this one i wrote long back...felt tis incomplete. Pls temme how this is and how to conclude. He left me, to be happy. I felt him to be happier. But that doesnt allow me to smile Doesnt stop my heart, cry. Worried was I, when found myself Not decent enough in public, to loiter Freely, unknown to my mind. But this was just to unwind My deepest of thoughts curled for long, unmeasurable miles which hid my thousand smiles... ---------- Pls dont hesitate to comment. I, for sure, shall never resent. Sharmontime [TM]
sweet poem man... yea it is incomplete but srry can't think of any lines that would complete this poem... good job wisay!
But now its over, My smiles wont wither, Bundles of joy flowin around, Lets share these moments together....:beer: how about this from my side....: ..and dude nice one,..ahem i ve competition in short poems now..hehe:
short poems?????? u mean short like ur brains???? anyways..nice job... but stilll bit abrupt ending..
hmm...Abhi...nice one....very opmistic indeed.Liked it. However, this is my version. Then it struck me... Lightning that made me think, My eyes wink Gone are those hazy lines To see him much clear For he resides in my heart My FRIEND who is such a dear. My dear Friend. But as Nimi said, this is abrupt. I too feel there's something that should be included before this one so as to make the feel be experienced gradually. What say??? Pls do suggest... Sharmontime [TM]
He left me, to be happy. I felt him to be happier. But that doesnt allow me to smile Doesnt stop my heart, cry. Worried was I, when found myself Not decent enough in public, to loiter Freely, unknown to my mind. But this was just to unwind My deepest of thoughts curled for long, unmeasurable miles which hid my thousand smiles... Then it struck me... Lightning that made me think, My eyes wink Gone are those hazy lines To see him much clear For he resides in my heart My FRIEND who is such a dear. My dear Friend. ............................................... it hasnt been constructed well.. compared to ur other poems i dont like the structure of this one grammatical errors can be overlooked but the poem should get the thought across.. Since you are in the thinking process and are open to corrections redo the poem on your own rather than taking some input from others You would know better what you wanna say.. and what exactly you wanna describe the relation,person event etc the thoughts at present..what i see...look scattered.. i get a feel i know what u wanna say..but the very next line jus betrays my thinking.. Sorry if that sounded rude or harsh i also apologise if i come across as a pro when it comes to poetry.. but jus wanted to give my views :
Thanks a Lot Martina. This "post"'s mortem was excellent. Good report. Love you for that. As for the poem is concerned, it's about "self discovery". And yes, i too now understand that it's not structured well. I actually broke the sentences in the context to continue in the next line and tried to get the rhyming pattern as well.Perhaps this approach has spoiled it, in the sense, i think i was not able to do the proper treatment to the thoughts and ideas. Thanks a lot again.