Ek jagta sa khwab

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by Ali Yawar, Jul 25, 2012.

  1. Ali Yawar

    Ali Yawar New Member

    Hey guys...Here is a poem written by me...please give your feedback after reading it..I am going to post it on my blog so I thought it will be gud to get ur views b4 posting it...

    ----------Ek jagta sa khwab------

    Jaagti raaton

    Ke veeran safar mein

    Us guzargah se guzrte hue,

    Vohi guzargah,

    Jo neend ki haseen bastiyon se

    meelon dur nikalti hai

    jiski manzil yun to bepata,

    lekin shayad,

    yaadon ka koi udaas ban,

    ya peer ka koi machalta sagar,

    Usi guzargah pe vo milee,

    Ek roz mujhe

    Vo ki jispe raqs kartee

    Kirnon ka gumaan hota tha,

    Jaise neend ki haseen vadiyon se,

    bhatka hua ek parind ,

    Apni saanson mein

    neendon ki khushboo basaye hue,

    Apne pankho mein

    Khwabon ki shuaein chipaey hue,

    Vo shuaein jo mujhe

    meri teergi se

    aazad kar sakti thin

    jo meri rooh ko phir purnoor,

    meri zeest ko phir

    shad kar saktee thin,

    maine jo haath badha kar,

    use thamna chaha

    to mere haathon mein bas

    dhund thi chamakti huee,

    darasal vo to bas

    meri yaadon ka dhuan thi,

    meri zindagi ke kuch khamosh,

    boseeda varq,

    meri peer ka,

    koi ankaha sa baab,

    jaagti raaton ke

    veeran safar mein

    ek jaagta sa khwab.

    Bas

    Ek jagta sa khwab....

    Ali Yawar

    Comment below to give your feedback.
     
  2. i liked it

    Although agar app sufiyaan andaazz main likhna chaah rahe the to i must say that you missed the crux... sufi poetry is always for the gods (although most ppl think its for women :D) ... so i would say that if you could add that theme to it as if it was for the gods / lord it would become sufi

    Else i feel a very good composition
    keep posting
     
  3. Super-Admin

    Super-Admin Administrator Staff Member

    Ali Yawar - Nice try .. I liked it too :).. Not many poems in Hindi / Urdu .. keep them coming !
     
  4. Ali Yawar

    Ali Yawar New Member

    Thanks...

    Thanks...........................
     
  5. Ali Yawar

    Ali Yawar New Member

    Thanks Monika...I really appreciate ur advice but this composition is not sufi.In fact I am an atheist.And by the way sufi poetry is not for gods or lords or whatever..sufis believe in vahdatul vajud so their compositions mainly revolve around soul and the ultimate oneness.their is no division in sufism..have u noticed most sufi compositions are written in feminine..that's because soul is always feminine...
    eg.. sakhi piya ko jo main na dekhun
    to kaise katun andheri ratiyan
    kise pari hai jo jaa sunave
    piyare pee ko hamaari batiyan

    It's by khusrow,great sufi poet..and the first indian poet to write in hindi..
     
  6. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    Thats very good, I wish I could write like that. Unfortunately (and fortunately for others), I have a very poor hindi vocabulary.
    But please try to divide sub-topics into stanzas, for an aesthetic sense, that way you'll certainly find more appreciation.
     
  7. Opps ..the sole is feminine :D ... where did u get this from ??...anyways we both are saying the same thing sufis write for something other than females lol ( not to get sxeual favors ) ... i will try some thing sufi now u also do ...i feel it will be interesting !!!
     
  8. Ali Yawar

    Ali Yawar New Member

    yeah..you should try something sufi...i promise that I will post one of my sufi poems very seen.. soul means atman ,rooh .It is not present in many philosophies around the globe..but in our country the idea of metempsychosis is very deep routed..
     

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