Discussion in 'Poetry and Lyrics Forum' started by wylder, Mar 5, 2012.

  1. wylder

    wylder New Member

    Here's my shot at the very cliche title...

    There's a man on my street
    With a family he can't feed
    A square meal a day to eat
    And he'd be thankful indeed
    His home is by the road
    A straw hut his abode
    Blankets he can't afford
    To keep him from the cold

    -- [Chorus]
    -- If we are in pieces
    -- We can't wait for things to fall in place
    -- We're going through paces
    -- Running a meaningless rat-race
    -- The world is in shambles
    -- People living in war and hate
    -- If we weren't so cold, step up and be bold
    -- We would see changes

    There's a girl down the lane
    Whose memories are stained
    Raised by Father Pain
    Her innocence was slain
    She is treated a fool
    She never went to school
    Society can be cruel
    She plays the blunted tool

    There's an old man at the store
    Once loving father of four
    Those children he adored
    Don't find him useful anymore
    Lives off what he's paid
    His body starts to fade
    Wishing for last days
    With no one at his aid

    -- [Bridge]
    -- If we wanted to heal the hurt
    -- We could do so much with our might
    -- If we wanted to change the world
    -- We could start with you and I
  2. nandy0894

    nandy0894 New Member

    i think that the idea behind it is pretty amazing..but there are a lot of lines that seem forced..
    but at the end..a good piece altogether.. :)
  3. horsesmouth

    horsesmouth Active Member

    Probably its simplicity is its plus point... It'd sound good in a you have a tune for it?
  4. wylder

    wylder New Member

    @horsesmouth: No tune yet, but will work on it... Coming up with the tune is a lot tougher that putting the lines together. Kind of got a tune to my earlier one titled "The First Rain". Hoping to record it when I meet my old band's vocalist. Will post here if that happens.

    @nandy: I'm not sure if I have said it before but the thing about your writing is that it has a lot of content and it presents a whole story to the reader. That makes it a great and memorable read. This would be more of classic poetry.
    The stuff I'm trying to write is more of lyrics and for that, I guess you can just give an idea or allusions that describe an idea. The listener is not given a whole story.
    Also, here more emphasis would be on repeating rhythm patterns of the syllables in a line rather than 1 entire idea in a line or so.
  5. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    Lyrically, this was quite cliched but that doesn't have to be a bad should work quite well for a song. Just don't hold your breath when they announce the award for best lyrics or something. It reads like something Bon Jovi would do I think....the way you work up images of a "tommy" and a "gina" in some ways.
  6. wylder

    wylder New Member

    Thank you for your view. I know my writing is pretty infantile but I hope to improve with time.

    I take the comparison to Bon Jovi as a compliment. At least their writing was way better current day one-liner hit singles.
  7. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    well, I didn't mean the Bon Jovi comparison as a put down (or a compliment) just read that way. and I didn't think it was infantile....songs dont have to have earth shaking lyrics. They should be easy to connect to....One of my favourite songs by the beatles goes "Obla Di Obla Da life goes on BRAH".
  8. wylder

    wylder New Member

    That one is not all that bad... I think "I am the Walrus" is a true work of art in comparison...
  9. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    I think one of the things great lyrics do is create images in our heads....and I think I am the Walrus does that despite being largely nonsensical (you know the story behind it right?). At least it did in mine. So did Obladi Oblada. and so do Bon Jovi songs. I don't know where I'm going with this.
  10. wylder

    wylder New Member

    Haha, thanks for the insight...

    Just read up the origin and meaning of that song. I had thought the song was just a result of writing in Lucy's company :D
  11. bjr

    bjr Lady of the Evening

    haha, it might have to do with Across the Universe where the song is used quite brilliantly (I recommend you watch it at least once if you haven' changed my perspective of a couple of their songs and made me like them more)! and of course, Bono lending his voice to it suddenly becomes so much more powerful.

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