"My Mouth Shut"

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by Petunia, Nov 30, 2005.

  1. Petunia

    Petunia terminally dorky

    Arritty!
    heres Another one for all U critiQs out there. This one is a little deeper than it mite seem…and whn u Do figure it out…lemme know. :)
    ~*~


    MY MOUTH SHUT


    They told me to keep my mouth shut
    To let everything subsist
    So I watched my mother die
    And my sister slave her way through existence.
    I tore my life in shreds,
    Becoming a preacher of God’s love
    I taught hopeful children that reality is a delusion; fantasy and anticipation.
    I learnt new ways,
    Reincarnating my way through a new generation.
    People are slaves,
    Salvaging their way through freedom,
    A one-way road to nowhere
    I became a new person because
    They told me to keep my mouth shut
     
  2. shak

    shak Harrr!

    it doesnt rhyme... and there is a strong sense of conflict there! .. but some how it makes you raise your eyebrows ...
    dont like this much .. but still i will give it thumbs up just for being different .. keep em comin
     
  3. Petunia

    Petunia terminally dorky

    Hmm well i definitely respect ur response. But there were a couple of things ur gnna hafta clear up for me...

    one: its a free-verse poem. It doesnt need to rhyme!
    two: wht conflict?
    three: whts being different here?

    u keep chillin dude.

    ~*~
     
  4. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    I liked this. A lot. It was very well structured and my initial fear that you wouldn't be able to "bring it home" was actually baseless.



    I'd change this line if I were you....or at least put it differently.


    Not only is it cliche, it also is in contrast with the rest of your verse in terms of lack of clarity.


    Other than that, you get two thumbs up.
     
  5. shak

    shak Harrr!

    I tore my life in shreds,
    Becoming a preacher of God’s love ..

    ^ can you see the conflict in those two lines?? .. to become a preacher of God's love .. you need to have a prominant and noble life structure ... but thats my opinion .. love is what binds us all ..

    and when i said it doesnt rhyme .. i meant .. it sounds more like a prose than a poem ... no offence .. but thats what i thought .. so i decided i will be honest ..

    again .. a little conflict ..atleast thats what i think .. but it can be something that is totally beyond my comprehension .. and my little dumb mind couldnt cypher it ..

    People are slaves,
    Salvaging their way through freedom

    how can you salvage through freedom when you are a slave? .i mean .. how can one salvage stuff from a thing which doesnt exist for him? .. did i make any sense? salvage towards freedom .. to freedom .. for freedom .. is understandable .. but through freedom while being a slave .. wow .. thats something completely new and unique that you have said ..
    and if thats the case ... then yes .. this ^ is what makes your poem different .. and got my thumbs up ..
     
  6. vini

    vini Repeat Offender

    lack of clarity creeps in usually arising out of the reason that non professional poems are most of the time written over to make ur state of mind decipherable with the help of words..so they belong to person's own thoughts, which obviously he can better understand and we read it trying to get the feel and we reckon the major idea/thought the person/poet has tried to manifest...but then poems sometimes end up being subtle and rest of the times clear and understandable.

    But this poem according to me successfully exhibits circumstances which result to an insurrectionary demeanor!!.......hope i didnt sound dazed or disoriented..hehe :grin: actually i consider it as a nice attempt reps for petunia!

    Looking forward to more of ur poems...choose a light theme next time...im tired of reading/writing dark works :yawn:
     
  7. vini

    vini Repeat Offender

    i dunno if its a conflit but it does sound contradicting :think:
    maybe its also a part of this art :p:
     

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