my dear friend

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by Sharmontime, Mar 19, 2006.

  1. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member

    this one i wrote long back...felt tis incomplete.
    Pls temme how this is and how to conclude.

    He left me, to be happy.
    I felt him to be happier.
    But that doesnt allow me to smile
    Doesnt stop my heart, cry.

    Worried was I, when found myself
    Not decent enough in public, to loiter
    Freely, unknown to my mind.
    But this was just to unwind
    My deepest of thoughts
    curled for long, unmeasurable miles
    which hid my thousand smiles...


    ----------
    Pls dont hesitate to comment.
    I, for sure, shall never resent.

    Sharmontime:cool: [TM]
     
    Garima likes this.
  2. #iR@

    #iR@ GANDI BACHI RELOADED

    sweet poem man... yea it is incomplete but srry can't think of any lines that would complete this poem... good job wisay! :)
     
  3. apurbajd

    apurbajd ~#$&*$@*^$

    ^^complete it and post ...... has the potential 2 be a good poem ...neverthless goot try .....
     
  4. nimisha

    nimisha .:Forum Leader:.

    ^^^ he said ryt....
     
  5. abhimanjrekar

    abhimanjrekar ----> Zhol-Man<----


    But now its over,
    My smiles wont wither,
    Bundles of joy flowin around,
    Lets share these moments together....:beer:


    how about this from my side....:p: ..and dude nice one,..ahem i ve competition in short poems now..hehe:p:
     
  6. nimisha

    nimisha .:Forum Leader:.

    short poems??????
    u mean short like ur brains????

    anyways..nice job...
    but stilll bit abrupt ending..
     
  7. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member

    hmm...Abhi...nice one....very opmistic indeed.Liked it.
    However, this is my version.

    Then it struck me...
    Lightning that made me think,
    My eyes wink
    Gone are those hazy lines
    To see him much clear
    For he resides in my heart
    My FRIEND who is such a dear.
    My dear Friend.

    But as Nimi said, this is abrupt. I too feel there's something that should be included before this one so as to make the feel be experienced gradually.

    What say???
    Pls do suggest...


    Sharmontime :cool: [TM]
     
  8. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member

    :( no reply???....
     
  9. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member

    good people...bumping for constructive criticisims!!! pls dont mind.
     
  10. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member

     
  11. BubblyMartini

    BubblyMartini !!!HAWM

    He left me, to be happy.
    I felt him to be happier.
    But that doesnt allow me to smile
    Doesnt stop my heart, cry.

    Worried was I, when found myself
    Not decent enough in public, to loiter
    Freely, unknown to my mind.
    But this was just to unwind
    My deepest of thoughts
    curled for long, unmeasurable miles
    which hid my thousand smiles...

    Then it struck me...
    Lightning that made me think,
    My eyes wink
    Gone are those hazy lines
    To see him much clear
    For he resides in my heart
    My FRIEND who is such a dear.
    My dear Friend.


    ...............................................

    it hasnt been constructed well..
    compared to ur other poems i dont like the structure of this one
    grammatical errors can be overlooked but the poem should get the thought across..
    Since you are in the thinking process and are open to corrections
    redo the poem on your own rather than taking some input from others
    You would know better what you wanna say..
    and what exactly you wanna describe the relation,person event etc
    the thoughts at present..what i see...look scattered..
    i get a feel i know what u wanna say..but the very next line jus betrays my thinking..


    Sorry if that sounded rude or harsh
    i also apologise if i come across as a pro when it comes to poetry..
    but jus wanted to give my views :eek::
     
  12. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    nice effort .....
    Worried was I, when found myself
    Not decent enough in public, to loiter

    best lines
     
  13. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member



    Thanks a Lot Martina. This "post"'s mortem was excellent. Good report. Love you for that.
    As for the poem is concerned, it's about "self discovery".
    And yes, i too now understand that it's not structured well. I actually broke the sentences in the context to continue in the next line and tried to get the rhyming pattern as well.Perhaps this approach has spoiled it, in the sense, i think i was not able to do the proper treatment to the thoughts and ideas.


    Thanks a lot again.
     
  14. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member

    thanks a lot Madhuresh
     

Share This Page