Ye bae mausam barsaat hai kaesi.. Lagta hai khuda bhi aaj ro raha hai.. Taklif de kar kyu aaj mere sang ho raha hai.. Meri ankhoon se behtae ansu ae khuda tere hi diyae huae hain.. Too fir kyu aaj tu mil ke mere saath mera saathi ho raha hai.. Ye kismat bhi tunae likhi aur ye baehtae ashk teri hi daen hain.. Kya samjhu ye barsaat kar tu mera hamdard ho raha hai.. Ye teri barsaat too charoon oor khushi layegi.. Paed dhulaenge aur fasal gayegi.. Par mere ansu too meri baebasi yaad dilatae hain.. Jab bhi aatae hain dukh hi yaad dilatae hain.. Lekin mujhe aaj bhi tujhpe bharosa hai.. Kabhi na kabhi tu mujhe muskuranae ka mauka zarur dega.. Chal aaj hum saath mil kar rotae hain.. Ek dusrae ke saathi, humdard ho jatae hain.. Aaj main tere in ashkon ki barish mein bheeg jati hu.. Issiko aapni zindagi maan ke jee jati hu.. ------------------------------------------------------- An attempt to write something different.. I hope it's liked as my earlier pieces..
itni bhi buri nahi ki ek bhi comment na mila ...kabhi kabhi mujhe lagta hai my worst works need more comments aise hai to pata chalega kyaa galat tha...jo accha hai vo to accha hai gande bacchon ko sudharna chahiye........ as far as ur poem is concerned first 7 lines r unnecessays do linoon main ye sab kaha ja sakta tha ....again 4 khaas dam nahi hai ...thoda aur soochna tha...now ur lost and u wrote just any thing u got in ur head..and again repeated the same reps added for this sluggish but orignal work...
Hi Seher, composition is gud..offcourse cd have been better. i belive the lines have to restructured so that they flow and connect to next line smoothly.imagery seems good too. in case u need some more openion..i guess u know who u need to contact. cheers mate.
unlike Madhuresh i liked the first para...& it seems that u lost the direction uske baad... i liked the last two lines too... but yeah...ur previous ones are anyday better than this one..but as far as u r trying somethng new n original...its always good...u improve onli when u do some mistks... so....keep doin mistakes :
Hey, u did try to put a great piece...but the the thuoght got lost.To add to it...the verses do not go hand in hand inn thought after first 6 lines.... I am sure you will agree when you write any thing in poetry,then the verses should have a godd "tukbandi as well"....... But I can imagine your thought behind it......I am sorry ..cannot rep you...!!!!
