complete the poem

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by walk_alone, Apr 27, 2010.

  1. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    @ Rikki ... she is just haveing fun bro. Lets not be rude. Comeon come up with another line.
     
  2. prathamjain

    prathamjain New Member

    I smell of rain, as if it was here last night
    or maybe it was you
    sprinkling your love in the moonlight
    that touched me with her silence few days back
    glanced at me from the windows broken glass

    Now its the dew of the mild surprise
    colours of the rainbow playing with my eyes
    A breath of the air that gushed by your side
    and the warming sun between the shadows hide

    The world looks like you, as if you were here since the light

    @horsesmouth: i can't get the last line so i m continuing after the ninth
    I smell of rain, as if it was here last night
    or maybe it was you
    sprinkling your love in the moonlight
    that touched me with her silence few days back
    glanced at me from the windows broken glass

    Now its the dew of the mild surprise
    colours of the rainbow playing with my eyes
    A breath of the air that gushed by your side
    and the warming sun between the shadows hide

    i miss your touch i miss your kiss
    i miss the feeling they have in the bliss
    this smell of the rain has made me feel
    you are somewhere nearby behind a veil....
    carry on ...
     
  3. monica_decosta

    monica_decosta Active Member

    hey now its catching up ...this is good pratham did a mast job ...

    *@ Rikki ... she is just haveing fun bro* Im a dammmmmmmm serious person ( very very intelligent and beautiful and all adjectives) have not even smiled from 300 years ..zeezzzz
     
  4. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    pretty good pratham.... we may have to edit few words here and there in the poem to make it flow better... but that is for later with agreement of all.
     
  5. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    Iam sure you are very intelligent, beautiful, and everything that you desire to be. But you should smile, atleast once in my lifetime ... lol
     
  6. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    I smell of rain, as if it was here last night
    or maybe it was you
    sprinkling your love in the moonlight
    that touched me with the silence till few days back
    glanced at me from the windows broken glass

    Now its the dew of the mild surprise
    colours of the rainbow playing with my eyes
    A breath of the air that gushed by your side
    and the warming sun between the shadows hide

    I missed your touch and missed your kiss
    I missed the feelings they have in the bliss
    this smell of the rain has made me feel
    you are somewhere nearby behind a veil
     
  7. monica_decosta

    monica_decosta Active Member

    I smell of rain, as if it was here last night
    or maybe it was you
    sprinkling your love in the moonlight
    that touched me with the silence till few days back
    glanced at me from the windows broken glass

    Now its the dew of the mild surprise
    colours of the rainbow playing with my eyes
    A breath of the air that gushed by your side
    and the warming sun between the shadows hide

    I missed your touch and missed your kiss
    I missed the feelings missed the bliss
    this smell of the rain has made me feel
    you are somewhere near behind a veil

    Our love is a thirsty emptyness
    some that you had, some that i shared
    we never knew how to expresss it
    we never treid we never cared..


    Darlings and dandies can i end it with last lines...or u all want to continue...
     
  8. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    let it go "clown", Iam sure someone else may also want to pitch in ;-)
     
  9. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    Its very nice... i think its gettin to a close now...n I'm poor at endings, let monnie do the job, she's good at it
     
  10. prathamjain

    prathamjain New Member

    thanx "monica", "walk_alone"
    i have tried to end it simply .. corrections will be heartly appreciated


    I smell of rain, as if it was here last night
    or maybe it was you
    sprinkling your love in the moonlight
    that touched me with the silence till few days back
    glanced at me from the windows broken glass

    Now its the dew of the mild surprise
    colours of the rainbow playing with my eyes
    A breath of the air that gushed by your side
    and the warming sun between the shadows hide

    I missed your touch and missed your kiss
    I missed the feelings they have in the bliss
    this smell of the rain has made me feel
    you are somewhere near behind a veil

    Our love is a thirsty emptiness
    some that you had, some that i shared
    we never knew how to express it
    we never tried we never cared..

    i wasted my life , made a million mistakes
    i crushed your heart and left you there
    but now i m gonna do watever it takes
    to give you happiness and love of your share

    your my life and i won't let you go
    and i will be there with you through every bend
    i m telling the truth and please let me show
    my love for you is never ever gonna end

    should we end it with"end" guys an gals???
     
  11. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    last 2 paras look disconnected from rest. Need to blend it together.
     
  12. monica_decosta

    monica_decosta Active Member


    how did u get this that im gud at ending ..... :( !!!

    i will end it, soon.
     
  13. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    @ Monika .. wow you sound of "revenge"... lol
     
  14. prathamjain

    prathamjain New Member

    @walk_alone : do it dude.. carry on with the corrections
     
  15. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    pratham, ur lines r good, bt the last 2 paras dont connect to it at the core...
    needs some amends, as in figures of speech etc..
     
  16. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    lol, i thought u wud'nt understand :p
     
  17. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    Did some editing and re-phrasing, please let me know if it is ok or should we re-do.


    I smell of rain, as if it was here last night
    or maybe it was you
    sprinkling your love in the moonlight
    touched me with the silence till few days back
    and glanced at me through the window
    from its broken glass

    Now its the dew of the mild surprise
    colours of the rainbow playing with my eyes
    A breath of the air that gushed by your side
    and the warming sun between the shadows hide

    missed every touch and missed every kiss
    missed the feelings they have in the bliss
    this smell of the rain has made me feel
    you are somewhere near, maybe behind a veil

    Our love is a thirsty emptiness
    some that you have, some that I share
    we never knew how to express it
    never did we try it, nor did we care

    depleted my life , made some mistakes
    repent I must, whatever it takes
    come back once, those droplet from sky
    fill my palms, like a cup of life

    I smell of rain, as if it was here last night
    or maybe it was you
    sprinkling your love in the moonlight
     
  18. monica_decosta

    monica_decosta Active Member

    i will stick to the earlier version where i stopped... these corrctions r making the entire thing like a mouth feed ...this is not how i like a peotry to be ..."the fun is of mutual discover" ...again i read it and find it not worth right now...
     
  19. walk_alone

    walk_alone **~~| An Atheist |~~**

    Its true that everyone wants to end where they stopped, irrespective...

    Thnxs for the comments.
     
  20. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    m nt quite sure the 2nd last para does justice to the rest of the thing/..
     

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