Like a Fairytale..

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by BubblyMartini, Jun 17, 2006.

  1. BubblyMartini

    BubblyMartini !!!HAWM

    Like a Fairytale...

    Rambling a freeway thought
    Wishing the hallway ended when the door closed behind
    She smiled a knowing smile
    The flowing gown marked the gliding steps
    A shade of white with a hint of pearl
    Tissue and satin brocade sat twirled
    Little stars off the sky on her raven hair shone
    A twinkle bright in her eyes lain
    Shoes of pure silvery hue clung to the feet
    A string of white laced the tresses
    Hands quivered
    The flowers felt heavy
    The veil clothed the curve of her smile
    She walked alone amongst the bevy
    This was the threshold
    Rabbits paw, clover leaved four
    Horseshoe nail, the wishing well
    Neither of which did ever quell
    Luck was doomed before
    It wouldnt exist hereafter
    Vision she didnt ever
    Two little angels would grace her endeavour
    Petals in pure white strewn by them
    Would be crumpled under her feet
    Waltzing away they would smile back at her
    But the disguise faded away
    Something inside her heart crackled
    Leaving her whey
    Fauxing reality the fay like lady crept
    A whiff of earth snuggled up in the air
    Bare hands dropped a watery stone
    Overtures of hers glazed over
    It all changed to the color of mars thereafter
    The tower bells tolled unattended
    Whoever said would doubt their words hence
    Fairytales dont always end with happily ever after's


    This may seem abstract..
    but whether you like it or not
    do gimme your honest comments

    thanks for reading..
  2. BubblyMartini

    BubblyMartini !!!HAWM

    Mod or FL please change the title :eek::
  3. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    some lines r like truely a work of preciseness and variety, the fist thing wahich comes to my mind is
    sapana hi to tha, kyaa huaa jo accha nahi ho ga
    sapana hi to tha, kush kar gaya ki saccha nahi ho ga

    app ka language dhasuu hai

    Rabbits paw, clover leaved four
    Horseshoe nail, the wishing well
    Neither of which did ever quell

    well versed
  4. Zafar

    Zafar New Member

    Great use if imagery for a great theme. I like the structure, you're right, slightly abstract but it works. I would however suggest that some segments are a little bit choppy and repetitive.

    Removing that last "away" may be more effective, just a suggestion.

    The last line is also a little bit cliché. Other than that, excellent work. Keep it up! :)
  5. apurbajd

    apurbajd ~#$&amp;*$@*^$

    Nice work bubbs....

    @Zafar ... I agree with most of what u said ...except the 'away' thing. I think it fits well there ......
  6. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    guitarangela likes this.
  7. BubblyMartini

    BubblyMartini !!!HAWM

    Theme- Fiction
    Its the scene before a marriage ceremony
    Location - interiors of a church

    here goes

    freeway thought- a two way thought

    the church has a huge long hallway towards the main door of the church

    knowing smile is self-explanatory

    wedding gowns have a trail and they kinda sweep the ground as the bride walks

    when water falls on a white cloth a totally different color is aint pure white but with a tinge of cream color

    tissue and sating are fabrics..satin ribbons can be made into bows and flowers too

    a jewel or some accessory which shines in jet black hair

    the glint of her eyes was static to compliment the knowing smile

    silver sandals with a tying thing at the ankles..
    something like a ballet dancer jus with heels

    hair tied with a lace

    flowers though light felt heavy

    walking alone in a crowd

    threshold is the start of something

    all four are supposed to be lucky and bring luck

    quell or quench the thirst for want of luck to be on her side


    didnt ever dream of

    here the angels are two flower girls
    waltzing or flowing in their tiny gown
    strewing petals before the bride as she walks down the aisle

    the face lost color and the smile faded away

    fauxing reality- faking reality

    scent of earth ..
    could be because of rain, strong winds blowing
    or the face getting closer to the earth coz of fainting or its likes

    watery stone here means.. crystal clear stone..white Diamond ring

    Color of mars-Red

    every church has a bell
    usually theres a bell ringer to ring the bell
    but bells tolling unattending is considered bad omen

  8. BubblyMartini

    BubblyMartini !!!HAWM

    Wont affirm anything
    Zafar, Manu and Apu & Bjr thanks for reading! :)

    @Zafar- thanks for the suggestion,it does make sense
    @Manu- Thanks..that was the only thing that had a good rhyme..
    didnt actually pay much heed to rhymes in this poem..that jus came naturally
    @Apu- thanks..and people calling me bubz gets me all smiley smiley :)
    @Bjr- thanks..i'm outta words;)

    Thanks to whoever changed the title..:)

    Note-The interpretation are my thoughts
    they may not match to what you picturise
  9. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    hmm, I'd actually bet my money against that <3

    hmm, didnt know that about the tower bells...gave me a really cool image though.
  10. Sharmontime

    Sharmontime New Member

    Imagination beyond imaginations.
  11. BubblyMartini

    BubblyMartini !!!HAWM

    Bjr-i regret doing somethings
    writing poems is one of them;)

    Sharmontime- thanks
  12. u all just disected her poem on a operation bed , even she participated .. strange !
  13. detritus

    detritus New Member

    mmh just when i thought this forum was doomed to mediocrity. pretty good effort, i liked it, even though ive never found myself attracted to such direct storytelling through poetry.
    old fashioned, but in a nice way.

    its a story, she explained it.

    maybe because theres not much to interpret. i mean, its more decorative metaphor than those that attempt to abstract the idea of the poem
  14. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    I usually go off on my own tangents when I'm reading stuff.
  15. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    think the poetry needed 2 b explained to part-duumbs like me;)
    that's 1 good thing rilly....
    I like stories!!!
  16. ^ i love story tellers
  17. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    is there a difference, mebbe....
    You like the sun n I like the light?
  18. sheetu32

    sheetu32 New Member

  19. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    are you another spam/bot?
  20. elfascinating

    elfascinating risqué ?

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