last wave

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by monica_decosta, Apr 19, 2009.

  1. light blue, a thin skin of transperent ocean
    some heavy brown clouds at the brink
    the sun shining with all its might
    but then it had to shrink

    i will swim to the cave i have seen in my dreams
    even if the waves of air tend to sleep
    wake up, we'll make to the lonley i-land
    for the end this water is too deep

    those palms are watching, the fishes know names
    thus the ocean is too wet for a try
    its nothing left for the waves like u
    the beach is too thirsty too dry
  2. nimisha

    nimisha .:Forum Leader:.

    excellent.. a little refine touch will make it awesome
  3. what refine ?
    tadka of refine oil thanks for the praise from the leader her self !!

    ps: u were elected or appointed ?
  4. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    the refien i feel means here ....if u use the title as waves and ur talking about the story of a wave in sea .....refrain from using the word 'wave" for air ( as in stanza 2 line 2 ) call it breeze or zephyr etc..
    also ur using two adjectives for the ocean ...very deep and wet ... evnee if i go with the thought line ...they can be made more meaingful by dening as " and the ocean is too dubious to try"

    i can tell more but i feel this is ur level

    and yes ^ she ws elected then appointed ... she earned it !!
  5. Poison...

    Poison... New Member

    "the beach is too thirsty to dry"..SUPERB!!
  6. *shy and giggles* thanks for appriciating that line too like it the most

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