ocean of sorrow

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by sukrut, Jan 10, 2008.

  1. sukrut

    sukrut God Guitarist

    ok guys.. here's my first post in this forum...read all ur poems and thought if u'll could do it so could i...........

    so here's my first poem....a short one.....written by me..........

    Ocean of sorrow

    Life's so sad
    Without a person called dad;

    People ask me "Where does your dad work?"
    A pang of disappointment in my heart lurks,
    In applications form too "Father's Profession:_____"
    Its become their bloody obsession!

    When I look up through my window,
    I can see him hanging like a jumbo;
    He talks to me in a voice I dont know,
    But through my head; it seems to flow.

    They say everything has a reason,
    But this is treason!
    Oh! Why did it have to be you?
    It is out of you that I grew.

    Oh! How I wish you were here!
    We were so close and near,
    Yet now so far,
    Like milk and tar!
     
  2. sukrut

    sukrut God Guitarist

    any replies guys??????
     
  3. maxeffect

    maxeffect New Member

    Well, gud start dude....... liked d flow
    But didnt get dat suspense,
    "father's profession?" & "I can see him hanging like a jumbo" wat relation...

    well if i m not wrong, the author is remembering his deceased father... (srry, if wrong, bt dats wat d last para said), and in 2nd last he is cursing his dad, .... bt wat does all dis has to do with profession...
    m confused, wud ya like 2 explain
     
  4. ReBoRn

    ReBoRn New Member

    We were so close and near,
    Yet now so far,
    Like milk and tar!

    ^ that was completely unnecessary ..
    In applications form too "Father's Profession:_____"
    ^ Bwahhaahhahaha ..you are linking a ballad and amateur jokes ..
     
  5. sukrut

    sukrut God Guitarist

    @maxeffect.....thanx dude......well........the profession part is supposed to mean that the poet fells sad when he fills out forms........the jumbo part cuz he loves him very much..........its out of love that he calls him jumbo........

    and in the 2nd last para he's cursin god.....not his dad......





    @ReBorn...... the last para is quite ok............milk here is heaven and tar is dirty earth..........




    overall i thimk the profession part was out of order......well i'll improve then.........


    thanx for ur replies guys......::):



    anyone else????
     
  6. sukrut

    sukrut God Guitarist

    are there any other ppl in this forum???

    cuz if they are....they certainly dont care to reply!!!

    reply guys!!!please!!!!!


    cheers
    :beer:
     
  7. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    I don't know...the entire poem could be summed up in the first 2 lines.The rest seemed elaboration.I know its your first post,but still,the rhymes were not effective.In your obsession to rhyme every word you seemed to ignore the depth of the poem.Forget rhymes,they don't make a poem.Or choose a simpler one like ABCA scheme.Could've been way better.I liked WHAT you said,just not HOW you said it.
     
  8. sukrut

    sukrut God Guitarist

    ^good one.........totally got you...will employ the simple abca rhyme or something........
    i just always thought that poems are supposed to rhyme....always...

    well........guess i was wrong..........

    thanx.........


    cheers
    :beer:
     

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