Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by nandy0894, Nov 15, 2012.

  1. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    dooba hu itna karz mein
    sirr uthake chal nahi skta
    nazar mila k chal nahi sakta..

    ada krne ka kuch zaria nahi
    log farishto ki baatein krte hain
    mere liye fir kyu koi parian nahi..

    izzat thi kabi meri b, zindgi thi kabi meri b
    log khushi mein mujhko salam krte the
    takleef mein salah ko yad kia krte the..

    aaj yahi log nazar churana munasib smjhte hain
    dekhkr andekha kr jana munasib smjhte hain
    soorat ka aitbar kya kru jab fitrat bdl jati hai..

    tarazu mein apna saman bechta hu
    madad ko hath failata hu
    log faqeer kehkr mar dete hain
    mein taqdeer samajh kr kha leta hu..

    aaj saman bechne ka sabab nahi
    khatam ho chala hai sab
    so khud tarazu mein baitha hu..

    kharidar koi milta na rab
    izzat bechkr mein apni
    jism bechne ko tarazu mein baitha hu..

    fir b koi kharidar na rab
    namanzoor kr jate hain sbb
    kehte hain jism prr kharonche boht hain..
  2. monica_decosta

    monica_decosta Active Member

    ..bad poetry ...not good
  3. Ali Yawar

    Ali Yawar New Member

    I think the thought process is good...but somehow the word selection and rhyming scheme make it too juvenile....the thought holds much scope...
  4. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    the words or the theme??
  5. rickkkyrich

    rickkkyrich Guest

    That is so rude and harsh... That's not how you criticize poets...
  6. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    she is just giving an opinion...plus m not a poet :p:
  7. rickkkyrich

    rickkkyrich Guest

    And i am giving my opinion...
  8. monica_decosta

    monica_decosta Active Member

    ...hahaha ..opps sentimental people ... anyways ... let me try again ....Nandy u made a mess of the theme and execution is even worse ...what is it exactly ? what do u want to say? were u drunk when u wrote it ?? lol

    there is no theme no plot its like some irratic lines about a beggar :D ...what do u think i should comment on !!!
  9. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    umm nope..i wasnt drunk..as far as i remember :p:
    there is a theme...its about a rich person who has turned into a poor man ..due to some circumstances..and hw suddnly the society the ppl hu were once nice to him have now turned their back towards him..rest of the poem..means the last part defines his hopelessness and desperation and even then hw badly the society reacts to him..i guess..this ws it..
  10. monica_decosta

    monica_decosta Active Member

    the way one handles his critics tells a lot about the person :D

    if only i can my suggestion is when ever u write such stuff do use a some imagery or a way with words..not just straight lines to describe the what meets the eye... poetry starts with whats does not (there might be exceptions but thats how i felt bout ur poem.. So how i would have put it across...
    u wrote..
    dooba hu itna karz mein
    sirr uthake chal nahi skta
    nazar mila k chal nahi sakta..

    Karz itna badha zamaane main
    daar lagta hia nazar milane main
    abb nikalta hunn jab apni hi galiyoon se
    Sakoon milata hai chup-chaap gujar jaane main
  11. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    hmm i agree i wrote it pthetically..ill re write it.. :)
    but was i was trying to say is k ther's nthing wrong with the theme.. :) ..

Share This Page