat... infact scientifically it can't be until its a snake's tongue.. jokes apart.. there is passion in the poem.. but i think u just need the correct perspective to see it :)
  4. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    no problemo dude. its just an opinion. feel free to disregard it.


    u cud remove that molecule word..
    ''my teeth tryin to bite urs''..is it tongue?
    biting others tongue with teeth ..ouch ..she went away...date over..
  6. ~Bish

    ~Bish The Illusionist

    my teeth is trying to bite her lips.. ya the poem is kind of wild love making..
  7. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Knowing I can be honest with your poems,I'd say this poem lacks finesse.I mean in your description of a kiss,the first 2 stanzas are quite a turn-off (in terms of depiction I mean..not the idea).I can see through it,and can imagine the actual potential you intended to show but I wish you'd rewrite this one and make it seem passionate.

Share This Page