My poem was dying...

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by nimisha, Jan 3, 2006.

  1. nimisha

    nimisha .:Forum Leader:.

    hope you guys would appreciate this....

    My poem was dying....

    Last breath it was sighing
    my poem was dying...

    many questions were haunting...
    like shadows from the crypt
    illusions were taunting...
    and devilish thoughts that could drift

    meaning was missing somewhere...
    words were hissing in betrayl...

    truth was hidden
    god knows why....reality forbidden....

    logic was molested
    reasons were murdered....
    dreams were destroyed....
    dementia encroached on corrupted mind..

    retardation of thinking power..
    all answers left undercover......

    imagination started blurring..
    and emotions endlessly slurring...
    speech became mute..
    demolition of words was so acute...
    rhythm helplessly crying..
    My poem was dying....

    plz people....
    now i require some criticism.......
  2. alpha1

    alpha1 I BLUES!

    I'll tell ya about the poem as soon as I get to know your age.
    Yeah it is linked.

    Besides, I like your avatar. From where did you get it?
  3. vini

    vini Repeat Offender far as i could make out...what ur poem says to me is that now ur poetic knacks' forsaking you.

    But it isnt so yet
  4. esgallindeion

    esgallindeion Minstrel Knight

    Its a nice attempt. But I get the feeling you took it slow at the beginning and rushed towards the end, or didn't edit the end (whichever way you work), since the ending is a bit abrupt. Apart from that, unless you have a melody to this, the line "dementia... " hurt the meter (which doesn't really matter i suppose, but just letting you know). And I really liked your 2nd stanza ("many questions..."). Keep it up.
  5. nimisha

    nimisha .:Forum Leader:.

    @vini... im glad..u cud decepher the meaning exactly... really not sure of my skills in english.

    @ esgallindeion....
    that was so nice of you too go through my poem completely..n then meticulously pointing out flaws n good part in it.. ur opinion is welcome.. will remember those poins while editing this n writting other..

    @alpha1.. im waiting for ur reply.
  6. esgallindeion

    esgallindeion Minstrel Knight

    Glad to have helped.
  7. Nanda

    Nanda Bassist

    Nice one .. reminded me of sort of stuffs a friend of mine writes .....
    But whts the prob about eng ..... u dont need to know english to write a song ... listen to ozzy , lemme kilmetzer(is the the spell?) ... Steve harris , Dave Murray ... they have no hi fi words or some major crap in their songs ... so dont bother write in simple plain english that comes 2 ur mind .... It better that way .......
  8. vishwa_81us

    vishwa_81us Banned

    hey nimmo u forgot u are a doctor.. how come ur poem die in front of u.. do something give it some doses of penicillin or rybotoxin...
  9. alpha1

    alpha1 I BLUES!

    Well usually,
    poems reflect your state of mind, and being 22 yrs - I was wondering what exactly lead you to write it.

    Anyway poem was nice. But you really a doc?
  10. Nanda

    Nanda Bassist

    No idea bout beign doc ... but if that snap is hers .. she suerly is a beautiful chick !
  11. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    logic followed by reasons.. u definalty seem to be a doctor engineered to write...;)
    well thats un-important important thing is u try to come out very soon
    some more time and thought can make the thing better
    all on all good 1...
  12. Amanush...

    Amanush... Tanha Rahi...!

    Very nice combination of words...! I like your poem.

    Keep it up


  13. ElysiaN

    ElysiaN d@Rk\/\/@|\|deReR

    gud work....:rockon:
  14. .:SpY_GaMe:.

    .:SpY_GaMe:. New Member

    n u forgot shes yet to graduate :p:

    nice work as usual :beer:
  15. astroguru26

    astroguru26 New Member

    the concept with which the poem is created clearly shows the imagination of person crossing the arena of romance and all with which nimisha is known poetry forum

    the differnt subject giving her edge in contemporary writing and her class is not a one day wonder.......she is here to stay with her style of writing ........waiting for more to see from her........

  16. Nanda

    Nanda Bassist

    But where is she ?!
  17. nimisha

    nimisha .:Forum Leader:.

    yes im here nandaaa....
    its gr8 to hear from all of u about my poem... u people r really kooool...

    @madhuresh..... were u noticing those small details? even i cudnt realised that b4 u pointed out..
    well...ur proffession affect u lot naa...
  18. vini

    vini Repeat Offender

    nah..u've got a better english than mine! :grin:
  19. CrYpTiC_angel

    CrYpTiC_angel Rebelle!

    hey, ur english seems MUUUCH better than in ur earlier attempts at english poetry!! i'm pleasantly surprised :)

    i just love this poem of urs!

    wanted to rep ya but cant :mad:
  20. #iR@


    good job.... liked it! :)

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