ok now... most of u might be knowing that i asked help from u guys for riting an essay on colours... well here it is... i know its VERY LONG but come on... do read it and do tell me wat u think of it... any improvements i can make? since the morning i have been riting this and now i want u guys to tell me honestly wat u think! just don't be TOOOOO negative (i know it sucks) cause it did take me more then 5 HOURS! OK! hehe... anyway... so here it is... its 1084 words long i guess... hope u guys like it! COLOURS I couldn’t take it anymore. The pain was devastating my insides. The agonizing pain grew more and more, making me howl in the darkness of the hospital wing. I shrieked, tossed and turned. The pain swept through my head as if trying to wipe out every sign of life in me. It was too much to handle for my young mind. I closed my eyes and buried my head under the pillow. I felt a soft hand on my back. It stroked my head with all its warmth. For a second it felt that all my pain had been banished forever and a fresh beam of sunshine had cleansed my life. My world seemed to be regaining its brilliant colours. I lifted my head listlessly and tried to figure out the face that hid behind the curtain of tears clinging to my eyelashes. “Sorry mommy, my screams woke you up again.” I murmured. She hushed me and continued stroking my hair. It seemed that she wanted to say something but her strength didn’t allow her. I confessed that I couldn’t control myself from screaming and was really sorry to wake her up in the dead of the night but she just hugged me. Tears started streaming down her cheeks as she looked at my pale face. She hurriedly ran out of the room bursting into sobs. I sat on my bed rock hard staring at the empty doorway hoping that she would return… It had almost been a week since I had been here. I kept telling mommy to take me home because I didn’t want to miss school. Miss Anna would be really furious at me for not attending her arts class as I was her favorite student. But mommy always replied that I had not shown any signs of recovery, as soon as I did that she would take me back home. Every time she said this, I was just left curious to know what I had to recover from. I had no idea why I was here; away from my friends and school. I was perfectly fine the whole day except for a few nights when there used to be a lot of pain in my head which seemed to be sucking out every drop of energy from my body leaving me feeble. This would make mommy cry a lot which made me feel awful. One morning when I woke up to the crowing of the rooster, I overheard mommy and the old doctor talking about me… “It’s a gamble. If it doesn’t work properly, the radiations will kill him!” said the doctor worriedly, “But I can’t even let him die without trying.” whispered mommy. There was an awkward silence... I saw mommy entering the doorway depressed. It seemed as if she was now going to let me know what I had been going through all this time. With all the courage she could muster she croaked in the slightest whisper, “You have brain cancer.” “What’s that mommy?” I inquired I didn’t know what I had said that made her hug the life out of me! She kept telling me how much she loved me and how all her efforts could go in vain but I still had no clue about what was going to happen. After a lot of pleading she told me that I was going to go through an operation the next day! The evening that followed remained quiet uncomfortable as I was really scared about the operation. Mommy tried really hard to cheer me up but all her efforts were futile. She made me sleep early that night, but I couldn’t sleep. I was too petrified. A dreadful feeling crept up my spine as the dawn drew closer. My numb mind still tried to accept the fact that I had an operation tomorrow. Different thoughts took over my mind as I floated back in my memories; how I used to love getting dressed up in bright colours every day! How I used to love getting cotton candy on my way back from school, how I made mommy get a rainbow painted on my wall… I smiled as I thought how cheery and bubbly I was… Tears started streaming down my cheeks as I was brought back to reality… I couldn’t believe that for almost a month I had been imprisoned in this room where everything seemed to be shrouded in grey! My life seemed to have no colours left in it… I felt as if I was living in a world where shadows gave way to more shadows, all melting into each other, giving a shade of unearthly grey… Unusual voices filled my ears as I woke up the next morning. The time I had been dreading for, had arrived. The funny looking nurse told me to hop into the wheelchair. Paralyzed with fear, I pried open mommy’s grip and did as she said. I could see mommy holding all her tears behind those fretful eyes. The nurse took me to the other room through the dark, silent corridor. A shiver ran through my spine as I reached the room. The doctor put a cloth on my face, I felt so light, the sweet smell… When I woke up I saw mommy smiling at me. This time her smile had a hidden triumph somewhere. It seemed as if a great burden had been lifted from her sagged shoulders. She gave me a hug which would always work as a soothing balm for all my wounds and sores… wait a minute… there was no pain anymore! I was feeling perfectly fine! Excitement and glee surrounded me. She kissed on my forehead gently and said in contentment, “Let’s go home dear!” She carried me in her arms close to herself out of the hospital. As soon as I stepped out I felt as if a dark, gloomy night had been exchanged with a bright, sunny day. A day which was fresh just like a valley is after a heavy storm and rain. I felt as if my life had regained all its magnificent colours! The beautiful red roses, the restless orange flame, the bright yellow sun, the lush green grass, the never ending blue sky, the stunning indigo and violet dancing peacock seemed to be mine! All this beauty seemed to be my treasured possessions. Yes all these colours gave a rise to a rainbow; my rainbow, where I could live forever with colours that would never fade away! THANKS A LOT FOR READING! looking fwd to ur comments and suggestions!
That's way to much for me to read .... but since it's called "colours" so i bet the contents must be colourful !!!
good lord! you are good man ... seriously ... its captivating ..very captivating .. the only thing that i feel is that this essay is not explicitly about colours .. now i dont know the exact requirements .. but if it floats your boat then .... one word BRILLIANT!
