[Crushing Darkness]

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by Morbid_Angel, May 23, 2008.

  1. Morbid_Angel

    Morbid_Angel Sid the sloth

    This is not exactly poetry..more of a crappy attempt at death metal songs. It's pretty morbid so people with less sadistic thoughts are advised to not read/comment.

    Crushing Darkness

    Dark eyes of yours, they reflect your past
    The only rays of the sun falling on the instruments
    Attacking your body, this will not go unseen
    Parasitic hunger, I shall live on your pain now.

    Your lips draw a breath before being torn apart,
    Miles from each other; they will never speak together
    A muffled shriek lasted forever.

    Where was your soul when I screamed out your name?
    Where could you have been when the reaper called your name?

    There is no escape
    No suffering will drain away
    No gap for the pain to leak away.

    Your voiceless stare only provokes the thought
    a million years could’ve brought.

    The bloody throat slowly falls apart as I close my eyes
    And allow the Crushing Darkness to overcome.

    Just a first try..comment please :)
  2. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    I culdnt make out much of it in first reading ...so had to read again again and ws forced to think... waht u wanted to say was something very simple but waht u said is wrapped in the complex sticky coweb of ur intelligence...
    whatever but this was just power packed ...may be culd have been more detaling ...atlest for biggners like me :)...But ahh..! hw can i miss, this was ur first attempt :p...too good !!

    keep rocking
  3. Morbid_Angel

    Morbid_Angel Sid the sloth

    hey man..thanks..didn't expect to get such a nice comment on my first go.

    I'll be doing another one soon..let's see how it goes ;)
    i'm_not_neo likes this.
  4. madhuresh

    madhuresh madhuresh

    small suggestion ... if u want to write lyrics for song kinda thing then ...do makse sure to get some flow in ur words within lines not just the endings
  5. i'm_not_neo

    i'm_not_neo el valor máximo absoluto

    Ahhhh finally gave writing a shot huh?Good!
    Firstly,I understood it!Considering my poor abilities at interpreting,I'm glad this one made sense to me!Ok so the theme is deep...nice work there.The depiction is fairly expressive.What I really liked was the fact that most of the poem is what meets the eye but then there are just some lines that go beyond and tell many things..like :
    'Your voiceless stare only provokes the thought
    a million years could’ve brought.'
    Song,I don't know..but a mildly grotesque yet appealing write..something vaguely romantic and yet dark...
    Keep writing I must say!
  6. Morbid_Angel

    Morbid_Angel Sid the sloth

    heh thanks neo! feels really nice to have a positive comment from a great poet like you..i'll keep writing and post one again soon.

    thanks again! :)
  7. fairandlovely

    fairandlovely peeka-boo

    you definitely have it in you. i think youre challenging yourself to think deep and that is a promising sign.

    Concentrate more on rhythm. Its the key to good poetry.

    I dont know but it seems like youre trying too hard to find words. Just let it flow man.

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