Here's my shot at the very cliche title... There's a man on my street With a family he can't feed A square meal a day to eat And he'd be thankful indeed His home is by the road A straw hut his abode Blankets he can't afford To keep him from the cold -- [Chorus] -- If we are in pieces -- We can't wait for things to fall in place -- We're going through paces -- Running a meaningless rat-race -- The world is in shambles -- People living in war and hate -- If we weren't so cold, step up and be bold -- We would see changes There's a girl down the lane Whose memories are stained Raised by Father Pain Her innocence was slain She is treated a fool She never went to school Society can be cruel She plays the blunted tool There's an old man at the store Once loving father of four Those children he adored Don't find him useful anymore Lives off what he's paid His body starts to fade Wishing for last days With no one at his aid -- [Bridge] -- If we wanted to heal the hurt -- We could do so much with our might -- If we wanted to change the world -- We could start with you and I
i think that the idea behind it is pretty amazing..but there are a lot of lines that seem forced.. but at the end..a good piece altogether..
@horsesmouth: No tune yet, but will work on it... Coming up with the tune is a lot tougher that putting the lines together. Kind of got a tune to my earlier one titled "The First Rain". Hoping to record it when I meet my old band's vocalist. Will post here if that happens. @nandy: I'm not sure if I have said it before but the thing about your writing is that it has a lot of content and it presents a whole story to the reader. That makes it a great and memorable read. This would be more of classic poetry. The stuff I'm trying to write is more of lyrics and for that, I guess you can just give an idea or allusions that describe an idea. The listener is not given a whole story. Also, here more emphasis would be on repeating rhythm patterns of the syllables in a line rather than 1 entire idea in a line or so.
Lyrically, this was quite cliched but that doesn't have to be a bad thing....it should work quite well for a song. Just don't hold your breath when they announce the award for best lyrics or something. It reads like something Bon Jovi would do I think....the way you work up images of a "tommy" and a "gina" in some ways.
Thank you for your view. I know my writing is pretty infantile but I hope to improve with time. I take the comparison to Bon Jovi as a compliment. At least their writing was way better current day one-liner hit singles.
well, I didn't mean the Bon Jovi comparison as a put down (or a compliment)...it just read that way. and I didn't think it was infantile....songs dont have to have earth shaking lyrics. They should be easy to connect to....One of my favourite songs by the beatles goes "Obla Di Obla Da life goes on BRAH".
I think one of the things great lyrics do is create images in our heads....and I think I am the Walrus does that despite being largely nonsensical (you know the story behind it right?). At least it did in mine. So did Obladi Oblada. and so do Bon Jovi songs. I don't know where I'm going with this.
Haha, thanks for the insight... Just read up the origin and meaning of that song. I had thought the song was just a result of writing in Lucy's company
haha, it might have to do with Across the Universe where the song is used quite brilliantly (I recommend you watch it at least once if you haven't...it changed my perspective of a couple of their songs and made me like them more)! and of course, Bono lending his voice to it helps...it suddenly becomes so much more powerful.