Very well-written. Excellent imagery. The plot was a bit cliche but I've really got to hand it to you for the title. However, it seems far too much like a fairytale which ruins the effect of your brilliance a little. I would've changed the ending slightly if I were you. The section after the quotes is what I change. I normally wouldn't do this and I don't expect you to want to use what I'm writing....it's just something I have to do. I've pretty much used your lines but the context is a bit different. When I woke up I saw daddy smiling at me. Daddy hadn't been home since the war began 4 years ago and mommy had had that tired desperation about her ever since as if she were resigned to facing the world alone. With an excited squeal I felt his big arms wrap me in a bearhug and he carried me out on his shoulders. A hug would always work as a soothing balm for all my wounds and sores… wait a minute… there was no pain anymore! I was feeling perfectly fine! Excitement and glee surrounded me. I felt as if my life had regained all its magnificent colours! The beautiful red roses, the restless orange flame, the bright yellow sun, the lush green grass, the never ending blue sky, the stunning indigo and violet dancing peacock seemed to be mine! All this beauty seemed to be my treasured possessions. Yes all these colours gave a rise to a rainbow; my rainbow, where I could live forever with colours that would never fade away! The mother smiled as she took the hand of the motionless angel in the ward. This time her smile had a hidden triumph somewhere. It seemed as if a great burden had been lifted from her sagged shoulders. She kissed her daughter on the forehead gently and said in contentment “Let’s go home dear!” She carried her child in her arms close to herself out of the hospital. As soon as she stepped out she felt as if a dark, gloomy night had been exchanged with a bright, sunny day. A day which was fresh just like a valley is after a heavy storm and rain. Yes, her daughter was finally united with the colours she loved so.
Thanks A Lot U Guys!!! @ knight_guitar.... uuuuummmmmmm..... no i am not into IT field.... and yea u guessed wrong: the content is not colourful! : @ shak... THANKS!! just can't stop smiling after reading soo many good comments! yea even i had a feeling that it was not exactly related to the topic but lets see.... i guess it would work! or i should rather say... i hope it does! thanks anway man! means a LOT! @ bjr.... WOW.... nice TWIST! thanks man! uuummm.... if u don't mind could i take ur ending and rite it maself? :think: do let me know.... btw i really wanted to kill the kid that is ME in the end... but my teacher doesn't prefer sad essays! don't know why! : @ ujsen... THANKSss!!!! really appreciate it! @ anshphenomenon... thanks for the reps man! thanks a LOT u guys for reading such a longggggg essay... which i really thought would suck!!!! but after reading ur comments i feel really good and i guess all my 5 hours of hard work definitly paid off!! thanks u guys...... :beer: more comments are alwayssss welcomed!!!!!
^@ bjr... thanks a lot man! :nw: well... i don't know... i guess i would rather be in such a situation then see anyone else... and plus in an essay i always exceed in expressing my feelings rather than HE/SHE... i guess "I" gives a better impact on the reader...
I just hope to God that you're never in this situation (at either end of it really).....I've lost a few people to cancer. I assure you it's no way for a self-respecting individual to go.
and you're right about the I having a better impact... change the story slightly then, after changing it to "I" just add this before the end: Suddenly I had a vision from far away of a woman sitting beside a little girl in the hospital and crying silently. Both of them looked vaguely familiar but I somehow couldn't place them. As I walked away holding my fathers hand, the memory faded and then vanished into the rainbow. The mother smiled as she took the hand of the motionless angel in the ward. This time her smile had a hidden triumph somewhere. It seemed as if a great burden had been lifted from her sagged shoulders. She kissed her daughter on the forehead gently and said in contentment “Let’s go home dear!” She carried her child in her arms close to herself out of the hospital. As soon as she stepped out she felt as if a dark, gloomy night had been exchanged with a bright, sunny day. A day which was fresh just like a valley is after a heavy storm and rain. Yes, her daughter was finally united with the colours she loved so.
@brj.. i just hope no one EVER gets into such a situation! ^agreed @ spy..... tell me if its good or not!!! :aggre: btw... thanks for reps anyway! :
hmm.. Intriguing and Awesome narration! However, im a little confused as to where all the color went?
Great work @IR...do let us know.. what grade or marks u got on that essay !! and u did a good job too BJR..yours had a more realistic end... not the usual fairy tale kind...
reallly REALLY nice....nice plot...everything flowed well....u are definitely a really good creative writer.... keep up the good work....i am telling u, its an A+ material for ur age...well..the grade doesnt matter..what that matters is how much u made it influential to the readers that are interested in reading it for fun and time pass....not to the teacher who might be looking for things that can be criticized .... really good job..reps if permits... :beer:
@ petunia.... THANKS! well... i guess all the colours went into the rainbow... now i feel that the essay is a lil of topic... :think: thanks though! @ knight_ki_gf... thanks a lot! yea i added brj's ending... made it better! well... this is essay is actually for a competition held by some commonwealth societies.... no idea about that!i am riting an essay for their competition for the first time... so just considering it as FUN! but i will surely ask my teacher to grade it and will then let u guys know! @ guitarangela... WOW! THANKS GURL! really means a LOT! :beer: thanks for the reps!
@hira....absolutely stunning piece of work. hope u do win the competition....Me too thinking of something too add on. Possibly a darker ending....yeah but the colours will be there @bjr...nice improvisation.
@ wizard... lol.. winning the competition :RollLol: : hehe.... just don't think its that good! : thanks anyway! ur comments made me feel GOOD! looking forward to ur ending...
@ wizard.... i forgot... thanks for the reps too! hope u post ur ending soon... oh and plzzz could all of u let me know ANY quote or ANY SHORT POEM or stanza to end this story.... i mean i NOW SAW that the word limit was 1200-1500 and i just rote the FINAL thing in 1126 words...... hope u guys can help! i was planning to add this in the end...... its a stanza from THE DAFFODILS by william worthsworth! LOVE THIS POEM OF HIS!!!!!!! anyway ..... here it is..... I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills, When all at once I saw a crowd, A host, of golden daffodils; wat do u guys say? PLZZZZzz tell me anythign SOON!!!!!!
