i tried...but i guess this one too is not good.. :\ nyways read and tell me what do you guys think about it? walking down the road just humming a simple song i don't care to care as i stare lazily i walk along the dust flies right into my eyes and then i raise up my head i follow the graceful and holy height to see where it led.. filling my eyes with this place ow! suddenly i am knocked down right into this dusty ground a herd of eccentrics run over me i lie there questioning the well lit tree ah..some occasion, well has to be! getting up i join the howling crowd its a scary place where gentlemen howl women don't care about their sacred shroud.. and then i see it! all hail the man in the orange fabric all kneel and i just stare surprised at this gimmick his bodyguards surround his highness he moves and smiles dwelling in his prowess he enters and graces the elevated seat while the crowd covers the dusty street His belly weighs down with heavy bribes while he preaches and guides all creeds and tribes but oh he behaves just the opposite of what he says his Luxurious survival is aided by his devoted crowd's pay calm and pious we think him to be closing our eyes as we worship him under that tree and then he rises hurries the frenzied crowd on their knees they're down he enters the dark room, kisses his prizes but he lusts for more and heads home for more surprises he bangs on the door leering to indulge into grave vices the daughters cry , the daughters shout but the voices soon die down and none knows what its all about.. what i wonder about is that his life is open and yet a secret like deep dark dungeons i turn back and i walk on.. with watery eyes.. thinking of the God man and scanning 'his' lies and i then i know 'spirituality is commercialized' ..
This one is much better....some of the lines were very clever, others made me chuckle. I liked the first half of the last one better where you talked about celebrations and people and even prasad (and the sacred shroud line was nicer in that one)....but the second half of this, to my mind at least, is well written. I also really like the line about the belly being weighed down by heavy bribes.
ah..finally..! i am glad..thank you i guess..i should let the first half of that one remain as it is and umm just change the last part.. but i am trying to figure out what and why made you CHUCKLE? i mean what's funny?
This is actually very nice. This has the same story but presented in a more reader friendly way. Now that your poetry has become much more readable, I hope you don't mind me nitpicking... Just an observation - do you have to change your person in the below lines? "calm and pious we think him to be closing our eyes as we worship him under that tree" Because till there I had an image of you standing by and observing the fallacy of the people. Changing to first person makes it sound like you have joined them in their belief. And still you criticize him...
thank you and naah..i dun mind you nitpicking here...you are right.. "getting up i join the howling crowd" and this does not imply that i joined them in their belief .. i just joined the "crowd" .. it was first mentioned that i joined them and then observed .. you know.. "participant observation" ..oops sociology..ignore..!