commercialized spirituality 2

Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by nandy0894, Mar 11, 2012.

  1. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    i tried...but i guess this one too is not good.. :\ nyways read and tell me what do you guys think about it?




    walking down the road
    just humming a simple song
    i don't care to care
    as i stare
    lazily i walk along
    the dust flies
    right into my eyes
    and then i raise up my head
    i follow the graceful and holy height to see where it led..
    filling my eyes with this place
    ow! suddenly i am knocked down
    right into this dusty ground
    a herd of eccentrics run over me
    i lie there questioning the well lit tree
    ah..some occasion, well has to be!
    getting up i join the howling crowd
    its a scary place where gentlemen howl
    women don't care about their sacred shroud..
    and then i see it!
    all hail the man in the orange fabric
    all kneel and i just stare surprised at this gimmick
    his bodyguards surround his highness
    he moves and smiles dwelling in his prowess
    he enters and graces the elevated seat
    while the crowd covers the dusty street
    His belly weighs down with heavy bribes
    while he preaches and guides all creeds and tribes
    but oh he behaves just the opposite of what he says
    his Luxurious survival is aided by his devoted crowd's pay
    calm and pious we think him to be
    closing our eyes as we worship him under that tree
    and then he rises hurries
    the frenzied crowd
    on their knees they're down
    he enters the dark room, kisses his prizes
    but he lusts for more and heads home for more surprises
    he bangs on the door leering to indulge into grave vices
    the daughters cry , the daughters shout
    but the voices soon die down and none knows what its all about..

    what i wonder about is that
    his life is open and yet a secret like deep dark dungeons
    i turn back and i walk on..
    with watery eyes..
    thinking of the God man
    and scanning 'his' lies
    and i then i know
    'spirituality is commercialized' ..
     
  2. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    This one is much better....some of the lines were very clever, others made me chuckle. I liked the first half of the last one better where you talked about celebrations and people and even prasad (and the sacred shroud line was nicer in that one)....but the second half of this, to my mind at least, is well written. I also really like the line about the belly being weighed down by heavy bribes.
     
  3. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    ah..finally..! i am glad..thank you :)
    i guess..i should let the first half of that one remain as it is and umm just change the last part..
    but i am trying to figure out what and why made you CHUCKLE? i mean what's funny?
     
  4. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    I liked this one more...looks like poetry, even more being socially relevant and not tragically sad :p
     
  5. wylder

    wylder New Member

    This is actually very nice. This has the same story but presented in a more reader friendly way. Now that your poetry has become much more readable, I hope you don't mind me nitpicking...

    Just an observation - do you have to change your person in the below lines?

    "calm and pious we think him to be
    closing our eyes as we worship him under that tree"

    Because till there I had an image of you standing by and observing the fallacy of the people. Changing to first person makes it sound like you have joined them in their belief. And still you criticize him...
     
  6. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member


    haha..
    tragically sad! ;)
    anyways thank you :)
     
  7. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    thank you :) and naah..i dun mind you nitpicking :)
    here...you are right..
    "getting up i join the howling crowd" and this does not imply that i joined them in their belief .. i just joined the "crowd" ..

    it was first mentioned that i joined them and then observed ..
    you know.. "participant observation" ..oops sociology..ignore..! :)
     

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